Not Going To Fit

I was not involved in this situation when it began. I was having a nice little conversation about nothing with a friend. While talking we were both watching this tiny woman fight with this twelve foot pole.

She was attempting to fit it into a vehicle that, to my estimation, was less than twelve feet long. But what really caught my attention was the trouble she was having balancing the pole. It was swinging and swaying like a stop sign in a hurricane. The problem there was she was working the pole from the end when the middle balance point would have been much easier.

After watching this impending doom for awhile we walk over.

“That’s not going to fit the way you want it,” I give her my years of packing experience. After saying that there are only two things you do not want to hear. One is bad,

“It’ll fit.”

And that usually causes me to disengage right then. They must know more than me. But, if, after that sentence, I haven’t already hightailed it to higher grounds, you can bet I do if I hear the follow-up sentence that is worse,

“I’ll make it fit.”

Hearing that, I pull the pin on my grinade and back away smiling because all hope is lost. As I backed away I felt bad because she was really struggling and, her arms not much larger in diameter than the pole, it was swinging wildly not only around her car but the cars of others and innocent passerby’s. I had visions of someone getting skewered. So I gave it one last shot before I beat feet and locked myself in my office.

“Would you like help with that?”

I figured if I took it out of her hands I could save a life.

And who says I don’t care? Oh, yeah, that’s right. Mainly I do.

Perspiration gathering on her face it seems she had no choice but to accept my offer. I take the pole from her, from the middle, and she tells me how she WANTS it to go into the vehicle.

If I didn’t think it was going in before I was dead certain there was no possibility now. She wanted it straight down the middle of the vehicle, making sure it didn’t touch the seats, only the towels, and the hatch much close.

I explained that, and it’s just a possibility, the only way to get it into the vehicle was to angle it (“No!” She cried.) or have it stick out the window (“No!” She wailed).

I tell her, to accomplish that, she will, in fact, need a larger vehicle. I tell her as she yanks the pole back because it is that obvious that I cannot be party to this. I pull the pin, toss, slather on a grin and slink away.

She, frustration bursting, lifts the pole, pulls it back, and thrusts the twelve foot pole straight down the middle of her ten foot vehicle.

“Now what are you going to do?” She says.


Yes, me.

The man well over twelve feet away and still gathering ground eyes locked on the eighteen inches of pole sticking dead straight through the windshield.

I remind her that, from the start, I doubted her concept and she pulled the pole from me after that pronouncement. I didn’t bother mentioning that I wished I’d been walking away with a video camera. I think that would have just been mean.

She ranted for a while trying to implicate me in the impaling but saw that, mainly due to my now being fifty feet away, her words were falling on deaf ears.

I used my considerable skills at rage management to get her breathing down from it’s hummingbird wing speed. When she’s resigned herself to the fact that there is not much any of us standing there (some, I’ll admit, stiffing – some not very successfully – chuckles) could do.

“On the bright side,” I say not being able to leave well enough alone. “You’ll now be able to close the hatch.”


8 responses to “Not Going To Fit

  1. ROFL It doesn’t really get better than that story.

  2. it’s always nice to know there’s someone dumber than me walking around

  3. Open the pod bay doors, Hal!!!!

  4. How do you always seem to be in the right place at the right time ? And, know just the right kicker ? As, the J. Geils Band once sang in reference to this described future event (at the time): “Serves You Right To Suffer” !

  5. Harv! You of all people shouldn’t have to ask that. You’ve spent enough time in my office to have first hand experience proving it’s ground zero for idiocy.

  6. Who needs a 12′ pole?
    A guy like the Seth Rogan character in “Armed and Dangerous?” Just wanting to be a fireman instead of a policeman.
    Or this lady getting ready for homeschooling her young, but not so bright daughter….getting her ready for a life on stage.

  7. automobile shishkebob

  8. You could have bent the pole in half, left her hand in the middle of it, everything would have fit. Thus with the other arm + hand free she could have driven off into the sunset. Or get her 2 6′ poles along with a coupler, problem solved.

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