Monthly Archives: December 2010

Medical Advice

A guy I know was giving his kid some medical advice because the kid was whining about some real or imagined (as if it makes a difference to me) ailment. The problem was the kid didn’t like the advice being given. It’s not like he was going Marcus Welby on his ass. The guy’s not a brain surgeon in his own profession so this was pretty rudimentary stuff.

“Wipe your nose.”

“Zip your coat.”

“Ask your fucking mother!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The kid looks at me for help. Wow, I guess the kid really is sick!

“You should listen to your father,” I say. “Although he’s not a doctor he did play one in an after school play date.”

Happy Crimble

The Complete Beatles Christmas Greetings To Their Fans

Despicable Me

I was meeting some friends for a quick holiday how-do-you-do last night at an establishment this rag tag crew often darkens. I was the last one to arrive. People are chatting including a guy who works there. He’s standing to the side of the table and as I approach I hear him say,

“You’d have to be a real low-life to do that.”

“Hey!” I say pulling up to his side. “I’m standing right here!”

He looks at me for a second, not fully imbibed with the frivolity I bring into the room, and says,

“Oh, so you’re the one who stole those Toys For Tots toys?”

Why can’t I make an entrance without conjuring the image of an asshole?

Yes, it’s true, a despicable person broke into a storage container and emptied the contents. Which caused a flurry of news reports which brought about an overabundance of replacement gifts. Alls well that ends well.

But that’s not what popped into my head that moment.

Of course.

“Yeah, but, in my defense,” I begin. “Unlike last year I thought it was a much nicer of me to steal the toys before the kids got them! They didn’t know they were getting anything so the only people I pissed off were do-gooder adults! And who doesn’t like to piss off those fuckers?”

I sit down with him stock-still until someone asks how long he’s known me.

“Obviously too long because I’m not even surprised he said that.”

There ya go!

Another heart-warming holiday tale from your pals at Bound & Gags!

Holiday Madness

I’m sitting in a room where to state it is a madhouse is an insult to the mad and the houses they throw stones toward. For whatever reason I am here (I rarely know why. I tend to add little and usually take away someone’s holiday spirit. Call me The Holiday Spite) I try to do it with as little interaction as humanly possible.

As talented as I am at that (I have the perfect personality for it) it seems this time of the year brings out the ‘golly gee gosh!’ in so many annoying people. It’s not that I’m anti-holiday. I guess it’s more that I’m anti-people-pretending-to-enjoy-the-holiday.

You fuckers can’t fool me! I saw you two days ago screaming at some bitch at a kettle because she was making Jingle Bells ring in your ear for the thirty-seventh time since 8:14 this AM. So don’t be bringing that weak-ass, “I’m infused with the holiday spirit!” shit around me unless it’s in a bottle of vodka.

But, alas, there I am doing my best not to crush the mood of anyone who comes in contact with me. And, fuck you, I do. I don’t tell anyone it’s all bullshit. You pretend to enjoy getting socks and a ‘self-help book’ for the fifth year in a row regardless of the fact that you still have sixteen unopened packages of socks and, no matter how many self-help books you pile on my night stand, the only thing I’m getting out of them is they really can absorb spilled beer.

I’m sitting there allowing all the good wishes people feel obligated to heap upon every random fuck they see. I give a nod there, a wave there, hey? Was that a motherfucking twinkle in my eye? Damn straight it was, Elfie! I got a masters in pretending-to-give-a-shit and I got a bag full of them just waiting to toss into your ruddy cheeks!

During this a guy I know sits down next to me. I like him. Do you know why? He just sat there. Not a cheery greeting, not a ho ho ho, not even a bright and shiny smile. He just sat there. I can tell he’s a little overwhelmed. He’s pretty new at this. His kid looks like he’s at a less than optimal age for full contact boccie. He looks at me, sitting there calmly as all hell breaks loose around me, and, after a beat asks me how I can stay so calm during all this.

I pop open a beer, hand it to him and say,

“Just grin and beer it, kid. That’s the only way to get through.”

Thank you all for encouraging my behavior and keep coming back.

May you all have an awesome holiday season and fantastic new year.

Holiday Music Monday!

Ho, ho. . .

. . .holy shit get these people away from me!

Before I begin, I am not saying which of these groups I find more annoying. They both have their bad points. All I’m saying is, if I had my druthers, I’d druther not to speak with either.

The two groups from which I speak are born again christians and white supremacists. I’m not going to cast a net over them for any ideological (nor comedic which proves I’m being amazingly altruistic this holiday season) reasons. I’m just going to report the proceedings and my response to both in a hopes that, together, we can agree they both suck.

A BAC is enlightening me with the holy of holies. He’s love me to become fully engorged as he, his own personal self, is. I, as anyone who’s spent time listening to me prattle, knows I’m all fucking set.

“I’d love to give this born again thing a shot,” I say after being asked if I’d like to become a BAC along side him and other, allow me to assume here, annoying fuckers. “But I’m sure this time I’d totally rip my mother in two.”

That ends act one.

Later in the day (no joke. This all took place in less than six hours which caused me concern for the rest of my day) a WS (we’ve got to start being a little more open with our supremacists. Don’t you think whites have had the monopoly for long enough?) started giving me his version of holiday spirit. His included a rather, to me, uncomfortable room for blacks and Jews. I nod at him for a moment before saying,

“You know, you people much have really hated Sammy Davis, Jr.”

Needless to say (not that that’s ever stopped me), neither of them felt, after my observations, that’s I’d actually be a viable candidate for inclusion.

Ass Kissing

Someone got in touch with me to do a gratis project for them. I have no trouble with that. It wouldn’t take much time and I could drink while doing it. But then I started to have second thoughts because the person doing the asking started kissing my ass.

Now I’m not much different from others, I like to have my ego stroked from time to time but the moment I feel it moving close to overboard I start to get annoyed. A simple ‘like you stuff’ will do. I don’t need to feel the full weight of your lips upon my ass.

After an unhealthy and, frankly, execrable bout of sucking up I broke in with,

“You know what makes ass kissing so dangerous?” There was a slight pause. “Incontinence.”

Look at me. . .

. . .being all helpful and shit! Do you have a need to give someone your phone number but you really don’t want to? Try this:

If this doesn’t help. . .

. . .you get a basic understanding of music theory, nothing will:

Cup Size Choir.


It’s something people seem to think I do often. I disagree. I think I am taking a proactive approach to being left alone. But, you say tomato I say fuck off, ass ears.

I am attempting to take care of a persons issue. It’s not a difficult issue. But, it does require the attention of the person whose problem it is.

Trouble is, I’m not getting that. From the moment she entered she’s barely had time to look up from texting to even get out what problem it is she wants me to handle.

I ignore this, explain what she needs to do to remedy her problem then ask her a question so I can precisely fix her problem. To which I get this answer,

“Clickety click clackety clack clackclackclack clack click.”

Sensing the problem that forced her to leave her home and drive to me is less important than her texting I decide to give her some alone time so walk away.

“What the fuck are you doing?” I hear a human voice. “Don’t fucking walk away from me! That’s rude, you rude fucking prick.”

Wow! A double rude with a prick chaser! Impressive.

The problem at hand is, all the responses in my head will, undoubtedly, render me unemployable at this, and potentially, most other establishments. I’ll have to wait, be patient, and see if I get an opening that, although maybe not as satisfying, won’t get me canned.

So I walk over to her and say,

“I’m sorry you feel that way. It seemed to me you were engrossed in texting so I figured whatever your issue you needed my help with was of less importance.”

“Of course it’s fucking important! Why else would I fucking come here?”

“To get my advice on your issue which, while you were texting, I offered.”

“Yeah? What was it?”

“I gave you that information and now I must take care of this next customer. Good luck.”

I go to the other customer and, of course, she caused a ruckus and said she’d have my job.

“Here ya go.” I reply handing her the card of my boss. “I’m sure he’ll be excited to see your resume. And, if you get the job, you’ll see just how much fun it is to deal with people like yourself.”