Monthly Archives: April 2012

When I’m not. . .

. . .engaged in a conversation my mind tends to wander. Also, if I don’t see an end to the prattle, I’ll concoct an end. And this is how it just went down.

“Have you ever peed during a shower?”

Having absolutely nothing to do with what they were talking about the person is, naturally, stunned. Because of that they blurt out an answer.

“Of course.”

“Did you get in trouble?”

Still out of their comfort zone, they once again answer,

“No.”

I stand there nodding for a second.

“Huh. I guess I shouldn’t have peed on the gifts then.”

Emo rocks a job interview!

Ludwig Wittgenstein said,

“Hell isn’t other people. Hell is yourself.”

My version is,

“Hell isn’t other people. Hell is yourself near other people.”

Biden Bad Lip Reading

“So, what are you working on?”

“I’m writing card bits for a company.”

That’s exactly what I said. By his reaction you’d think I’d said,

“I’m wiring cats nuts to a car battery.”

I listen to him, for a moment, before it was my turn.

“So, I’m selling out my ‘art’, as you so ardently put it. Listen to me you hipster douche, I’m working at a job I like. Unlike you who works a job they continually bitch about being so beneath them while talking about all the creative ideas they have yet no one’s seen a turds weight of one. Well, unless you count your snarky little secret blog you have where you do nothing but slag the people you work with yet they’re the only people who’ll hang out with you. I wonder what that says about you? Listen to me you posing little twat, it takes very little to state that you’re fucking brilliant, but it takes a barrel full of wit to be able to write a birthday card that makes a depressed fifty year old laugh. So leave now before I open your skull and continue pissing on your brain.”

I think I’ve had too much coffee this morning.

Ran into someone. . .

. . .we hadn’t seen in a while. She hugged my girlfriend then me saying,

“She hasn’t killed you yet.”

“It’s on her to do list every day.” I tell her. “So it’s good for me she procrastinates.”

Bet you didn’t know Barney was an O.G.

Unsung hero

I passed a sign that said,

‘Congratulations  Our Unsung Hero, Mandy Tyler!’

Doesn’t that negate the unsung part because everyone now knows Mandy’s a hero?

Shouldn’t it be ‘Congratulations  Our Unsung Hero, You Know Who You Are!’?

The Economy

I know it’s a phrase passed down from those who know better to those who should, but, it doesn’t make it any less idiotic sounding.

A little Marty Sunshine enters and, after explaining why, for the third month in a row, his payment is short or not coming, he parrots,

“The economy is turning around!”

“Yeah,” I say knowing full well whatever is going to come out of my mouth, whatever mechanism I use to choose such things hasn’t decided yet, isn’t going to comfort him. “That’s so they can now fuck it in the ass.”

Is it too early to make a grown man crumble?

Explanations

I was explaining a not vastly difficult concept to a person who’d come up with a stand-up character for himself yet didn’t understand how his own concept would work.

During one frustrating moment that signaled a closer end to my personal consultation hell (meaning he was close to running the payment meter to zero) I finally said,

“There’s so much to say to you with so little brain to comprehend it.”