10 Things

I Hate About Green Beer

10. Amateurishly waters down professionally watered down beer.
9. Green beer combined with my bladder infection turns my urine yellow.
8. Hard to pick out the little green men during a Martian invasion.
7. If it’s good enough for the pesudo Irish pub down the street, that alone should convince you.
6. At closing time, EMT’s can’t tell who’s actually sick.
5. It stains your shillelagh, if you get my drift.
4. Makes everyone look like they’ve done more than kiss the Blarney Stone.
3. God didn’t make little green Amstel.
2. Turns out, it affects the taste.
1. It’s made of people!

May you have a wonderful, safe, curseless St. Patrick’s Day from Bound & Gags.



20 responses to “10 Things

  1. re: #10 The Beer Watering Olympics will be starting soon, and all those amateurs need the exposure and practice.

    And re: #5 You should not be dipping your shillelagh in your mug!

  2. Hey I posted a little something on St. Patrick’s Day idiocy too. Take a look and see what you think…

    “St. Patrick’s Day in America has little to do with Irish heritage or pride. Sure they cancerate the Chicago River with 50 tons of green die and, yeah, your local high-minded bookstore stages a reading of Ulysses but, for 90% of Americans, St. Patrick’s Day means one thing: Getting Wasted. Year after year, dumbass after dumbass uses Paddy’s day as an excuse to haul the token “futball” jersey out of the closet, slap a plastic “Bud Light” tam-o-shanter on the head, and pound Shamrock Shakes until party time. After that it’s a steady round of “I luv ya’s” and mumbled “they’re magically delicious” jokes until the previously pounded Green Coors return, interrupting the poorly sung eighth round of Danny Boy.

    Isn’t it time to stop?”

    Don’t be a St. Patrick’s Day Dumbass

  3. My grandfather was FOB Irish and have many Irish friends (yes, even you Irish!) and most can’t understand the revelry. It’s a very reverent observance in Ireland.

    As a friend of mine just said, “Leave it to Americans.”

    That said, it works for me because I’m just here to tell jokes.

    > re: #10 The Beer Watering Olympics will be starting soon. . .
    As I wrote in the bartender bit, I saw my first green beer last week. A sad commentary. But, come on, Becky! Don’t let my reference in #10 hang!

  4. It warms my heart to know you didn’t forget me on St. Patrick’s Day.

    They don’t do any of this stuff in Ireland – it’s a holy day of obligation – the tradition is to go out and pull a sprig of shamrock and wear it proudly on St. Patrick’s Day. The three leaf shamrock signifies the Three Divine Persons in one God (Father, Son and Holy Spirit). Now, am I telling you something you didn’t know or did you know that already? I am working tomorrow – so I’m not celebrating until after work – somewhere in Brighton – probably the Green Briar where Kevin works.


    Your Irish Friend,

    Marie G.

  5. And the lucky four-leaf clover is actually an “under-ground” reference to the symbols of Druidism, the religion that St. Patrick banished from Ireland when he brought Catholicism. The druids were the “snakes” and their religion was matriarchal and revered/celebrated women; each leaf represents a stage in a woman’s life: childhood and innocence, maidenhood and fertility, the mother and physician or care-giver, and the old crone or wise woman.

  6. B&G– I am actually more worried about letting your “reference in” #5 hang than the one in #10! I think my motto for St. Patrick’s Day this year will be “Leave no shillelagh unturned!”

    Although on second thought, maybe it should be “Leave no shillelagh hanging”!!!

  7. I like Shamrock shakes, and I wish the stupid clown served them year-round, and not just in March.

  8. Hey wait a minute!! Don’t REAL Irishmen drink Drambuie and Crown Royal? (Not together of course!) And there is certainly no green dye in them!

    Personally, I drink Nyquil green (Vicks) all year round, and I feel fine, and there is absolutely no staining of the shillelagh!

  9. It’s made of PEOPLE??? I am SO disillusioned right now… 😦

  10. @ Becky – Coming from a long line of Scot and Irish drunks, I can tell you that you’re correct to a certain degree. The real Irish prefer large quantities of the following: Bushmills (the 92-proof), Cuttysark, Dewars, J&B, Jim Beam, Maker’s Mark (my personal favorite), Knobb Creek (the 100-proof), Bookers (the 125-proof), Wild Turkey, Johnny Walker, Crown Royal Special Reserve, and JD. 🙂

  11. Green beer is for teenagers and girls who work at the mall.

  12. I’m proud to be Irish.
    And I’m an American.
    And I will be drinking tomorrow.
    Because I fucking can.
    Thank you for this list.

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  14. Wendy’s list has inspired me to head to the liquor store. If I’m gonna celebrate correctly, I better get started!

  15. Wendy, please forgive me, but I have to ask, is that booze list what you carry in YOUR purse?

    After all, you already know the contents of my purse–it’s only fair.

  16. I am worried. If it turns a shillelagh green and it stains my lips green, will people assume my lips have been on a shillelagh?

    That could be messy.

  17. @ Becky – You are correct. My purse makes a clinking sound when I walk.

  18. Irish people suck! Wait a minute, I’m half Irish… Irish people half-suck!!!

  19. @ betme– Let’s paraphrase: “Lips that touch shillelagh shall never touch mine!”

    @ Suicide Mike– You’re half right!

    And finally back to Wendy–Since your purse clinks when you walk, I would like to propose that you be the “Toastmaster General”!

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