Bound & Gags

Bound & Gags is a comedy group. Failing that, we’re just a bunch of annoying, loud people.

43 responses to “Bound & Gags

  1. We’re not really loud, but we are pretty annoying

  2. That’s true, only some of us are loud but all of us are annoying!

  3. And we’re rude, too; don’t forget rude.

    Although, I think we only are considered annoying by the humorless tight-asses that we piss off. I mean, I don’t think of myself as annoying, and certainly not you, and the many new friends I’ve met through you; I don’t think any of “us” considers the others annoying.

    Now some people who ARE annoying are my mother (please, I’m free, white and over 21, just leave me alone old woman and here’s another bottle of wine), cigarette smokers who think I enjoy their second-hand smoke (if I wanted lung cancer, I’d smoke for myself, thank you very much you inconsiderate boob), white boys with dread-locks who think that Rastafaria is a fashion trend or a musical style (its neither, chuckle-head, and by the way you are white, not black), people with more than 10 items in the express check-out lane (OMG! you are the cretin who sat next to me in Algebra I and you still can’t count!), the drunk guy at the bar who thinks I’m going home with him for the night (no baby, not tonight, or any night for that matter, because I will never be that drunk myself), kids with loud rap music emanating from their cars in the winter with all the windows rolled up ( I can still hear you, I said turn that shit down before I have a seizure and really hold up traffic you rotten little SOB), etc. etc.

  4. When mentioning HTA make sure you plug ’em: because they get upset if you don’t.

    I agree that we B&Gers are often said to appear rude but I like to think it’s because we hold a higher standard. I also like to think Steven Segal will win an Oscar so, as we can see, I’m often just plain off the mark.

  5. Steven Segal runs like a girl, and can’t act his way out of a paper bag. Don’t hold your breath on that one.

  6. This is a great blog. Too many funny things to comment on. Thanks from all of us who need a laugh in our day.

  7. This blog is NOT funny and anyone conneted with it are idiots and mean! How can you think making fun of people the way you do is funny? This is nothing but a mean spirited bunch of rambling. You should be ashamed of yourself for thinking your funny. I’m going to complain to this web site about your content. You need help! I pray to God it’s not too late. You need therapy and you need it fast!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All you do is hurt peoples feelings. I hope that makes you feel good about youtrself.

  8. Hi Jessica!
    I thought I’d take time from my busy day as a hate stylist to respond to you personally! I bet that fills you with joy! But, fear not fair maiden, I’m not here to attack, just address your concerns.

    > This blog is NOT funny and anyone conneted with it are idiots and mean!
    I must take umbrage. Not about our funny ratio (comedy is subjective so your opinion is just as meaningful as any other dog-faced troglodyte) but that ‘anyone’ connected are ‘idiots and mean’. Did you even read us? It says right on top that we’re annoying and loud. Idiots and mean? I think you’ve confused us with another group that hates us:

    Maybe you’ve heard of them?

    > How can you think making fun of people the way you do is funny?
    Funny? What are you talking about funny? You find how I deal with people funny? Madam! Please! I do no such thing! I’m merely leading them to a path of enlightenment via a strict adherence of avoiding me.

    > You should be ashamed of yourself for thinking your funny.
    Jessica! Jessica! Jessica! Thinking I’m funny is not in the top sixteen things I’m ashamed of today. But it is ahead of bashing in that drifters head with a curling stone. But just barely.

    > I’m going to complain to this web site about your content.
    Oh NO! Not someone else calling the internet police! Don’t bother. I’m on their speed dial.

    > You need help! I pray to God it’s not too late.
    It’s not! I just got my period so I guess I won’t be giving birth to a bouncing, baby bile this month!

    > You need therapy and you need it fast!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    “Welcome to McTherapy, how can I help you?”
    “I’d like a cure for allodoxaphobia with a session of abandonment issues.”
    “Would you like a side of passive aggressive treatment with that?”

    Wow! Jessica! You were right!

    > All you do is hurt peoples feelings.
    Feelings are often delusional.

    > I hope that makes you feel good about youtrself.
    No, making fun of people doesn’t make me feel good about myself. It makes me feel superior. Laughing at strippers when they cry during lap dances makes me feel good about myself.

  9. Holy shit! McTherapy!

  10. I just LOVE the labels!

    Humorless Tight-ass

    Delusional Twit

    Mealy-Mouthed Moronic Whistle-Blowing Ego-Flagellating Goody-Two-Shoes, why don’t you take your “holier than thou” attitude and stick it where the sun don’t shine. And next time you post, before you click your self-righteous little finger on the “submit” block, why don’t you proof read your material for spelling, punctuation and syntax errors.

  11. I thought syntax was deducted from my paycheck each week by the federal government!

  12. Now do you see, Jessica, why I didn’t attack you? I knew someone would defend the honor of B&G!

  13. Broke Back Don

    I’m laid up with a broken back so have alot of time on my hands so friends are always sending me web sites to check out. I’m glad one of them gave me this one. I spent the last two days reading everything and laughing all day long. Your a riot. Thanks for making the time pass. I almost hurt myself when I saw the separated at birth and that wasn’t even the best. I was bummed when I got to the end so I ordered your books but was wondering about the scripts. Could you tell me abut them? What should I read? I need something to do before the books get here. Or you write something else. You really made my weeked.

    Don Sweeney

  14. To Jessica ~ You poor sweet confused soul. I would like to share a bit of wisdom that I picked up (maybe from this blog… can’t remember)

    Sarcasm is God’s gift for dealing with clueless people.

  15. Don:
    See? Good things come from anything. You just have to find the time to waste! Did you actually spend two days around here? I’m sorry. Did the keyboard slip to the floor so you couldn’t go anywhere else? Either way, thanks for buying the books (you’ve sent my sales figures SOARING for the year!). As you know, because I feel bad for you (nothing to do with the back but spending the weekend here), I sent you pdfs so you don’t have to wait.

    Hmm, a serious question. I don’t know how to handle that. If I can’t make fun of you you’re not holding up your end of the relationship. But, I’ll ignore that and try to answer you.

    You seem to like comedy (so why you’re here, I’ll never know) so I guess you could give ‘The Big Break’ a shot. It’s about the first time I went to LA to pitch shit. ‘Bug Boy’ is a ‘B’ movie I wrote for a friend. People have responded well to that. ‘Shit! The Movie’ is an unfinished parody of better movies. ‘Cause My Family Has Money’ is a short mockumentary I recently wrote that’s supposed to be funny. Everything else there is either about murder or things of that ilk.

    I hope this answers whatever question it is you had. Now I’ve got to go get coffee. I’m not used to real questions. Throwing off my morning.

  16. Broke Back Don

    Thanks! For the suggestions and books! I started reading bug boy (youre sick!) so I guess I’ve got some catching up to do. Thanks for everything. I appreciate it.

    Don Sweeney

  17. Broke Back Don

    Chris! Man you are too funny. Thanks for having such a life and the talent to write it down. You were right, I really enjoyed Bug Boy. Both of them. I thought the second one was darker but still funy.

    Thanks for making the time pass. My backs getting better and I’ll be mobile but I’ll be back to get my dose of laughs.

  18. You suck!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you’re not funny. This is not amusing. I don’t know why youre bothering to write this shit. I did not find one thing funny and there was alot of not funny to pick from! Just because you can type doesn’t mean you can write. Give it a rest you hateful fuck.

  19. hahaha! I want to borrow that little rant to use on random blogs. PRICELESS!

    quick question: Is a hateful fuck considered to be rape or just sex with the ex?

  20. @ You Suck– Hey man, like where is all this hate coming from? Are you like totally stressed out? Dude, you need to take it easy and like go with the flow, man, like just one day at a time and easy does it.

    Or else you will be summarily labeled a Humorless Tightass and dismissed as inconsequential and unworthy. We have better things to do than pander to someone as hyper-critical and egocentric as yourself.

    And we also know that you checked back for responses to your little rant, so either get over yourself and join the fun or go away. And don’t go away mad, just go away, because your anger will only raise your blood pressure and eventually shorten your life.

  21. Awww Jessica, it’s so nice to hear from you again!

  22. Great site! Very enjoyable. I don’t care what others have said, you’re very funny! I could comment on everything but it already looks like The Mark Show over there.

    I’ll be back!

  23. Thanks for the comments and kind words, Mark. Because you left so many good comments I’ll cover the best ones here:

    From Directions (I’ve got to combine you and TB on this one):
    Taoist Biker: “A GUY not only asked directions, but came back to show you his HAIRCUT?

    He was totally hitting on you.”

    Mark: “TOTALLY!!!!!!!!!”
    Normally I’d agree (now that you pointed it out) but, what self-respecting gay man would ask where a low-end chain shop was?

    From We’re at. . .:
    “Did you really say that? I’ve read a bunch of stuff today and if you really say this stuff you’re really funny. Even I’d hang out with you.”
    Yes. Thank you. Gee, that would be thrilling!

    From 100 Sure-Fire Ways To Beat Stress:
    “I printed these out and hung them of my cube wall!”
    What? To cheap to buy a poster? Seriously, thanks. I’m glad people liked it.

  24. This site is a cult of assholes. Any dissenting opinion is torn apart and mocked. This site is the worst example of free speech. I am distressed at the meanness that is disguised as barely humor.

  25. A cult? Do we at least get some cool hats or underwear or something before we commit mass suicide?

  26. Nike’s and purple shrouds for everyone!

    I don’t think I’d be a good cult leader. I don’t think I’m creepy enough and I’m not a big fan of communal living or kool-aid.

    Isn’t it funny when someone bitches about me and/or this site they always grab onto my being mean or hateful? That would hurt my feelings if I had any.

  27. Cult of assholes. Is that like a flock of sheep, a herd of bison, a flutter of butterflies–you know when a whole group of the same species dwells and interacts together?

  28. soup, clothed in Nikes and a purple shroud

    I have the cyanide Kool-Aid, and right after we pass out all the flowers at the airport, we can all have a nice drink.

  29. “Nike’s and purple shrouds for everyone!”

    There you go with your gay sweatshop agenda again.

  30. Can I join your cult of assholes? I wandered over here from TB’s blog, and I find it pretty funny. The sarcasm, man, gives me a run for my money.

  31. Consider yourself shrouded, Becca. You know what they say, the more the scarier.

  32. Comedy is subjective so I’m glad I subjected myself to this.

    Shroud me, please.

  33. I fucking love you! You are the funniest fucker on the internet! I love this fucking site!

  34. Ummmm, fucking thank you, Anthony? But can I offer a little advice? Back away from the site for a few minutes. Don’t worry, you can come back after the effects wear off. It’s a normal occurrence after people read or spend much time with me. They tend to swear more than usual.

    But, fear not, your potty mouth will decrease and you’ll be back speaking like a normal member of polite society in no time.

    Unless you truly are a gutter snipe and vile human in severe need of a jobation! Come on, Anthony! There are ladies here! Sheesh! We have standards!

  35. Yeah, sure we have standards, but they are very very low standards, so just fuckin’ sit back, fuckin’ relax, and enjoy the fuck out of all this!

  36. Hey!! The fuckin’ ladies don’t give shit! Our fuckin’ standards are so fuckin’ low you can fuckin’ say whatever the fuck you fuckin’ want!

  37. This is one fucked up site! I laughed alot here. Keep up the good work.

  38. This site suxs. Nothing here is funny.

  39. @Stupid–You only think this site is not funny because you ARE stupid!

  40. Hey there Chris…remember me? The New Zealand one?
    Somehow I lost touch with you. Would love to be back in contact. Hope things are well with you and yours.

  41. I like this site. Very funny.

  42. Love the site. Jessica, wind your bloody neck in.

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