I just had this guy go on and on about what I don’t know. Between tinnitus, the radio, and my lack of giving a shit the only reason I knew he was speaking was because I was still standing up.

I vaguely snapped to for a moment when he said,

“Nothing is more expensive than missed opportunity.”

I nodded at him and said,

“I guess you’ve never priced a Vegas hooker.”

Just so you don’t think I attack nice, wholesome people without provocation (I do, but wouldn’t want you to think that), the guy was talking about one of those pyramid sche. . .oh sorry, multilevel marketing opportunities.


20 responses to “Opportunity

  1. My cousin, ever a sucker for a “get rich quick” or even better a “get rich without having to do any actual work” scheme put my name on her Amway recruiter’s list of potential contacts. When the guy called up to not take “no”‘for an answer I told him that I was seriously considering the name “Scamway” for my little slice of the Amway business pie, and he eventually took the hint.

    I paid my cousin back with a batch of homemade cream cheese fudgy chocolate brownies; special brownies with a secret extra chocolatey ingredient.

    She never made the connection and I still occassionally secretly sneer.

    Hey that’s just the way I am. I don’t get mad, and I don’t get even; I get ahead, and if you really piss me off I’ll get your head–stuffed and mounted and suitable for display!

  2. “…multi-level marketing opportunity…”

    You say potato, and I say poh-tah-toe.

  3. MLM bastards? More like “Except the treatment for the STD you got from fucking over your last chump.”

    Me not so friendly to MLM’s.

  4. I have always wanted to stop people in the middle of their sucker speaches and ask repeatedly “OK, But what do I get for free?”

    Becky ~ Does Ex-Lax still come in the yummy little chocolate squares? *smirk*

  5. @betme: I truly don’t know; this was about 15-16 years ago when my daughter was still just a twinkle in her daddy’s eye and a setting on my biological alarm clock. I remember because I had to make two batches of brownies: one for my cuz and one for my boys who were about 17, 2 and 33!

    In fact my middle child, the two year old at the time did take a big swipe at the batter with his finger and is probably emotionally scarred from me swooping down on him and making him spit it out! And now all these years later, I realize I should have let him spit it back into the batter bowl, instead of the dish towel.

    Maybe I’m not as evil as I like to think I am.


  6. Don’t sell yourself short, Becky! I’ve heard stories! You’re plenty evil.

  7. What exactly have you heard? Who have you been talking to? Those records were supposed to be sealed until my death and then it was supposed to be expunged. It was all part of the deal I made with the devil–I mean DA!

  8. dontdatethatdude

    I wonder, what did he say when you asked him about the hooker? Love the story, hate MLM!

  9. He did what people do when I say something they’re unhappy about hearing. Something about my not having to be rude and how I am severely lacking in people skills.

    They may have a point but that’s not how I see it. I see it like this, I’ve spent as much time listening to the spiel as I feel is prudent so must extricate myself from this predicament.

    A guy I knew for some time approached me and told me he’d started a church (I didn’t even know you could do that!) and would consider it a coup if he got me to join (What? If he gets me it’s like corralling Satan?). I told him I’d be happy to join if I got the kool-aid concession.

    Snapping at them is not my first response. It’s after some time of listening, stating my lack of interest, listening to why I should be interested, telling them although that may be true I’m not, then having them go full court press on my ass.

    That’s when my ‘conversation killers’ pop out.

  10. dontdatethatdude

    Oh yes, anybody can start a church! I think you should start one, it’s tax deductible! I believe more people with less people skills would make this world a better place and certainly more bearable. A fine “religious” platform. Telling the truth, what a concept, and yes serve the Kool-aid, it’s magically delicious!

  11. Now that’s a church I could get into! And I can just see the next time I have to be sworn in as a witness in a courtroom:

    “Yes I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me B&G!”

  12. On Communion days you can mix the red Kool Aid with vodka, and the lemon with gin; and instead of tasteless bland wafers you can offer salty pretzels, because B&G is twisted.

  13. Trouble is the B&G bible keeps bursting into flames because you’re supposed to swear in it not on it.

  14. dontdatethatdude

    I was thinking, the Kool-aid would be spiked with something else, my bad? Maybe your bible could come with a disclaimer or a fire proof mask, or a side line of protective gear, But of course your followers would curse into it, everyone else could just go up in smoke!

  15. @ dont– Do you mind if I call you dont? What do you want to spike the Kool Aid with? This is B&G, and being the hedonistic, whores that we are, we will do our best to accomodate the customer!

  16. I think there’s a bottle of bourbon around here somewhere?

  17. I don’t know where the bourbon is. I think Humping Mike was around. You know how he is. Someone gave me some of this – http://ultimatvodka.com/ – and it seems as if it would be a very fine addition to the B&G kool-aid.

  18. dontdatethatdude

    Hi Becky!
    You can call me don’t! See when I was young all Kool-aid was spiked with psychodelics and made for a memorable religious experience, sadly I can no longer spell! I hope this helps!

  19. @ dont–I keep my psychodelics in my purse, and have never done them with Kool Aid.

    And spelling doesn’t count unless you are petty and mean–then we rip you a new one!

  20. Becky: The B&G Enforcer! I don’t make the rules, I make sure they’re followed!

    Haahahahahaha. Great comment, Becky.

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