I’m sitting in a room where to state it is a madhouse is an insult to the mad and the houses they throw stones toward. For whatever reason I am here (I rarely know why. I tend to add little and usually take away someone’s holiday spirit. Call me The Holiday Spite) I try to do it with as little interaction as humanly possible.
As talented as I am at that (I have the perfect personality for it) it seems this time of the year brings out the ‘golly gee gosh!’ in so many annoying people. It’s not that I’m anti-holiday. I guess it’s more that I’m anti-people-pretending-to-enjoy-the-holiday.
You fuckers can’t fool me! I saw you two days ago screaming at some bitch at a kettle because she was making Jingle Bells ring in your ear for the thirty-seventh time since 8:14 this AM. So don’t be bringing that weak-ass, “I’m infused with the holiday spirit!” shit around me unless it’s in a bottle of vodka.
But, alas, there I am doing my best not to crush the mood of anyone who comes in contact with me. And, fuck you, I do. I don’t tell anyone it’s all bullshit. You pretend to enjoy getting socks and a ‘self-help book’ for the fifth year in a row regardless of the fact that you still have sixteen unopened packages of socks and, no matter how many self-help books you pile on my night stand, the only thing I’m getting out of them is they really can absorb spilled beer.
I’m sitting there allowing all the good wishes people feel obligated to heap upon every random fuck they see. I give a nod there, a wave there, hey? Was that a motherfucking twinkle in my eye? Damn straight it was, Elfie! I got a masters in pretending-to-give-a-shit and I got a bag full of them just waiting to toss into your ruddy cheeks!
During this a guy I know sits down next to me. I like him. Do you know why? He just sat there. Not a cheery greeting, not a ho ho ho, not even a bright and shiny smile. He just sat there. I can tell he’s a little overwhelmed. He’s pretty new at this. His kid looks like he’s at a less than optimal age for full contact boccie. He looks at me, sitting there calmly as all hell breaks loose around me, and, after a beat asks me how I can stay so calm during all this.
I pop open a beer, hand it to him and say,
“Just grin and beer it, kid. That’s the only way to get through.”
Thank you all for encouraging my behavior and keep coming back.
May you all have an awesome holiday season and fantastic new year.