If I were. . .

. . .to open a pharmacy I’d name it Gateway Drugs.

Orange

You can’t rhyme orange.
Even though range is in it.
So just fuck that bitch!

I was attempting. . .

. . .to explain a not very difficult piece of legalese to a person. The problem was they didn’t seem to grasp it. I don’t know if the words I used were too large. I didn’t think they were but they had to be used in this situation exactly for legal reasons.

After frustrating the person a couple of times, comfortable that I covered my legal ass in my attempt, I tried to render this simplistic set of doctrine into an even simpler form.

Then simpler even still.

Finally, because, even I, who can digest utter disdain into a glance, could prune no further, I had to give up.

“I’m sorry but, if what we’ve just covered cannot suitably explain this legal document, I cannot allow you to sign it.”

It’s that simple. If you do not understand me during a legal proceeding, for whatever reason, I, in all good conscience, cannot allow you to proceed.

“Are you insulting me?” I’m asked.

“Not at all,” I explain. “If I were going to insult you I’d be sure to use words you would definitely understand.”

Opinions Vary

A big loud woman was being her description as she kept repeating,

“Guys are scared of me! Guys are scared of me!” She made her way to me and repeated her mantra. I looked at her for a second, smiled then said,

“I beg to differ. Guys are repelled by you.”

How quickly things change

Someone came up to me yesterday when I was running around work and said,

“You should smile.”

You should bleed from back lesions, I thought.

“Why such a bad mood?”

Until he said it I didn’t even know I was in a bad mood. Just going about my day not having a thought in my head about damaging a fellow human. But that quickly changed.

“It’s been a tough day. Our gerbil died.”

It’s a fucking gerbil we don’t even own but this guy reacted as if it was a true tragedy.

“It was his own fault. He choked out during auto-erotic asphyxiation.”

It just goes to show, people can get in a bad mood at the drop of a hat.