Tag Archives: deflategate

The NFL’s timeline on Tom Brady’s deflated balls

11AM Tom Brady, after a mornings vigorous workout, arrives at his ‘special room’.

11:01AM With childlike glee Tom enters his room and immediately begins playing with his balls.

12:12PM Tom, almost ecstatic in his exhaustion, completes the ‘Rogering’* of his balls.
* The NFL, after diligent investigation, discovered that Tom calls what he does to his balls ‘Rogering’ because of a gentle, older man who taught him the way around his balls, Roger Staubach.

12:13PM With his hands firmly upon his balls and his head on his playbook, Tom falls asleep.

1:03PM Bill Belechick gently raps upon the door of Tom’s special room hoping his doesn’t startle Tom in fear that he may rupture his balls.

1:03:30 Tom wakes knowing only his friend and life coach Bill would knock on the door of his special room. Tom asks Bill if he’d like to see his balls. The both give out hearty laughs because they know Bill doesn’t want to know anything about Tom’s balls.

1:04PM Tom asks Bill what he wants knowing it must be important for Bill to interrupt him during his ball fondling session.

1:04:10PM No, Tom responds, he did not borrow Bill’s Bon Jovi CD. Satisfied Tom, as always, is telling the truth, Bill goes back to his pre-game business and to let Tom bring his balls to completion.

4:00PM Tom’s official ball handler arrives at the door and asks if Tom is done with his ‘hand jive’. They both laugh at this inside joke as Tom adjusts his balls in his ball sack.

4:01PM Tom opens the door and places his ball sack in the hands of his official ball handler. Tom’s official ball handler carefully massages Tom ball sack as he turn to deliver Tom’s ball sack to the NFL sanctioned game ball storage location.

4:03PM Tom gently closes the door to his special room as he puts custom made ear plugs into his ears to block out all sound until game time. Tom learned of these nearly invisible sound stopping ear plugs during a rather long Fashion Week with is wife Giselle.

4:06PM Tom is walking down the hallway looking at his playbook when he passes a Ref for today’s game. The Ref attempts to get Tom’s attention to thank him for the 496 8×10 autographed photos Tom gave to him for the sick orphans the Ref teaches origami to during his off time.

4:06:15PM Tom passes the Ref without hearing or seeing him.

4:06:16PM The Ref becomes enraged. He figures if Tom’s too good to talk to him Mr. Football might just have to be taught a lesson.

4:06:20PM As Tom turns a corner the Ref pulls from his pocket a ball inflation needle. The problem is this time the needle will not be used for inflation.

4:06:25PM The Ref starts running to catch up to Tom’s official ball handler. He does just feet from the NFL sanctioned game ball storage location. Being a dutiful employee of an NFL franchise Tom’s official ball handler gladly hands Tom’s ball sack over to the Ref.

4:07PM Once Tom’s official ball handler is out of sight the Ref begins reaching into Tom’s ball sack. With precision he begins sticking the needle into Tom’s balls which causes them to deflate way below their normal size and potency.

4:09PM The Ref arrives at the NFL sanctioned game ball storage location and knocks on the door. He’s attempting to deflate the last of Tom’s balls during this time. This ball is snugly nestled in Tom’s ball sack and is difficult to manipulate. Just as the Ref reaches Tom’s ball the door to the NFL sanctioned game ball storage location swings open. The Ref swiftly takes his hand off Tom’s balls and places Tom’s ball sack into the hands of the NFL sanctioned game ball handler. The Ref smiles and turns away. Slipping the ball, now, deflation needle into his pocket.

6:30PM Kick off. The Ref is gleeful about what he did to Tom Brady’s balls.