Sometimes when people may want to hire me to write stuff they often want to meet me.
I know! Idiots.
The moment I met this guy I knew he was off his rocker. I knew he’d be constantly checking in. Emails, faxes, phone calls, carrier pigeon, this guy would be a haunt and I knew it. He wouldn’t let me take his manic scribbling and attempt to translate them into something less creepy.
Not that anyone could.
But I’m polite. . .ish. It wasn’t until he started the ‘What is your. . .’ line of questioning that I decided to fuck with him.
“What is your most impressive feat?” I swear he asked that. Like I’m a circus performer. Without hesitation I answered,
“I’ve snagged flying flies in mid air with my bare hands. Twice.” I smiled, stared at him while nodding and grinning. That combination from me has to be creepy as shit on a forehead. He tried to recover but I could tell he was rattled.
“What is your worst trait?” What the fuck are these questions? It’s not like we’ll ever be in the same room together again. And I’m just the guy to make that a reality. I decided to give this one some thought.
“My worst trait, my worst trait.” I take the requisite pause before saying. “I’d have to say my worst trait is that I don’t have a worst trait.” I look at him sincerely. “That is bad, isn’t it?”
He’s losing it. If he could have burrowed through the floor he would have. I can also see that he doesn’t want to upset me or make any sudden moves. But he surer than shit wants to.
I release him, because I’m kind, and say, “Do you want to know what my biggest dream is?” With pain he nods. “To bring your life in orthodontia to the written page.”
I stand abruptly just to see him shiver and hold out my hand. I’m not 100% sure but I think he shit himself. I know he wished he could telepathically call 911. I could have stood there all day but I’m not evil. I said,
“I’ll be expecting your call.” Then turned for the door. Midway I stopped. I slowly turned around and said, “Really, I am expecting your call.”
Then I grinned at him.
I think he peed a little.