Despicable Me

I was meeting some friends for a quick holiday how-do-you-do last night at an establishment this rag tag crew often darkens. I was the last one to arrive. People are chatting including a guy who works there. He’s standing to the side of the table and as I approach I hear him say,

“You’d have to be a real low-life to do that.”

“Hey!” I say pulling up to his side. “I’m standing right here!”

He looks at me for a second, not fully imbibed with the frivolity I bring into the room, and says,

“Oh, so you’re the one who stole those Toys For Tots toys?”

Why can’t I make an entrance without conjuring the image of an asshole?

Yes, it’s true, a despicable person broke into a storage container and emptied the contents. Which caused a flurry of news reports which brought about an overabundance of replacement gifts. Alls well that ends well.

But that’s not what popped into my head that moment.

Of course.

“Yeah, but, in my defense,” I begin. “Unlike last year I thought it was a much nicer of me to steal the toys before the kids got them! They didn’t know they were getting anything so the only people I pissed off were do-gooder adults! And who doesn’t like to piss off those fuckers?”

I sit down with him stock-still until someone asks how long he’s known me.

“Obviously too long because I’m not even surprised he said that.”

There ya go!

Another heart-warming holiday tale from your pals at Bound & Gags!


One response to “Despicable Me

  1. It was one of them sketchy Santa dudes! Fuckers!

    That WAS a heart-warming tale. “Why can’t I make an entrance without conjuring the image of an asshole?” That’s the $64000 question, ain’t it? Hilarious!

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