My girlfriend likes to try food she’s never had before. Good for her. The problem is I don’t always know what I’m eating. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a fussy eater. You put things in front of me and chances are I’ll put it in my mouth. But if you put something called polenta on the table and I walk in and, because it looks like a brick of cheese, I treat it like a bricks of cheese, bad thing happen.

Have you ever used a spoon to scrape off the roof of your mouth?

I have!

She also gets on these kicks. She wants to eat a certain style or texture or cuisine so that’s what we do. This week it was Salvadorian. She heard about the restaurant from a Mexican couple we were talking to at a Chinese restaurant owned by Italians. She was very interested in the objects of food they were talking about but I’m sure the clincher was the picture the woman showed. It was of a margarita with a small Corona, I’m told it’s called a Mexican Bulldog, held upside down in the glass. I heard it was all tasty. I didn’t get to go because I was working.

But her pictures looked lovely.

The other day she purchased Manzano bananas. Little mutant fellows. The size of William “The Refrigerator” Perry fingers (his Super Bowl ring size is 25 which is almost 4 inches in diameter). Yellow like piss that od’d on riboflavin. Terry tore two of those ripe looking little suckers off and we took a bite.

And immediately realized the folly of our ways. It tasted like you’d just licked a decades worth of chalk residue caked up on the inside of a third grade teachers arm flap. And then, as an added bonus, it coated the inside of your mouth with the consistency of a wet suit.

And here is where it got disgusting.

Although you didn’t want to do it, actually battled not to, it forced you to run your tongue over the film in hopes of clearing it. But it only made it worse. Like some chalk tasting rubber chia pet.

Terry then checked (oh good, check after the poisoning) and found out you’re supposed to eat them not when they are yellow (like every other banana in the world) but when they are brown or black (when every other banana in the world is considered rotting).

Fool me once. . .

“I will not be attempting this experiment again.” I said authoritatively. “This falls into the class of items you should not put in your mouth, like sashquatch hair or polenta. Besides, it has been my experience, oh these many years, that brown or black bananas are not to be eaten. I will continue following that creed. These are mutant joke bananas sent by horrible people hell bent on damaging our taste buds.”

I’m considering changing my eat what’s put in front of me stance. Picky eaters may never look all that happy or satisfied but I’m damn sure they’ve never had to Zamboni the roof of their mouth with a spoon.


2 responses to “Food

  1. This is totally hilarious – because it is so true! Anybody who has ever gone to someone’s home for dinner and found out that the family’s favorite – specially cooked because company was coming-meal is something you cannot bear to look at, much less eat, can relate to this post. Good grief! I am going to skip lunch…

  2. I was invited to someone’s house and they made a show of making me something the said was a ‘delicacy in my country.’ I took one bite and said,

    “Now I know why you left that country.”

    Do you think that could have been the reason I was never invited back?

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