Police Log

Whenever I’m at a place and there’s a local newspaper around I get a little excited. No, I’m not interested in Ms. Bessie’s blue ribbon fudge victory. I go right for the police log. It tells you more about the city than anything else. I found one at a friends house and was not disappointed.

Right off the bat, “Police were called to help the animal control officer. . .” Oh boy! This could be good. Maybe its a wolverine. Hell, maybe its Wolverine. Even if its something mundane like a coyote or a fox that could drive your imagination so I read on, “. . .free a rabbit from a household sink.”

Umm, my imagination isn’t that good but I sure as hell have a heap of questions. But while that’s going on, in another part of town,

“An officer went to the pool and asked an ice cream vendor to move along.”

Oh, I can see a battle brewing. A licensed retailer, a gaggle of ice cream wanting kids, I envision mayhem.

“He did.”

And I bet the kid of someone connected in the city pulled right in. To quote the oft quoted quote form Empire Records, “Damn the man!”

Traveling down the page I didn’t have far to go before finding out that, “A woman said a man was flashing lights into her apartment. An officer determined the report unfounded.”

Not without suggesting she see an eye doctor or neurologist if this persists, I hope. I’m not a doctor but seeing flashing lights that aren’t there could be a problem.

In a scary call for all, “A man called police to report that his wallet had been stolen.” Who hasn’t had a wallet or a purse or a random shoe stolen? But the story continues. “Ten minutes later he called back to say he found it.”

Isn’t it nice that the robber had a change of heart laced with a dollop of guilt and brought it back? But that also means the robber can still be in the house! I’d have the cops come by and check. After all, he knows their number.

There is so much to find out about a place by reading the police log. In fact, I learned some people around here are very relaxed. To whit, “A hit and run in February was reported.” We’re in August. It’s a current paper. Maybe it took so long because they wanted to make sure all the snow was melted.

Then again, another group seems to be just a bit uptight.

“Someone told officers that youths were smoking. They found no suspicious activity.”

“Police responded to a person down in a parking lot. Police could find no one.”

“Youths were seen running.”

Oh, oh. I know people who engage in that activity for fun (silly people). I’d better call them and tell them to cool it for awhile. The fuzz is on the prowl.

“A large group of people were making a lot of noise.” I wish I knew that was illegal when I lived across the street from a busy and noisy baseball field.

“A car load of youths were smashing items. When police arrived neither the youths or smashed items could be located.”

That last group of reports all have a common thread, I trust you noticed. Someone got their dander up and called police over nothing. Its like a Seinfeld episode on a city wide level. Which really seems to happen in this city quite often because anything can be a crime.

“He said someone broke into his car. But nothing was taken and there was no damage.”

What we’ve learned from this is next time you have a delusion a crime has been committed take a deep breath and don’t do anything.

In a female version of an earlier story,

“A woman said her purse was stolen. It was later found.”

Probably exactly where she left it.

I wonder if this next item was perpetrated by the remorseful ex-criminal from earlier?

“A wallet was found and returned to police.”

“A man reported being the victim of identity theft.”

This case remains unsolved because when police arrived they couldn’t be sure who the victim was.

In one that would definitely have had a different outcome in a different community,

“A man was passed out in his car at a gas station. When he woke the police told him to move on.”

Really? That happened? But I can understand. The line must have been getting long. I guess that’s the law enforcement you get when the city’s motto is “Commerce Before Safety.”

But my favorite entry was, “A explosion was reported.”

Now there’s one you’d think was going to be covered on the front page. But I knew better. Due to the fact there was no further information I knew what happened.

A squirrel made a complete circuit on a transformer and became a crispy critter.

I’d like to go over more fact filled items from the police blotter with you but I gotta run. I hear running youths smoking and making a lot of noise smashing items. I think I should call it in.


3 responses to “Police Log

  1. i love this line: “What we’ve learned from this is next time you have a delusion a crime has been committed take a deep breath and don’t do anything.”

  2. Notre Dame & Bound and Gags Fan

    Not one bootlegger in the bunch! Meh!

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