The Factory

It’s been a busy day here at the asshole factory. We’ve been punching out douchebags by the billions; putting the finishing touches on pricks by the peck; shipping out shitheads by the sheet. It’s simple work but it’s proud work. But for as many dirtbags that we turn out we just can’t seem to fill the jerk needs of every idiot out there.

The day was just a septic tank full of our usual dregs. As hard as manufacturing worked the guys in sales kept writing up orders which is good because the guys in receiving kept taking in all those rude, thoughtless and downright evil parts that are the cornerstone of our business.

If there is a downside to working at Acme Asswipe, it’s that you start to miss the thoughtless and pigheaded behavior that surrounds us every day. I don’t even notice the guy in the next cubicles habit of taking off his shoes and chewing off his toenails then spitting them into his corkboard any more. As a matter of fact, I might even long for it after he gets fired. Oh oh! I hope he doesn’t read this we’re not through putting together his severance package.

Because we’ve become so used to shitty behavior we sometimes don’t know if we’re actually doing any good here. Are the insults and middle fingers we churn out making an impact out there for the average Joe? You know what I mean? We put all this time into making sure the person in front of you is texting while driving or the guy in the elevator smells like a microwaved marmot. But are we making an impact?

Then, every once in a while, something happens and I know that we are still putting the F in fucktard!

It was a quick call. He seemed to know exactly what he required so he asked for it directly.

“Do you have any Dickwad 1157’s?”

It’s an older model but it’s still useful for beating a pregnant woman to the last seat on the train and other classics. After a quick search in our exhaustive database I noticed that the Dickwad model 1157 was on backorder. I gave him the bad news which caused him to mumble some half-assed profanity and hang up the phone.

I guess he was in a hurry to call our major competitor, Up Yours Industry, but, come on! If we don’t have a Dickwad 1157 in stock do you think those chuckleheads will? Ha! Don’t make me laugh. Please don’t. Laughing and being courteous are frowned upon in the industry. I’ve already been written up this week for holding the elevator for a co-worker.

I didn’t give the call a second thought. I shrugged off his rudeness as the bread and butter of the industry. I went back to filling an order for a case of fuck yous and a twelve pack of stopping in the doorway at a grocery store. They’re on sale this week and have been flying off the shelves.

Not unusually the phone rang again. It seems as if bastards just can’t wait to get their way.

“How much is a Dickwad 1157?”

I haven’t had a call on those for over two months so you can imagine my surprise. I did think maybe it was the curt fellow from before matching our every day low prices with the gouging he must have got from those grifters at Up Yours but I gave him the information he asked for.

I was about to inquire as to when he’d need the item and inform him that, at this time, we had nothing in stock but he abruptly hung up the phone. Those of you outside the industry may have thought that impolite but to us at Acme Asswipe we think of it as not having to spend the time saying good-bye! It’s such a time saver!

As you can see, the day was busy because the phone chimed in right away.

“Acme Asswipe. What the fuck do you want?” I begin with our official company greeting.

“I just called you.” One of the more annoying habits of the barbarous is they’re often quite stupid. Of course he just called me. We’re conversing at this very moment. “I disguised my voice and went to a different phone and you gave me the price of a Dickwad 1157.”

“Yes, you asked for a pri. . .”

“. . .but I called you earlier and said you didn’t have Dickwad 1157’s in stock.”

“Yes, that time you asked. . .”

“. . .you’re a fucking asshole. You can go fuck yourself you fucking fuck.” And then he slams down the phone.

I gently hung up the phone thinking that it may be nice if his nose got infested with a family of rabid raccoons but I was also proud.

Proud because I was certain he was using our Pompous Schmuck Family Pack! And with the load of bile he’s tossing around it’ll be no time until he’s back at our order desk!



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