On the off chance that you personally still put money in a jukebox I have something to say to you,
You are personally destroying any shred of peace I was trying to enjoy and jamming an ice pick into my day. I know it’s a constitutional right to use the jukebox but do you have to be so fucking bad about it?
I didn’t think there were so many horrible fucking songs that have been written, recorded, pressed, marketed and sold (okay, I do. Years ago I wrote a thing about a radio station called WDIE about songs that should be banned). How can that be that in the history of recorded music someone, using their own free will and cash, would play ‘Watching Scotty Grow’?
Then there are the people who play the same songs, in the same order, every time they saunter up to the jukebox. Wouldn’t you, just once, not want to hear ‘Hooked On A Feeling’ followed by ‘Patches’ followed by ‘In The Ghetto’ with the encore of ‘Mr. Roboto’ every fucking day of your repetitive life?
But, you know, I could even accept that. They have to accept that I have put a personal bounty on their heads so I guess I shouldn’t complain about their horrendous taste in music.
What I have trouble accepting is some of the things I am forced to hear. I was sitting there enjoying a hockey game with the soundtrack of someone’s golden age (if ‘Knock Three Times On The Ceiling’ could be included as a highlight of someone’s life) but then I heard it. Now I’ve heard plenty of really terrible lyrics before. We all have. We’ve all been sitting there gently ignoring the tunes surrounding us until something scratches at our ear hole and we say,
“Did that lyric say, ‘New Kids On The Block had a bunch of hits/Chinese food makes me sick’?”
Yes, motherfucker, yes they said that. Someone wrote that down, got other people to agree it was a good lyric, committed it to memory, sang it, got people to put money behind it and then go out into the world, in front of people, and say that dumb ass shit every night.
That’s a subhuman specimen right there and I think we can all agree on that.
Then one day I decided to make it my life’s goal to eradicate jukeboxes from the face of the earth. They cause too much pain for innocent bystanders. And it all coalesced when this lyric assaulted me:
‘Cause the free wind is blowin’ through your hair
And the days surround your daylight there
Seasons cryin’ no despair
Alligator lizards in the air
Alligators AND lizards in the air? That’s the most frightening shit I’ve ever heard. I’m sure Godzilla would be freaking out if he ran into alligators AND lizards crashing into him. I sure as hell would care if the free wind is blowin’ through my hair if it was bringing alligators AND lizards with it.
Now I’m not easily frightened and have written my own share of scary lyrics (remember ‘Axe Murdering Drag Queen’?) and other things (‘Bug Boy’ come to mind?) but for those people to put you into a false sense of a beautiful summer day (free winds in your hair, a little bit of daylight on your face) only to have the seasons cry and fill the air with alligators AND lizards! Well, those people must be stopped.
And because I know no ones sitting at home listening to that song the only avenue we have to eradicate that and other harmful and senseless lyrics such as, ‘Only time will tell if we stand the test of time.’ Yeah dumbass, that’s how that shit works. Or ‘I’ma make you my bitch/Cake, cake, cake, cake/Cake, cake, cake, cake/Cake, cake, cake, cake.’ (that bitch maker loves her some cake) or (sticking with the cake motif) Someone left the cake out in the rain /I don’t think that I can take it /Cause it took so long to bake it /And I’ll never have that recipe again. Oh, someone left the cake out in the rain, could it have been you Mr. Shitty Lyricist? Because who else would write about someone being so dumb they left a cake out in the rain only to have a mental breakdown because of it and then admit they’re suck schmucks they didn’t even jot the damn recipe down. But could write stupid lyrics about it.
The world must be saved by these songs. And the only way we can do it is to banish jukeboxes. Well, we could also learn to appreciate better music and recognize dreck when we hear it. But, having listened to the jukebox selection the other night I think it’s much too late to hope for that.
Come on everyone! First we get rid of jukeboxes and then we can say bye-bye to Sweet Caroline!