My name is Chris. . .

. . .and I’m an asshole.

No, no, don’t try to talk me out of it. It’s true. Just ask me.

To prove it I will give you irrefutable evidence. I know it may be hard to believe but I can be pretty quiet. I don’t need to be the center of attention. Truly, I believe I get more attention than my piddling talents deserve. So, unless provoked, I’m satisfied to sit off to the side away from the hubbub. I’ve actually found it a benefit to society. Because of that, there are times when someone who doesn’t know me sees me sitting off by myself so figure I’m missing out.

And they are right, I’m missing out on being bothered. You see, when people approach someone off on their own they’re almost inevitably aggressive know-it-alls. They like to find the one person who’s wandered from the herd. It gives them an opportunity to show one more person just how much is stuffed in their head. You see, people like this feel someone being quiet can’t be as intelligent as them. Or they’d be talking.

And don’t think you can ignore them. That only fires them up and they’ll follow you to the ends of the earth just to let you know what you’re missing out on. So I sit there and listen. The entire time I’m just biding my time. And trust me, it’s a trap set by someone who is a professional asshole.

Turns out one of his many fields of expertise was music so it was just my luck music happened to be playing. He asks me if I knew the band whose song is playing. Not wanting to escalate the musical war (if you know stuff they’ll go into the topping game) I say no. He can’t believe it and explains a load of crap to me. The next song comes on and the same thing happens.

You may be thinking he’s being a good guy. Broadening my musical knowledge. But it’s not that. He doesn’t think I can comprehend the vastness of his knowledge. This is all for him. And if you believe I’m going to let him get away with it I suggest you stick around and read a little more on how things end for people like this.

I knew who was playing the song that was on. The guitarist is a friend. I just want him to get to a place where he feels so confident in my stupidity when I pull out the asshole card he’ll feel it for days. Good for me it gets to that point with the very next song. The song is ‘Don’t Let Me Down’. I can tell by his expression he knows I know this.

“You have to know who does this.”

“As a matter of fact, I do.” I confidently answer. “I saw them a few months ago.” His brow furrows. “It’s the Fab Faux. They put on an awesome show.”

Have you ever had a person give you an answer so perplexing you wish you were there the moment before conception just so you could punch their father in the balls to stop it? Well I’ve seen that look.

“No,” he disgustedly says. “It’s The Beatles.”

“Never heard of them. Are they any good?”

“You’ve never heard of The Beatles?”

“No. Are they new? The Fab Faux have been around for about a decade maybe these Beatles cover some of the Fab Faux’s songs.”

The guy can’t believe what he’s hearing. He looks at me as if I am a damaged vessel which should be sunk at sea. He looks around and sees a guy I know. He calls him over and explains the situation. It doesn’t take more than a few seconds for my friend to make sense of the situation.

Then start laughing.

“He’s fucking with you.” The guy’s contempt for my stupidity turns to disgust once he digest this information.

“You’re an asshole.”

I rest my case.

In case you’re unaware, The Fab Faux is the world’s premier Beatles cover band. I’ve seen them with full horns and strings and just the boys and a better time would be hard to come by. Go see them when they pass by your town.

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2 responses to “My name is Chris. . .

  1. the fab faux are great. only caught them once so far but great show.

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