This Time It’s Differences

Would you believe it! I just remembered what I wanted to talk about last time. You remember, that important subject. You remember, don’t you? The differences between man and woman? That’s right! You remember. Yes, I did go a little off topic last time but this time, trust me, eye of the liger. I’ll be sticking to this topic like a booger on a beggars finger.

The main difference between man and woman is tasks. That’s it. For the most part the rest of it is the same. I know women who laugh at the most disgusting things and men who cringe at the mere hint of a testicle smashing joke. I know men with stellar fashion sense and women who are mechanics.

It’s when we go from A to B is where the difference is most visible. When a man needs to go from A to B he starts at A and goes to B as swiftly as possible. When a woman has a task that needs to go from A to B she begins at A then goes to A1 where she thinks about B’s feelings then to A2 where she wonders if she is dressed properly for B then to A3 where she worries about the environmental impact of traveling from A to B then and then and then. It can go on endlessly and it may never come to a satisfactory conclusion.

I can best prove this by going back in time. Back to a time when I (sometimes) wore a tie to work. It was in a big building with many different companies. The weird thing about working in a building is you run into the same people every day. You don’t speak to them, maybe you’ll nod, but they seem like the usual background players in the sitcom of your life.

The day after I broke up with is girl I went to work bummed. No, that’s not true. I was relieved. I would have broken it off a few months before but it was wedding and communion and bat mitzvah season. Every weekend during that time there was something. I’d already committed to it all so was just waiting until that last damn wedding to break it off.

See? I am a nice guy.

That day I saw this woman I’d see every day. We’d had some pleasant conversations over the time. She was funny and smart and cute. We’re in the elevator doing the small talk thing when it dawns on me that I can ask her out. She’s about to exit the elevator when I say,

“Hey, you leave at five, right?” She nods. “If you can, don’t leave without seeing me, okay?” She said she’d try and we go our separate ways.

Now here is when the differences between men and women clearly erupt. I’m telling you this as a public service. The next time the gender you are not does these things you can now relax in the knowledge that it’s just them doing what comes naturally and there’s nothing you (or they) can do about it. They’re not doing it to piss you off. They’re not doing it ‘to’ you. They just are and you can’t change it. It’d be like trying to teach a manatee to juggle. Sure, it’d be fun but, in the end, you’d be frustrated and the manatee would develop a searing sense of low self-esteem.

Later she told me about my asking her out and how she processed it. She said she spent the day thinking about it. She convinced herself that I was, indeed, asking her out. Then, just as surely, that I wasn’t. Then she figured I was just seeing if she wanted to get an after work drink. Nothing weird about that. Most people in the office hit one of the bars to kill time before getting the train. Then she figured I was looking for a new job so was just going to ask her if there were any openings. She went as far as going to human resources to get a job listing sheet. All day long these scenarios flopped back and forth in her head. She said she got next to nothing done all day because of the distractions.

As five drew near that’s when she kicked it into high gear. She made sure her clothes were presentable. Spray a little eau de stink nice on her. Put on a fresh face. One last check to make sure she’s ready. Then another one just to be sure. One last go round in her head. Then she was ready. Unsure but sort of ready.

She was standing near the front door when I got off the elevator I saw her and thought,

“Oh yeah. I’d forgotten I’d asked her to meet me.”

And that is the exact and only difference between men and woman.

Once he puts the ball in motion he doesn’t think about it until it’s back on his side of the court. Because he knows once the ball is in flight it’s out of his control.

Whereas a woman believes once the ball is in play she can change it’s course through will or desire. And the whole time the ball is in the air she feels that with one more adjustment she can bend it to her will.

I’m not saying men are better or even less thoughtful or women care more about things. It’s just the way of the wiring. And, let me tell you guys, you’re lucky it goes that way. Because if women didn’t think it through and take so much time to make a decision, if they went straight from A to B, not one woman in the world would say yes to any of your stupid invitations.

Think about it, men. Do you know what a leap of faith it is to say yes to some random guy, who probably has a visible stain she’s seen but has decided to ignore, who walks up and asks her out? And do you think you’re the first? Not even today, Sport. So what’s she’s done is distill years of ham-handed pick-up lines into an intricate flow chart that she works out to see if you fall into the yes or no category.

So, men, relax when your woman takes forever to make up her mind. After all, she chose you, right? So give her all the time she needs. Maybe next time she’ll make the right decision.

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2 responses to “This Time It’s Differences

  1. I think I like this column. I have to mull the repercussions of liking it a bit more before I remove the qualifying condition, though.

  2. AH HA !!!
    Now I know why I always the the “excuse” … “I’m tired”… when I suggest “extracurricular activities” at night.

    She is TIRED from going through all of the possibilities, all the reasoning (both positive and negative) and many other things before coming to the decision …that she is tired … from thinking too much.

    …. I think I need a nap now …

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