Monthly Archives: September 2011

I was standing. . .

. . .on the outskirts of a dance floor. I didn’t intend to be standing there I was waylaid on the way back to my table by someone who, don’t you hate this, wanted to talk.

He’s chatting while surveying the dancers. He nudges me and makes a comment about the looks of one of the dancers. I look through the crowd trying to pick out the person he’s talking about. I blink a few times before asking him a simple question,

“Are you talking about your cousin?”

“Yeah, good looks run in the family, don’t ya think?”

“What the fuck are you doing? Auditioning for Dateline Predator: The Family Edition?”

Create Your Own!

How’s this for interactive? YOU get to do half (or more if truth be told) the work!

Here’s how we’re doing this. I’ll write the lyrics and YOU hum along or whatever it is you like to do musically!

Many years ago I did write lyrics for money. I haven’t in many years. I’ve written joke songs since but that’s been it. We were featured on an album – here’s the tune: http://tinyurl.com/c5nn2p – and were offered a contract but we imploded and I left the industry.

A week ago a guy I know came up to me whining (It’s Whine Week on the Pisscoveryou Channel!) because he hasn’t been able to write any new songs.

I understand it’s hard for some people and I do ‘try’ to be supportive. But there’s only so far I’ll go. After I’ve said sometimes you just have nothing to say; it happens to the best of ’em; relax, you’re just recharging; just keep being; you know, all the stupid things I say that I really believe.

But after that if you’re still whining, I’m likely to turn on your ass like a syphilitic pitbull with ringworm.

I told him to sit down, think of something stupid, and write some shit down. It doesn’t have to be good, useful, all it has to do is kick start you.

“That’s easy to say.”

“Snot is easy to say. Sitting down is easier. I don’t care if you sit there for sixteen hours and all you do is watch infomercials, did you have a reaction to the shamwow? Jot that shit down!”

There are so many people who place too much emphasis on communicating when talking is easier. I talk every day but I’m sure I don’t communicate much at all. Communicating is too much pressure. I just talk.

Sometimes I write it down.

After about an hour, the last half with me not communicating, he’s totally frustrated. I’ve given the solution of writing about that but it didn’t get through.

Finally, I’m done. I’m patient but if you don’t want me to stop the bleeding I’ll take my staple gun and go home.

“I’d like to see you do it!”

“Do what?”

“Write a song!”

I remind him that I have, sometimes many in a day.

“Yeah, that was years ago.”

True.

“You couldn’t do it now.”

Now wait just a puss popping minute here. Let me get this straight, I can’t write words in a rhythmic pattern?

“It’s not as easy as it sounds. I’d like to see you do it.”

What was that? A challenge? Oh, I love a good challenge.

“Come back in a week and I’ll have an albums worth.”

“No way. There’s no way you can do it.”

“See ya in a week.”

I shuffle him off and my first thought is,

“Why the fuck do I do this shit to myself?”

I went home and grabbed a note pad and did nothing. I’m just sitting there blank as a fart.

Until.

A tune on TV not only gave me a full song (#10) but a topic, neighborhood bars and the people who inhabit those places.

I pounded out a lyric a day until Thursday which left me three to do. I knew I needed one about the bartender and I had an idea for another but that still left me one to fill an albums worth.

What to do, what to do.

Aha! Cheat.

A few years ago my girlfriend and I were out at a bar and saw someone who gave me the idea for a song (#7). Now I’d just have to find it.

Good thing I have people who save my shit, eh?

On Friday, a week after seeing him, I emailed him the twelve songs. A few hours later I get an email from him.

You’d expect something along the lines of, “Damn! I can’t believe you pulled it off.” or “Yeah, well, that’s you! I’m more of a communicator! A deep thinker. You know, not a dork.”

Instead I will paste his response right here:

“Fuck you, asshole!”

I’m so well understood.

So, because I have nothing else to do with them (I don’t write music) I figure I’ll let you hum your own tune to the non-existent CD I’m calling, “Neighborhood Bar” from the band, Naked At Fred’s House.

Remember, I never said they had to communicate (be good) I just said I could write them (talk).

1. Neighborhood Bar

Wherever you go in this universe
There’s one thing that’s sure
No matter what type of neighborhood
You’ll find a place with a hefty pour

No matter what the dress code
Or the conversation matter
Whether Ave. or street or access road
There’ll be a spot to pour some down

Your neighborhood bar
Whether teak or tweak
So refine or knotty pine
It’s your neighborhood bar

So many similarities
in every single difference
Everywhere you are
There’ll be a place to swear allegiance

I’ve been way deep in Texas
And Berkeley Springs West Virginia
And as far as this old sot can tell
It’s all wrapped up in a nexus

Your neighborhood bar
Whether past it’s peak
Or owned by a sheik
It’s your neighborhood bar

I’ve been in the thorn of the bible belt
Where Sir Mix-A-Lot ruled the roost
And heard songs of the Southland
In Manhattan over Proust

There’s only one thing that makes it home
It’s not just that you’re never alone
You’ll get one more cause you don’t have to roam
It may not be perfect, it’s just a joint of your own

Your neighborhood bar
Whether bleak or chic
There any day of the week
It’s your neighborhood bar

Last call for the high life
Get of your throne you kings of beer
Time to get home to your suffering wives
I’ll see you tomorrow, no you can’t stay here

2. People Who Drink (To People Who Died)

Ellen drinking scotch it was twelve years old
Felt no remorse though it was mine
Marzee was in heaven when she pulled the plug
On twenty six buds and a bottle of wine
Freddy likes Stolichnaya, if truth be told
Acted like he was five when he drank
He’s a friend of mine

Those are people who drink, drink
Those are people who drink, drink
Those are people who drink, drink
Those are people who drink, drink
They are all my friends, and they drink

E-Wong and Meri felt their gimlets were boring
So they came up with a plan and they changed to Manhattans
Mike and cutty sark and a snifter before bed
Bobby drinks his neat cuervo every night just like he said
They are two more friends of mine
Two more friends that drink

Those are people who drink, drink
Those are people who drink, drink
Those are people who drink, drink
Those are people who drink, drink
They are all my friends, and they drink

Mimi sipped her brandy from a crystal shoe
Marie was hung up on that tullamore dew
Laura spent her evenings sipping night train
Richie drink so much he came around sane
And Richie, you drink more than all the others,
I salute you my brother

Those are people who drink, drink
Those are people who drink, drink
Those are people who drink, drink
Those are people who drink, drink
They are all my friends, and they drink

Scooter gave Davy some coors for a goof
Davy poured this swill from the schoolyard roof
Then Scooter gave Davy something with more proof
“Hey,” Scooter said, “Davy, you like rye?”
But Davy hated rye . . . Davy sank

Those are people who drink, drink
Those are people who drink, drink
Those are people who drink, drink
Those are people who drink, drink
They are all my friends, and they drink

Robin got wasted on a case of Pabst
He took that crap ’cause it was left all alone
He said, hey, I know it’s putrid swill,
but it sure beats Keystone
But the next day when I called
The best he could do was groan

Those are people who drink, drink
Those are people who drink, drink
Those are people who drink, drink
Those are people who drink, drink
They are all my friends, and they drink

Those are people who drink, drink
Those are people who drink, drink
Those are people who drink, drink
Those are people who drink, drink
They are all my friends, and they drink

3. Dead Guy On The Toilet

In a scummy little bar
On a crummy Friday night
But the beer is going down
So time was near to go

Walking past a pool game
The cue ball blasts the rack.
I slip on by unnoticed
Until my cry hit the air.

I just gotta take a piss
But there ain’t no way to miss
The guy on his way to rigor
How in the world could I figure

There’d be a dead guy, dead guy
Dead guy on the toilet.
Hard to expect a dead guy, dead guy
Dead guy on the seat.

He’s already gone
I still gotta go.
Can someone please get
This stinking ass dead git?

Pool guys came to see.
Their eyes bugging wide.
Huddling at the men’s room door
Not caring a whit when it’ll be free.

There’s a dead guy on the toilet
And I really have to go.
There’s a dead guy on the toilet
And my piss has gotta flow.

The ladies rooms occupado
Some chick is birthing twins
Can someone please just ask her
If there’s a sink I can go in?

There’s a dead guy on the toilet
and he’s getting in my way
There’s a dead guy on the toilet
What a shitty end to the day.

Call the paramedics.
Call the damn police.
Call the undertaker.
Haul this guy away.

Yeah, the dead guy, dead guy
Dead guy on the toilet.
Move the dead guy, dead guy
Dead guy from the seat.

He should be long gone
But I still gotta go.
Can someone please get
This stinking ass dead git?

Motorcycles rev up.
A couple people toss up.
I had to ask someone what’s up?
Am I gonna have to piss in a cup?

The bartender dialed nine one one.
I smiled when her task was done.
She told me she wasn’t having fun
She couldn’t believe what he’d done.

She asked me for a favor
Something little she couldn’t do.
Could I go through the dead guy’s pockets
He’s stiffed her on a tip or two.

I said there’s a dead guy on the toilet
And I gotta take a piss
But there’s a dead guy on the toilet
Who’s cock blocking me on this.

He’s a dead guy, dead guy
Dead guy on the toilet.
He’s lucky he’s a dead guy,
Dead guy dead guy on the toilet
And not a live pissy pant guy like me.

4. Shit Happens Cafe

Just another wonder day in the shit happens cafe
Where the vomit cleaned up wasn’t bloody. . .much
Just another work-a-day life, another whirl around the fucked up world
Where you slam it through to get to that liquid highlight avenue

The hole around the corner is a dive of some magnitude
Where no one knows my name that’s the way I like it too
I don’t wanna get too friendly but don’t wanna be too cross
I smile at the regular faces the haggard features of the creatures

I was glad this day it was empty which is my dream if truth be told
Ain’t it sad when lofty dreams are boxed up and growing mold?
The morning crowds passed out, evening crowd ain’t been bailed out
When I raised a sip of my ice cold beer one of the creatures appears

Her face looked as if better days decided to go along it’s way
A life time full of shitty times in her going down shit faced life
She looked around hoping to see anybody but a guy like me
She rolled her eyes ’cause I was better than nothing at all

Another beat down neighborhood with a dank and dreary bar
Filled with the usual denizens of a darker slip down life

Imagine my surprise when she order me a brew
Trust me, in this place, that’s quite a coup
She sidled up behind me and started right in
Didn’t ask me how or why or how I’d been

I’m sure she didn’t know my name
And that’s just fine, everything being the same
I know we’d never spoken, a nod or two a time
Her voice was broken and way past it’s prime

She told me he was always an asshole
And in life bullshit takes it’s toll
I listened with nary a glance or off hand remark
Her hands moved in vapor trails, eyes dead as sharks

Whatever she said was sordid, if I did understand
This wasn’t what I wanted, hardly what I’d planned
The telephone’s ring moved her way more than it should
She jumped right up and smiled like she understood

She told the bartender to tell ’em she’d be right there
Said there’s nice people she’d like not to hurt in here
Then asked to watch her bag while she powdered up her face
As much as I thought better of it, I said I’d stay in place

She laughed real loud when she came out
Blue lights flashing proved there was no doubt
Came over and smiled at me one more time
“Told him that I’d do it, I’d perpetrate this crime.”

She said that as I watched her reach deep within her bag
“I told him I’d do it if told me that my titties sagged.
Told him I’d cut it and use it for a straw.”
I watched as she placed it in a state of awe

“That fucker didn’t believe me. Thinks he believes me now?”
I told her that I was sure, yes ma’am, and how.
She thanked me for my time, said she wished she was my chick
I smiled as she walked out watching that penis swizzle stick.

5. Pissues

You know life’s getting tough
When getting cock blocked
Gets a whole new meaning
The days of some dirt bag getting in you way
That’d be so wrong now and not just because
Homie don’t swing that way

You may think getting blocked from a hottie
Is the worst canceled party in your pants
But you don’t know so I’m telling you do
It’ll only get worse when you can’t go to pottie

There’s a crinkle in my tinkle
A blunder in my bladder
My flows a no go
And it’s starting to really matter

I got pissues
Trouble with my urinary tract
I got pissues
Would love to have my old piss stream back

There was a time not so very long ago
When I’d stand right up and let it go
Some days I would go for so long I’d be
Writing love sonnets in the wintry snow
Now I couldn’t do a semi colon
Even if you offered me loads of dough

Now I stand for a couple a hours
Dribbling out a CC or two
Telling them when there’s a knock on the door
I’m just trying to piss I am not a senator

There’s a crinkle in my tinkle
A blunder in my bladder
My flows a no go
And it’s starting to really matter

I got pissues
And it ain’t that much fun
I got pissues
You better not laugh at me, son

What used to be laissez faire
Is filled with dread, I wanna hide my head
I’ve mapped out every rest room
From Boise on east up to Bombay
You may think I’m overreacting but you don’t know fear
Until you have to take a piss in a grocery store

Zevon told us that his shit’s fucked up
Well, my shit’s pretty fucked up too
But if what I heard about Warren is true
Right to the end his cock could doodle-do

There’s a crinkle in my tinkle
A blunder in my bladder
My flows a no go
And it’s starting to really matter

I got pissues
Where’m I gonna go?
I got pissues
I always have to know

I went to see a doctor
‘Cause I was starting to get concerned
He told me it was natural
It was just time for my turn
When I asked if there were alternatives
This medical genius turned and said, ‘Depends.’

I’m hoping for a eureka
To flow from my urethra
A healthy stream of urine
So it sounds like it’s pouring

There’s a crinkle in my tinkle
A blunder in my bladder
My flows a no go
And it’s starting to really matter

I got pissues
It’s giving me the blues
I got pissues
I’m telling you it’s true

I woke last night from a dead deep sleep
It happens a dozen times a night
But this time I was slow on get up
So the result I’m sure you know

I got pissues
A crinkle in my tinkle
I got pissues
Blunder in my bladder
I got pissues
And now I have to go

There was another chorus
Another line or two
But if you’ve been paying attention this far
You know I have to go

6. Corner Bar Star

A new bar opening in my neighborhood
‘Course this was back a decade or two
It was shiny and new back then
The seats were cushy and the bar burn free

Every once in a while I’d see a chum from school
Good thing they recognized me I never woulda them
Not that I was stuck up it’s just that wasn’t me
I had a path that I’d try to set me free

Every time I’d go there they’d always bring up her
A girl I knew from back then when I lived back there
I never do answer the rumors they heard
Or the way things often are misunderstood

I knew her back when
She was a model when
She was a thespian when
She was a dancer when
Days and decades passed when
I’d often wonder if she became that star

I’d sit there and be told of the good times
When we were the best of friends
Truth be told I didn’t know them now
Any better than I did back then

But I smiled and let them go
Memories glow better without light
Especially ones about the girl most likely
To be a star, go far, never be seen in this corner bar

I knew her back when
She was a model when
She was a thespian when
She was a dancer when
Days and decades passed when
I’d often wonder if she became that star

Like I said, the decades passed
And things changed further still
I happened past that corner bar
Surprised that it stood still

I didn’t know the bartender
Or the guys battened to their seats
But one or two remembered me
And could wait to pass on news

They said she was a regular
That girl we used to know
They said she was still beautiful
That girl who had to go

I knew her back when
She was a model when
She was a thespian when
She was a dancer when
Days and decades passed when
She became the corner bar star

Maybe I should have stayed
Talked, had a drink or two
They told me she was coming
She’d be thrilled to see me again

If I knew but I’m pressed for time
Tell her I said hey, that I’ll stop in again
But it’s not likely because, from what I see
Sometimes it’s best to keep it real when

She was a model then
She was a thespian then
She was a dancer then
Days and decades passed then
She became the corner bar star

7. Axe Murdering Drag Queen

It all started back on that fateful day
When he got a funny feeling on the docks of Thunder Bay
It’s when the old locals began to say
No doubt this boy’s one hundred percent – having a fateful day

He ran right on home, tears flowing from his eyes
The rouge on his cheeks like his mind in distress
He made his grand entrance to his families surprise
An axe over his shoulders, his dress quite a mess

Axe murdering drag queen
There’s a psycho on the scene
Axe murdering drag queen
He’ll cut you in half while you scream

When he woke up much later he saw what he’d done
He picked up the pieces he’d hacked in a sack
He knew now he’d never be their favorite son
So he jumped the next jitney to Hackensack

He worked on his style with those of night
A little mascara, his boots made of leather
Always so confident he always was right
Made that PETA bitch cry who spoke high of pleather

Axe murdering drag queen
There’s a psycho on the scene
Axe murdering drag queen
He’ll cut you in half while you scream

He chopped up another when he turned twenty one
A wanna be rival with a plan of attack
Whose heels snapped off when attempting to run
He cowered there pleading, he’d take it all back

He laughed at his rival and swung with his might
One well placed stoke and he wasn’t so together
Not much of a struggle, not much of a sight
As blood spilled over his lucky peacock feather

Axe murdering drag queen
There’s a psycho on the scene
Axe murdering drag queen
He’ll cut you in half while you scream

Axe murdering drag queen
Still voguing on the scene
Axe murdering drag queen
Swinging with him’s such a scream

Axe murdering drag queen
It started back in Thunder Bay
Axe murdering drag queen
No doubt this boy’s one hundred percent – having a fateful day

8. Ironic Fedora

I was traveling for business, away a night or two
Stopped off at a corner bar, as I often do
The joint was filled with locals who paid no never mind
They went about their own damn biz, swinging to their own damn song

It wasn’t long till she found me, they always have to know
How come I was hanging round, they inevitably want to know
I told her I was doing business, just a short run through
She said this town’ll change you even on a short run through

She had cotton candy hair and bon bon eyes
Said she hailed from French Lick
That’s back in Indiana
Said her name was Bessie and killed two guys in Jersey

She said the first one had it coming
She didn’t like him right on sight
But there was something ’bout the other
That boy seemed to be all right

First guy was a hipster, something she never liked
Bebopping to that smug attitude
Making himself a little too self aware
That boy carried no substance at all

That guy, she said, he had no chin
And not even a drop of chagrin
It was an esoteric thing with him
Taking on the latest cause with a whim

He wore these jeans with buttons
That didn’t button anywhere
She said that really bothered to her
Buttons oughta button somewhere

Then there was his chapeau
And that’s when she knew he had to go
It was his ironic fedora that pushed her to the edge
That ironic little fedora and she knew he had to go

After a drink or thirty two
I think I asked about murder two
What was it he did or didn’t do
To make her sure he was through

You can imagine my surprise
Blinking through blood shot eyes
To see that I’m now laying
Next to that bloody fedora. . .ironic

Before I blacked out, I was sure for the last time
I asked her why she did it, why she felt it was my time
She said I was a gentleman, laughed at all her jokes
She said I was good company and quite a bit agreeable

But there was something in my countenance
A little swagger in my step
I begged her pardon a moment or two
I wanted to tell her that my hips had screws

She killed two guys in Jersey
Guys she said she saw through
One was the ironic fedora
The other’s the reason this song is through.

9. Past

Her words rang absurd
A bygone era
Of the come on art
A long lost error of time

Her words seemed to pulse
With a life all their own
She was famous, she was regal
She was never forgot

You can tell she was someone truly sublime
Who never released those days of her prime
She remembers everything that time forgot
Ignoring the ravages it has wrought

I looked into her eyes
And saw her dancing there
Passionate and free
A touch devil may care

She told me she had tons of friends
And, of course, gentlemen callers
She reveled in the attention
And gave in to it’s ascension

She was once feted as the queen of it all
But as the parties shuttered fewer did call
She remembers everything that time forgot
Ignoring the ravages it has wrought

In a different time
Much different a place
I’m sure she was something
The queen of this face

Lift her up on the count of three
She lived with a style and grace
We can’t let the queen die
In this seedy, run down place

Feted by the famous, admired by the crowd
No one else was with her for her final bow
She now forgets what time forgot
Ending the ravages it has wrought

10. I Killed A Girl

Another awesome Friday night
Turned into another morning mess
But the only thought I was having was
Who the hell belongs to this dress?

I can be quite sure that I got drunk
I’m not so sure if my pink got sunk
Or something a little off kilter
Coulda been spilt on or in her

I killed a girl
Not sure how
But quite sure
I killed a girl

I know she was there for the sixteenth shot
But I’m not so sure what the Cuervo brought
Can’t be sure what I thought after that
Coulda been mayhem coulda been hackey sack

The only thing I’m sure of
What I can truly confess
That she was quite the looker
But now my rugs a mess

I killed a girl
Nothing else could be
I killed a girl
Guess I’ll go and see

Walking past the doorway
Didn’t know what I’d see
Expected kidney’s in the pantry
Spleens in the kitchen sink

There was blood along the threshold
Which I followed, thoughts gone wild
I’ll be honest with you folks
That’s just part a what had me reeling

I was thinking about prison
And how I wouldn’t fit there
But it looked like it’d be impossible
To keep my asshole rare

Cause I’m sure
I killed a girl
Gotta get to Ecuador
Cause I killed a girl

Didn’t want to
Didn’t mean to
Wonder if she’s blue?
How’s the weather in Peru?

Creeping through the living room
That’s when I finally knew
It could have been bad
It could have been worse
The actual honest story is
It was just her fucking curse

I fucked a girl
Bleeding the whole time
I fucked a girl
Which suits my ass just fine

11. Warren Said

The indifference of heaven
Is like an air conditioner hum
Another sacrificial lamb
Until you’re statue numb

We’ve got to get out
Got to change up our game
We’ve got to get out
Even if the place is the same

You be my French inhaler
I’ll be your excitable boy
You be Suzy Lightening
I’ll be your envoy

We’ll pretend it’s the Vieux Carre
Maybe the Rainbow Bar
We’ve got to stand in the fire
For one last chance to know ourselves

The mornings have been ugly
Evenings ain’t that pretty at all
Let nothing come between us and
Our tenderness on the block

You be my Carmelita
I’ll be your hula hula boy
You be my Jeannie
I’ll be your Roland

We’re accidental martyr’s
In our house of disorder
Why look for the next best thing
When it’s never too late for love

It could be the same basket case
But we could be in Veracruz
Spend our night in the switching yard
Because no ones in love this year except you and I

You be my Ramona
I’ll be Frank and Jesse James
You be my volunteer
I’ll be your worrier king

You be my French inhaler
I’ll be your excitable boy
You be Suzy Lightening
I’ll be your envoy

12. Bartender
NOTE: Male

I’m your bartender
Your doctor, your nurse
Sometimes you love me
Others I’m your curse

I see everything
And hear even more
If you get bitchy
I’ll show you the door

This isn’t fun, it isn’t play
Eight hours every fucking day
You can go but I gotta stay
It’s the way I bring home my pay

NOTE: Female

I’m your bartender
So I size you up
Open some buttons
You’ll fill my tip cup

You can hit on me
I’ve heard it before
No, I won’t date you
I’m just here to pour

This isn’t fun, it isn’t play
Checking out my ass is okay
Don’t get handsy and you can stay
My tits are here to get me paid

NOTE: Duet

I’m your bartender
I’ll pour you a shot
And dollar draft beer
Till your liver rots

I’m your bartender
I thought you should know
The truth is that I
Can’t wait till you go

NOTE: Female
Don’t stare at my tits
NOTE: Male
I think you’re a twit
NOTE: Female
I’m here for your tips
NOTE: Male
You fucking ass shit

NOTE: Duet
This isn’t fun, it isn’t play
Be good to us we’ll let you stay
We’re only here to make out pay
Trust us, it’s gonna stay that way

Give me your money
I’ll get you another
Your to go beverage
We call your Duh – Rink

I’m your bartender
Of that there’s no doubt
We’re ready to close
So fucking get out

NOTE: Everything stops as if unplugged. After a couple beats of silence:

NOTE: Male
Seriously, get out.
NOTE: Female
Right now you drunken bastards!

Hey look! We even have a cover idea from someone who asked not to be named!

Cold Call

A salesguy comes in pimping membership to a shopping club. I tell him I’m not interested. He hears that I can be convinced. He, for lack of a better term, is a moron. He touts the benefits including cheaper gas. I tell him, in the same words as before, I’m not interested.

“Don’t you gas up your car?” He asks.

“No.” I respond.

“Then how do you get around?” He queries.

“Private limousine.” I answer. “How do you get around?” I question flummoxed.

Not only. . .

. . .do they fight foo they also fight bigotry!

Interruption

I know for a fact I’ve never interrupted a conversation others are having. I don’t know why people think this is acceptable behavior. I also don’t know why people think it’s acceptable to do to me. But, for whatever reason, they seem to.

Which, to me, means I’m then allowed to say whatever the fuck I want.

A friend and I are talking smack. All in jest. Just hanging out shooting the shit as my friends and I often do. We’re not loud, bothersome to anyone, there’s nary a fuck between us when a pentecostal christian (as she ID’d herself the moment she sidled up to us) approaches to say,

“The lord says the tongue is the most unruly part of the body.” We look at her for a second before I say,

“Obviously he’s never had diarrhea.”

PSA

I was asked to submit a :30 second PSA on drunk driving. Not being told which side to pick, I chose one and took my rip.

MAN in bar drinking. PEOPLE laughing. Clinking glasses. Pounding shots.

MAN gets up wobbly. MAN waves off PEOPLE asking if he’s okay, MAN picks up keys, exits.

MAN gets in car, starts car, squeals backward out of parking lot.

Vehicle swerving down the street.

BABY BIRD falls out of a nest.

Vehicle heads straight for helpless BABY BIRD.

Vehicle swerves around BABY BIRD.

MAN passes BABY BIRD, swings door open, grabs BABY BIRD, tosses BABY BIRD up into the nest.

MOTHER BIRD chirps happily as BABY BIRD lands safely.

Vehicle continues swerving down street.

A ball bounces into street.

KID chasing it.

Vehicle heads straight for ball.

Vehicle spins one hundred and eighty degrees hitting the ball with bumper.

Ball flies into grateful KIDS hands. KID smiles and waves at MAN.

Vehicle takes a corner wide.

Police car begins chasing vehicle.

Vehicle speeds up.

Police car speeds up.

Vehicle takes impossible turn down a tree lined street.

Vehicle takes impossible turn into a drive way that hides vehicle behind high bushes.

Police car takes corner, continues down the street.

MAN gets out of vehicle, tosses keys in air, catches keys, smiles at camera and winks.

V/O & BUMPER: Drunk Driving! Practice makes perfect!

FADE TO BLACK

I bet you’re going to be just as surprised as me to find out I just got the most personally insulting rejection letter of all time.

‎”So, what nationality are you?”

A guy is continuing a blinding amount of small talk. Small talk, not my favorite thing, as you may have figured. And I’m not going to be Larry David and try to elevate it to medium talk. I’m going to push the mute button on that elevator.

He asks what nationality I am. I’ve always found that a weird question. So I answer with,

“It’s kinda weird,” I begin. “My Mother was Irish and Scottish and my father was a rapist.”