No, Simply No.

“Hey Chris, do you have time to write me some jokes?”

“When do you need them?”



Okay, let’s play ‘What Comes Next?’

1) “Yeah, I figured it was a long shot but I thought I’d give it a shot. Thanks anyway.”
2) “You’re screwing me here, you know. You’re really screwing me here. Fuck you, asstits.”
3) “What? You don’t have time to write jokes for me?”
“Not today.”
“You can’t even take an hour to write some jokes for me?”
“Not even half an hour.”
“I can’t believe it. I mean, how hard can it be?”
“Hard enough that you tried all week, got nothing, so were forced to make this call.”
“Fuck you.”

I’ll give you a hint. The winning entry included the offer for me to fuck myself but without the patronymic.

I’ve long come to the conclusion that people, no matter what it is, if they have something in mind, do not want anyone to stand in the way of their achievement.

I can’t tell you how many times a day I disappoint people (we’re just sticking with clothes on here) because whatever it is they want I don’t have or can’t do. It’s not that, if I could, I wouldn’t accommodate them. I would. Not because I want to be all that helpful. Mainly because it’s a way to shut them up expediently.

It’s like giving a screaming baby a pacifier soaked in bourbon.

But, instead of a screed about how no doesn’t just mean no during rape, I’m going to hide my base instinct, and turn this into a PSA for all those people who have to deal with the bearer of bad news.

Ahem. Sorry, I had to get my base instinct off the tip of my tongue.

When sidling up to a person in a service related industry with a question, on the off chance that person must inform you that the item, service, desire, you are asking for is not possible at this time and potentially illegal in all states other than the state of dementia, do not continue to ask them if they’re sure because it will get you nowhere because:

1) yes, they are sure.
2) yes, they know there are no more in the back of the store.
3) no, they don’t know when more will arrive.

Let’s explain why:

1) because you’re not the first person to ask about this today.
2) because they’ve already been forced back there by annoying, bullying trolls multiple times today which isn’t actually a bad thing because they got to go back there, take a mini-break and say evil things about you.
3) because the shipper wouldn’t tell us what’s coming in because that piece of shit is afraid of losing control of his dusty, mouse shit strewn fiefdom.

Now, if that’s not enough to cure your ills, let me stick in a little bonus, you know when you’re told we’ll give you a rain check and call you when it comes in? If you’ve been an a repeater offender we will give you a rain check but we will not under any circumstances call you to tell you when they came in.

Well, that’s not totally true.

We’ll call you the moment the last one walks out of the store.

When we’re about to leave on our day off.

So please, we’re not out here to fuck with you. But, if you don’t understand basic concepts and phrases, remember, we are experienced and powerful counterpunchers.

Thank you for your time.

There is no more to be said.

I SAID there is no more!

Do you people learn anything?????????

2 responses to “No, Simply No.

  1. No, but the troll bridge is closed. Do you offer the demented folks drugs? This could be a stated reason they call you back weeks at a time. Actually the above incident seems funny with you not just playing deaf + dumb. Oh as to the Bourbon those folks will camp out at your door waiting for free-bee’s. Hey I have a confirmation number stating that part’s in please ship it COD. Thanks walk to the post office in the rain, ha ha. This reply shows you the funny side. Yourre a great person Chris don’t let this change you Zell. Your friend..Later PETER A…..

  2. Gene Wilder said it best.

    “I said GOOD DAY!”

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