Monthly Archives: February 2011

The view is nice. . .

. . .but I wouldn’t want to have to move a couch up these stairs.

These three little words. . .

. . .open up the gates of hell:

“Here’s the story.”

Listen to English from around the world

Smile! You’re on asscam!


What’s that old joke about where you can find sympathy?

Cause I’m pretty sure it’s not going to be between Chris and Zell.

A guy I know is complaining because his wife (a wife, I will mention, he would bitch about every time I’d see him) left him. Can you believe it? She left this grunting, bitching, simp of a man. I’m not even making fun of him. The longest continuous sentence I’ve ever heard him utter had six words in it and three of them were ‘umm’ ‘ah’ and ‘like’.

There’s nothing unique about his diatribe. We’ve all had to bear with someone like this. He’s not a friend, just someone who would be considered an acquaintance if you gave even the slightest shit about the outcome of his drop down life.

The thing about guys like this is, sooner than later, a flip will switch and he’ll bring on the bluster. He’ll start ranting that this is the best thing that’s happened since that, ah, time he, urr, found that, like, thing he, umm, was psyched to find!

He’s gonna get the babes! He’s gonna get the chicks! He’s gonna get all the strange that’s just been waiting for him since the day he started wasting his life. AKA, wedding day.

“Yeah,” I say noncommittally. “I bet you’re going to be getting a ton of that hot none on none action.”

Did You Forget Valentine’s Day?

Don’t worry, got you covered!

Night Landing In LA

Think Differently

A guy I don’t actually find all that engaging or bright said,

“I can’t wait to see you! It’ll be great to talk to someone who’s my intellectual equal.”

Although proposed as a complement, to my ears, it was sort of insulting.

But that’s sort of how all my days go. People say off-kilter or banal things to me all day and, proving that the guy who is my equal may be right, I react in fairly insipid and idiotic ways.

A friend calls from LA and, in the middle of a go nowhere but lengthy conversation, he asks,

“How’s the weather?”

“Partly cloudy with a chance of morons.”

Yes, my peeps!

Contractor of the Year

A blustery guy was trying to impress me with his brilliance but he seemed to mangle his statements. I’m not exactly sure what he was saying but everything sort of came out sounding like,

“It’s like having a furnace on your roof. It ain’t gonna stop the cows from shitting.”

Although that is a fact I’m not sure it’s approved for human thought.

Out of nowhere he says,

“And I should know. I was contractor of the year, you know.”

As a matter of fact, I did not know that. But, I could tell he was willing to wait all day for me to praise him for that designation. And you know me, I’m a giver!

“Wow. That’s impressive. So, how many STDs did you get?”

Why do they ask?

A guy, after telling me of his travails of late, asked me what I’ve been up to. He story went on so long and was so repetitive that, as often happens with me, I went on autopilot and my head went wherever dangerous landscape it wanders to.

“Yeah, things have sucked for me lately, too.” I say. “I lost a ton of money on this web site.”

“Really?” He feigns interest. “What kind of web site?”


“Oh, yeah, that would be tough. There are so many sites to get it for free.”

“Nah, that wasn’t it. I just underestimated the market for chicks with ticks.”