After my work week ended my girlfriend and I were out watching a football game. For three quarters of the game, by use of the bar mirror, I’ve been watching the rapidly balding guy next to my girlfriend pull small segments of hair out of his head. It’s an exciting game but c’mon, man!
Then I would sit there in fascination as he sprinkled the tiny tufts of hair on the floor like some follicle fairy. He’d better get over that habit real soon or it’ll get over for him.
During this time he’s also exhibiting a vast array of facial ticks. Dastardly eye brow raises, Samantha Stevens like nose crumples, A E I O U mouth exercises. As much as I like football all of this was more fascinating. I know I’ll be able to see another football game in twenty minutes. But this? It might takes weeks to see something like this again.
He’s also been talking to himself in patterns. Not,
“Oh, you’ve got to learn to catch the ball, you silly twit.”
“My, this is surely a rousing contest we have going here, wouldn’t you say?”
Or other football fan phrases no one has ever said up to this point.
They were more of the,
“Banana goat fish fry enema.”
So, as you can see, my attention was captured.
At one point I’m looking at my girlfriend. Whether for confirmation that she was also witnessing this blessed event or because she wasn’t and I wanted her to join in on the festivities, I’m not sure. All I am sure of is that I was looking at her. Right at that moment she leaned back. For the first time I’m looking directly at the guy. He must have felt my cornea rays because he immediately turned, looked at me and asked,
“Who you eyeballing?
Now if his eye contact shield worked when vision was bounced via a mirror I’m sure that question would have been asked long ago. But, because I found the magical avoidance method for direct eye to skin contact, he had not. I looked at him for a second, or three days in his mind, and said,
“Not that it’s any of our business, but, I balling my girlfriend.”
He turned his head back and resumed pulling out his hair in earnest.
I never really give anyone a satisfactory answer, do I?