Monthly Archives: November 2010

It’s beginning to. . .

. . .look a lot like shitmas!

And here I thought the neighbor who uses The Three Stooges as Wise Men was a little weird:

Figurines of defecating world leaders in Catalan nativity scenes.

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What a day!

I went to a bris but ended up very disappointed because, although I was certain it would be available, there wasn’t even one whack-a-moyle game set up.

In the buffet line I was talking to a guy who says, “You know, it’s not easy being me.”

“I’d imagine so,” I responded. “Because it’s not easy being around you.”

A while later a small argument between two people started. This woman was chastising a guy for making fun of some kid (joshing with the kids father who was in the game. Even the kid was laughing). But, this woman had to stand up for decency everywhere.

“You know what they say, if you make fun of someone there’s a likely hood your kid will come down with the same thing.”

She looks at me to side with her so I say, “Yeah! That’s why I only make fun of six foot seven black point guards.”

So, after all that, I decided to stop into a comedy club to close out the day.

I’ve made better decisions.

I know the promoter so he made sure I got up close and personal so, being one of the first to get the comedy, I was pretty much one of the first to be disappointed. The first three acts came and went with tepid response. Not just from me. It was a consensus opinion.

The fourth act was introduced and he went into his hilarious comedy routine. Which is a true and fair statement if you substituted the last three words with painfully unfunny babbling.

Sensing the impending bomb his written and practiced bits are causing he decides to work the crowd.

I’m sure he’s made better decisions.

“Where are you from?” He asks me.

Okay, now I’m sure he’s made better decisions.

Don’t get me wrong, I have no intention of crapping on him. Just the opposite. I don’t want his failure squeezings to get on me.

“Boston.”

“Boston! Huh!” He tries to liven up the proceedings with a false brightness to an answer that cannot be surprising due to the fact we are in Boston. “You having a good time?”

“No.”

I don’t think he should have been as surprised by my answer as he was. I’m sure I spoke for everyone.

“Yeah, well, ah, it’s a tough job, making people laugh. What do you do?”

“I’m a comedy writer.” He pauses for a moment. He’s not sure what to do with that. So I figured, in the spirit of generosity I’d take my own set-up. “Before you leave you should take my card.”

From the why didn’t I think of this file

You Park Like An Asshole

On the first day of Christmas. . .

. . .my kitty gave to me, six facial scars.


Seriously, this would last all of eight seconds in my house before the bloodletting began.

“How’s the wife?”

I’m asked by someone who knows shit about me.

And we all know what happens when that happens.

I make shit up.

“She left me. She got tired of my drinking and lying.”

He said that was too bad.

“Yeah,” I continue. “I’m really going to miss lying.”

Ha! There IS an excuse for me!

“Hi, I’m Chris Zell and I suffer from witzelsucht. And it’s no laughing matter. Well, maybe it is.”

I KNEW they were foul-mouthed!