Baby Of The Year

An obnoxious woman was going on and on about her kid. Please, parents, knock that shit off. We, the non-parent people of your child, don’t give a rats turd about stories about your kid.

I’m going to say that again so you know I’m serious, no matter what brilliant thing you think your twat snot did. Unless it’s win a Nobel Peace Prize for sleepiest baby or got drafted womb fresh in the first round of the NFL draft or cured juvenile diabetes (which would be the only disease that selfish little bag of turd would tackle), trust me, there is little difference between one sticky factory and another.

We’ve all been there. Proud of a child’s accomplishment and wanted to talk about it but sitting up and pointing at a color a Van Gough it does not make. So take it down a peg or you will have to spend all your time with your sweet little blob because no self-respecting adult will be seen anywhere near you.

But you know how it is, once you have one of these proudness missiles in your vicinity you’d need mace and an M-16 (both of which you sadly forgot) to even
wind her. So she’s chattering, I’m not hearing one superlative she’s uttering but it still bugs the shit out of me that she thinks because I have not caused blunt force trauma to her head I give a shit.

“Well,” she breathlessly states. “I have to be going. I have so many things to do with the baby. After I leave here we’re going to baby yoga.”

“Huh.” I say really meaning it. “Yeah well, I gotta go too.” She looks at me as if whatever I’m doing could not compare with baby yoga with the future mop
boy at the Seedy Shack. But I have a surprise for her. Unbeknownst to her, I’m more than willing to lie. “I have to take my baby boy to his class too.”

She brightens up a smidge. Maybe thinking there’s a play date in our future. How she can pawn the spawn off one day with me while she goes and bangs a crane
operator she picked up in some shit hole bar. But I’m too smart for that. When I’m done with her she’ll want to forget she ever told me her blessed stories.

“Yeah, he really like going to tiny tot MMA.”

Her face got all cute and baby pink like.


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