Monthly Archives: February 2013

Waking Up

When I get a true day off, what I mean by that is I have nothing scheduled, I like to sleep. Late. As late as possible. One day I’m hoping to sleep well into my next life.

That’s not totally true. I don’t sleep all the time. I just don’t get up. I lay there, take notes, think whatever weird thought I want, write stuff, ponder, pet cat, nap, repeat.

As you’d expect, all that can take a big chunk of time.

I get some of my best ideas outside of the shower there. It’s quiet. No TV. No radio. No computer. Just me, a pen and a pad. And a cat. And naps.

Alas, even the best things need to come to an end. Sometimes I hear,

“Are you going to stay in bed all day you lazy snot?” One day I’m going to figure out whose saying that (my girlfriend swears it’s not her. She says she loves it when I’m not around) and give them a what for.

But sometimes I get up because I’ve thought all my weird thoughts and have decided I must go forth and annoy the world at large with them. I’m good like that.

I get prepared for the day rejuvenated. Of sorts. I don’t think that’s a possibility for me because I truly don’t think I’ve ever been juvenated and that seems a vital component to rejuvenation.

I traipse down the stairs wondering what this free day, a day with nothing pre-ordained, will bring.

The first thing it brings is my lovely girlfriend. She’s watching TV, scouring the internet, texting, and petting a cat. She sees my feet flopping down the stairs and calls out,

“Who’s this? Who are you coming down here?” As she does just about every time sending herself into convulsions of laughter.

“Stiltskin.” I say. “Rumpel Stiltskin.” I say because it’s what I said. Don’t judge me!

“Don’t you mean Rip Van Winkle?”

“Nope.” I say reaching the first floor. “Because you’re not dead.”

If you found this amusing, please, enjoy, laugh, chortle, but please know that not everyone, well, one person specifically, did not find it quite as funny.

I think my lawyer is mad at me.

He asked me for a sworn testimony so I typed it out and sent him back six pages of all the swears I’ve sworn.

I know. . .

. . .you’ve come to expect me to have a retort for all occasions. But there comes a time, oh, trust me, there comes a time when even I, yes I, am speechless.

Hey! I heard that! Who said, “Good.”

Yeah, well, I can see your point. So you’ll be glad to know it happened. I’m sitting there half listening to some guy said something that, although it made me blink and think of attempting to say something, I was wise enough to leave it alone.

“I had to break up with her because her breasts tasted like walnuts.”

PS Some people have been in touch asking where I’ve been. I’m still here I’m just very busy on a project that’s taking longer than expected. Thanks for asking.

I put this. . .

. . .on my office door.