I am here to fully explain the differences between men and women. Years of human suffering have gone unabated because we just can’t seem to figure out those differences.

Until now.

You’re welcome.

Sorry it took me so long to get to it.

I’ve been busy.

That’s no excuse.

But it has been a jam packed series of decades.

Now where was I?

Was it the stupid spree I went on? That must be it. What could be more important than the stupid spree I went on? Nothing I can think of right now.
I didn’t say it was a mean spree. I went out of my way to be stupid to others because I had a day where I dealt with a gaggle of dead eyed trolls who’d botch their own masturbation.

It came to a head when I was dealing with this producer who wanted some scripts written. Simple work. I basically look at footage, think of something, type it, give it to them, they hand me money. What could go wrong?

The guy, who I’ve known for years but never worked with, is a little full of himself. In the manner that Augustus Gloop was a little full. But it ‘s not the first pompous dork I’ve dealt with. But he took it to a new level by trying to sell me his resume as a reason I should, how should I say? Temper my desire for money by being bathed in that which is his gleam.

Fuck that shit.

I told him although I appreciated his resume (I lied) I appreciate eating more. That seemed to make him unhappy. So he started to tell me how easy it would be, how prestigious it would be, how if I worked for him my words would be enjoyed by the multitude.

Seeing I was unmoved by his generous offer to volunteer he pulled out his stopper, his ace in the hole, his holy grail.

“I had a show on the Christian Science Monitor Network.” Swayed as I wasn’t, I said,

“I walk past that building all the time and don’t care. What chance does a defunct network I never watched have to sway me?”

A day later I was still bugged by this. So, walking through a downtown area, I knew I needed to blow off a little steam. I didn’t want to fuck up anyone’s day but give them something memorable to bring home for their daily ‘you won’t believe what some idiot did today’ moment.

I rushed into a big drug/anything else their wholesaler will sell them store looking around frantically. I’ve seen that work in the past so thought I’d give it a shot. And damned if it didn’t work.

A managerial looking guy with that twice divorced, six weeks behind on child support to the wrong ex-wife look strode up and asked if he could help me.

“Yes!” I bleated breathlessly. “Do you have blue scissors?” I stared at him expectantly as he attempted to process that.

“Ah, blue scissors?”

“Yes!” I asserted uncertainly. I had no idea where I was going with this or how or why I said blue scissors. But I’ve come to the point in my life where I don’t question myself. I find that safest.

“Ah, why blue?”

“Because they cut the best!” I snapped disgustedly before turning away and walking out the door. “Everyone knows that!”

Most people would have stopped there. Taken that little moment of Zen and let that carry them thought their day. But most people aren’t me. And most people didn’t see a grocery store a few hundreds yards away. As a buddy of mine is wont to say, in for a dime, in for a dollop.

I didn’t say he was a bright buddy.

I walked through the store picking up anything that looked disgusting. A few random pickled and broiled and freeze dried items. Not a lot. I’m an idiot but very lazy about it. I carried my little basket to the cash register adding one more item along the way.

I stand in the line patiently waiting my turn. Smiling, politely, when anyone made eye contact. A carefree man with nothing but time to spare. As I stood there one prank I did years ago popped into my head.

I was taking old files from one computer to another. There was this folder filled with sounds. I listened to a few then opened up with one and laughed.

It was message an old girlfriend left. I laughed and, a second before trashing it, had a thought. I’d leave it on my current answering machine so when my current girlfriend heard it she’d have a nutty until I explained my hilarious prank. I called the house, left the message then promptly forgot about it.

A while later my girlfriend called. Very freaked out. Oh, oh. But I didn’t panic. I’d see where this went. Turns out she’d changed her plans and didn’t go out with friends. She stayed home. After puttering around she decided she’d lay down and rub one out. In the middle the phone rang, she fought to get her attention back then the answering machine kicked in and she heard a woman’s voice say,

“I want you.”

Now she’s freaked out thinking someone can see her. She slides off the bed and shuts the shades. She sat in the corner for a while until she found the strength to crawl to the phone to call me. She was totally freaked that someone was watching her. I listened and told her everything was okay. But that wasn’t enough. She went on and on and on. Finally she calmed down but talked about it for days.

I never told her what I did.

A smile on my face remembering that story I take my items out of the basket. When it’s my turn I stop the cashier before she swiped the first item.

“How long have you worked here?” Disinterested, she answers.

“Three years.”

“Good!” I say with sunshine beaming from the O’s. “Then maybe you can answer this.” I pause for a moment making sure she gets into the correct slumping position for answering customers questions. “Do you think this is enough toilet paper for this amount of food?”

She furrowed her brow and, without even looking at my goods, said, “I don’t know.”

I scoff at her and say, “Well, you’ll never make manager.” And walk out of the store.

But I’m sure that’s not what I wanted to talk about. I was supposed to be discussing an important topic. Not my randomly fucking with people. Oh well, maybe I’ll remember it next time.

2 responses to “Differences

  1. I never cease to be amazed at the originality and humor in your blogs. Love it!

  2. Everyone knows that the orange scissors are the best. Because they are Fiskars, Orange mutha-fiskars. No wonder that poor, sad man was confused.

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