Monthly Archives: June 2017

Buy And Sell You

That’s an interesting concept. Let’s forget about the whole ‘ain’t that slavery?’ part of the equation because that would just make this exercise ugly. Let’s concentrate on the what brought us to someone saying to someone else,

“I could buy and sell you.”

It’s never a good situation. It’s never a situation when you’ve run out into the street to save their tottering grandchild who escaped during a moment of distraction from their mother. You never hear,

“I will buy you out of your current work-a-day life and sell you to the highest bidder so as you will live in a heretofore unimagned life of luxury. And, if I find not a suitable purchaser, I will retain you for my own even if I have to sell my own children and rent out my grandchildren to a lesser god to make sure your all dreams and wishes are fulfilled.”

It’s always some pumped up braggart who isn’t getting the attention he (and come to think of it, I’ve never heard a woman say it) feels he deserves. It happened to me recently. I was out with some people and it was a night of warm conversation and other boring platitudes. Don’t get me wrong, it was nice. But who wants to hear people talk about their jobs? And that’s what they’re going to talk about. Most people hate their jobs so what kind of story is going to come out of that?

“And then Brenda said, ‘Capital idea, Mr. Smythengen. Only a great, wise and noble gentleman, such as yourself, could have conceived of such a brilliant plan.’ What an ass kisser she is. And she’s not in the department that now has double the workload. I hate my job. And Brenda.”

After sixty or seventy seconds of that I’m ready to kill the messenger.

I never get into work discussions (unless the story is hilarious). I always say, “Good. Nothing new.” I even said that on the day I had to physically restrain a drug-induced psychotic woman so she’d stop bothering another customer. And I said customer not patient because I don’t work in a ‘go restrain this person’ field. Generally.

After everyone has barfed up their hating work stories someone asked me to tell a specific story. It was a story I’ve told many times including here. It’s a funny story and I don’t mind telling it but I hate to be called upon to unexpectedly perform. It’s not part of the flow of the conversation. Add to that the ‘tell us a story, Chris’ part of it is off-putting. I mean, yeah, I know I can tell this story in a funny manner but, it’s not a story for everyone.

Necrophilia and coming out of a men’s room with a strange woman isn’t a story for everyone.

But, I tell it. Mainly because I didn’t want to hear one more Brenda story. I get laughs where I should and dismay in the correct places. After I finish people are reacting then one person said,

“Ah, you think you’re all that.” I just told a necrophiliac/men’s room with a strange woman story. I obviously don’t think I’m above much. “I could buy and sell you.”

“How much?”

“What?” I can already feel his buyers remorse.

“How much? What’s the going price? I mean, I could give up my current life if someone was willing to put up some cake. What’s the going price for a stud like myself?”

“What are you talking about?”

“You just said you could buy and sell me. To do that, first, you’d have to buy me. So I’m just wondering what that price would be?”

“Are you nuts? It’s just an expression.”

“No,” I redirect him. “It’s not. It’s a statement that monetizes my worth in regards to your perceived worth. Which, as stated, you are worth so much more than I you are willing to pay to make me your property. So, what am I worth to you? I know my girlfriend would like to walk out of here with cash sans me. So what’s the opening bid?”

“You’re insane.”

“Me? You’re the one willing to illegally, in a public place, purchase another human being.”

By now the guy is flustered so I know I have mere seconds to get this to a close.

“I’ll tell you what, I’ll set the price.” I stop and think for a second. I can see his flee instinct pushing him. “Seven hundred eighty-six thousand four hundred twenty-seven dollars and thirty-nine cents.”

Everyone is quiet. I smile and look around. “Okay, anyone want to top that bid?” No one says a word. I know some of them want to say something but they’re going to stall their eagerness to jump in to see how this ends.

“Huh.” I say to my new owner as I slide closer to him. “The buying part is easy. But the selling, well, the selling is a bitch for such a rare commodity as I.”

I look him in the face. He pissed. I’m happy. Funny how often those two things intersect in my life. “Guess I’m yours now.” I lean closer. “And you’re fucked because I drink a shitload of Heineken.”

I heard Bill. . .

. . .Cosby is doing town halls on how not to get accused of sexual harassment. I was fortunate to get a peek at his script for these shows, ah, meetings.

“Hey, hey, hey! It’s your acquitted old friend Bill Cosby. Over the decades I’ve given people the wisdom of my knowledge. Unselfishly, I might add. Things like, pull your damn pants up and always have Fat Albert on your Buck Buck team.

But today I’m going to talk to you about how to avoid being accused of sexual harassment.

Number one, don’t roofie anyone.

Number two, well, there is no number two.

Hey, hey, hey!”

A woman was. . .

. . .telling me she couldn’t pay me because she was just, “Fired from my job at the sperm bank.”

And my first response was, “How do you get fired from a sperm bank? Where you out back sampling the product?”

How Do You Have Time?

I’m serious. Every time I hear someone say something like,

“I just binge watched the entire 187 hours of Breaking Mad Men Of A Certain Age.”

I think, “How do you have the time?”

When someone asks if I’ve watched Stan vs. Evil I’m embarrassed to mention I don’t even know what platform it’s on. And I’m embarrassed to have to mention that it’s on a platform. Can I get it on cable and on line and on demand or just on line and CB radio? Can I plop down on my couch and find it with a remote? No? I have to search my TV listings until I find that’s it’s not there and then go on line and find that I don’t have a subscription to that service.

Back to my original question, how do you have the time?

I just spent thirty-six minutes finding out I can’t get Mississippi and another ten to see I’m so far behind on Angie Trifecta it would take me a month to catch up. Which means I wouldn’t have time to watch the very few shows I have in my queue which means I’d get behind and the DVR would fill up because my girlfriend has more than half the DVR perma-filled with every Harry Potter, everything ever broadcast about the West Memphis Three, the HBO Liberace biopic, some concerts and a bunch of documentaries I’ve watched she told me not to delete but the truth is she’ll never watch.

Let’s add it all up, I have two days off a week which means I have two days to pile in all the chores and adventures a person needs to accomplish to sustain a life. I barely watch TV and rarely go on line those days because I can’t find the time. Then I work a minimum of nine hours a day so tack on an hour before and after in pre and post work activities. Then I try to sleep 6-8 hours a day. So, on a good day, I’m occupied 17-19 hours a day. That leaves 5-7 hours of ‘free’ time.

If there’s an urgent after work chore or plans to meet with people that eats an hour or more. And there’s alays a chore or a meeting. So now I’m down to 4-6. Still plenty of time to chew off a chunk of the first season of Orange Is The New Blackish. But wait, I have to shave. And this one is totally on me.

I have to shave face and head. It doesn’t have to but I make it take an hour. I like to grab a couple of beers, go the basement, fire up the lathe to frighten the neighborhood children and then settle down to shave. I guess during that time I could watch an episode of Fargo but I also have podcasts to listen to. I just finished S-Town but that cut into the ones I try to collect for future listening over the week. Right now I have 63 podcasts waiting on my MP3 player. And what if I would rather catch up on some music during shave time? I did that for a couple of days and my podcast collection went over 70 in a snap.

So now I’m down to 3-5 hours a day of potential show watching time. 21-35 hours a week. That’s not bad, that could burn some viewing hours. But then you forget I have a girlfriend who also has her viewing habits. We have one living room so one TV so that renders going to another room to do my own thing moot.

She has to catch up on her shows. I understand that. Hell, I’d like to do that. She’s busy too so she gets backed up. One of her DVR’d shows is a daily show so that can get behind rapidly. Hell, if we throw on a movie that’s the entire night. So let’s say, on an average night, we watch 2 hours of her programming choice. That gives me 1-3 hours of my programming a night.

Did I mention I’m a sports fan and two of the local teams got to the playoffs this year? Baseball is in full swing and tennis is heating up. Even if I check in quickly that can burn half an hour of my day. So I have to make a choice, do I pound through an episode or three of what I have accumulated on the overcrowded DVR or do I start watching a brand new show that I would love from what everyone has told me?

Fuck it.

By that time I’ve been up 14-16 hours, am beat and just want to crack open another beer, let the ballgame gently wash over me and hope there’s a power surge that wipes out the entire DVR so we can start all this madness all over again.

So, tell me again, how do you have the time?

It was recently. . .

. . .reported that a data error caused a plane to land at the wrong airport in North Dakota.

That’s shocking.

Who knew there was more than one airport in North Dakota.

This weeks top ten list

Top 10 Real Words Donald Trump Thinks Are Made Up

10 Spelunking
9 Varlet
8 Recrement
7 Nosopoetic
6 Jejune
5 Paralogism
4 Spurious
3 Coxcomb
2 Kakistocracy
1 Decency

Because I don’t anyone will look up the words the meanings are:

10 Spelunking – the hobby or practice of exploring caves
9 Varlet – a base unprincipled person
8 Recrement – superfluous matter separated from that which is useful
7 Nosopoetic – producing diseases
6 Jejune – devoid of significance
5 Paralogism – a fallacious argument
4 Spurious – a deceitful nature or quality
3 Coxcomb – a conceited foolish person
2 Kakistocracy – government by the worst people
1 Decency – okay, this was just sarcasm