I’m thinking of. . .

. . .starting a new web site featuring only videos from the south called YouRube.

You think the devil. . .

. . .had a bitch of a time in Georgia, just wait till you hear what happened to him when he came up to Boston.

Someone was bitching. . .

. . .about all the dating sites they’ve used and how crappy they all are. She showed me one of her sites and I immediately saw the problem.

“Whoever wrote your bio has never met you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve never seen you walk further than from your house to the car. What’s this liking long walks bullshit.”

“Everyone uses that but I’m sure no ones ever done it.”

“There’s nothing here I’ve ever seen you do or even pretend to do.”

“I’m trying to put my best face forward.”

“And I think that’s the problem. Eharmony would suck for you.You need a site that’ll truly understand you.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, maybe ehumorme?”

Why do I try to help people? They never seem to appreciate all my effort.

I was asked

“How’s the world treating you?”

“The world’s treating me fine. It’s the people who are fucking up my life.”

Ooops.

A woman comes in and says, “Happy Father’s Day!”

To which I responded, “You too!”

Immediately she looks at me as if I’ve lost my mind. Well, I’ve got to fix this.

“I hope you do if you ever grow a penis, impregnate a woman and carry it to term! If that happens, happy damn father’s day!”

I think I got out of that one. Don’t you?

Things People Say

“Companies should be able to fire the gays.” Said a devout catholic.

“I’ll agree.” I say. “If we start with the catholic church.”

I could tell by her reaction she did not like my stratagem.

It’s true

I’m the happiest guy in the world.

Which shows you just how miserable everyone else in the world is.