I’m at a party. . .

. . .as an actual invited guest.

Can you believe it?

And I’m being nice.

I know! Unprecedented!

I’m sitting there sipping a beverage, doing the everyday, normal party scene. But there’s something unbalanced in the air. Have you ever had the feeling that someone dislikes to you? You’ve done nothing to them, they don’t know you, you haven’t spoken to them but you can sense it.

That’s what was going on here. There was this guy who gave off a vibe that told me I was not going onto his Christmas card list. To top that off, he was a priest.

I guess they CAN sense evil.

For whatever reason the hostess brings the guy over. I stand and offer my hand which he surveyed as if it was holding a subpoena. I stand in silence for a moment. After my ‘nice to meet you’ lie I have nowhere to go so sit back down.

My ass hits the seat when he asks if I am a catholic. I say I was raised catholic but the nicest thing you could say about me is I’m lapsed. I have about sixteen other not as nice things to call me but, not wanting to converse, let’s stick there.

Unfortunately, that’s wasn’t his thinking. He starts in so abruptly the hostess was shaken back. During a lull in his attack she leans in and tries to explain his behavior by telling me he’s ‘in his cups.’ I wonder what the penance is for punching a drunk priest? Two Hail Mary’s and a night of bingo calling?

A couple of guys come over and try to redirect him but he goes on that it’s people like me who’ve ‘turned their back on the church’ (there are many things I’d do to the catholic church but turn my back on it isn’t one of them) that’s lead to this moral collapse.

All that was fine. Then he got personal. But, again, I let it slide. Not out of respect for the uniform but for the dumbstruck hostess. He’s running out of steam so the two guys being leading him to the door but can’t help but get one last shot in,

“When you are in hell you will remember my words.” He spun dramatically to give his final words flourish and began descending the staircase.

I actually feel a little bad for him. He really thinks I’m an asshole. Maybe I should do something nice for him. A little something so he doesn’t question his judgement. Being a good guy, almost saintly, really. So I call out to him,

“Yeah, you’d better go. Those kids aren’t going to molest themselves.”


9 responses to “I’m at a party. . .

  1. Yeah…only Baptist boys molest themselves.

    The whole religion should really take this decade off of criticizing others. I think a backsliding modern Catholic has a better chance of entering the pearly gates than a Catholic in good standing…Jimmy Swaggart falls somewhere in between since he was only counseling the hookers.

  2. Ha that’s right good 🙂

  3. You are going to HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

    How dare you?????????????????

  4. There was a comedian who said he was raised catholic but molested baptist.

    Hey, CM! Let me tell you, if you think I’m going to hell for that you sure as don’t know me! For me that’s considered good behavior. Ask MTAE!

    You don’t know how hard it was for me to sit there and take that fuckwads vitriolic bullshit. He ranted for a good ten minutes. That’s WAY over my patience threshold. Oh, I thought about reacting but figured I’d let cooler heads remedy the situation.

    And, like I said, I was doing him a solid by proving everything he had to say about me was right. If you call me an asshole, I will be an asshole; if you call me nice, I will be nice. It’s all about me making your dreams come true. I’m the Make A Bitch foundation!

    When the two guys came back (they seemed to get back real soon so I was concerned about the guy driving so said, “If he’s driving I hope Jesus is more than his co-pilot.” Turns out he lived close and they dropped him off) at first they asked what I did to rile him. They weren’t going to buy that I was guiltless but the hostess stood up for me.

    When they realized that they chilled so I asked them when he was working next. I said I was going to sit in the back and heckle him.

    “When he starts a prayer I’ll call out, Hail Mary, Mother of God, have that whore get me another beer!”

    I loved their expression. When he was bringing out the wine I’d say, “Save a little for the rest of us, padre!”

    Oh, the fun I could have! They protested so I told them I wouldn’t do that. I’d consider that rude. That calmed them down until I said,

    “But I think going to mass in a Devil costume would be a fucking riot.”

  5. Take your buddy…..


  6. As long as he’s not the driver.

  7. “Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone.”
    Obviously, Mr. Church needs to go back and read his Bible, sans alcoholic stupor.

    I hate hypocrites. I don’t criticize other’s beliefs, and I expect the same respect back. Not everyone has to like me, but a little common courtesy, Please!

    I love your “Make a Bitch” foundation. Are you taking memberships?

    You were wonderfully restrained. Don’t let the bullies – no matter what flavor they are – get you down.

  8. Wowza, some party! And you say that you weren’t wearing your ‘lapsed Catholic’ tee shirt? SOMEBODY must have been gossiping and pointing you out for him to come after you. tsk, tsk.

    It was the full moon. We had an asshole call the cops because our friend asked him to move his precious SUV that was blocking the drive. After smirking and saying he didn’t feel like moving his car and was asked not so politely again, he placed a 911 call; told the cops that he felt threatened blahblahblah. Luckily(?), the fine folk in uniform agreed with our friend and told the idiot to ‘Move your %&# car! Why’d you call us!?’


  9. Brea: I’ll start working on the creation of the MAB Foundation this week!

    Care: Someone could have said something about me, many people there knew me. But it was an entirely unprovoked attack.

    No, I wasn’t wearing my ‘Lapsed Catholic’ shirt. But I was wearing my ‘Touched By A Bishop’ shirt. Think that coulda had something to do with it?

    I, as you already know, am not a big fan of people who have a sense of entitlement. I’m glad the cops sided with you even though I can’t see a reason why they wouldn’t.

    We had a similar situation a couple weeks ago. We have a pretty big yard and, for a long time, the back was used by some neighbors as a dumping ground. I covered finding all kinds of shit here elsewhere.

    Needless to say, it’s clean now. Or it was, Until a kid in back decided to, in his words, ‘help’ and started dumping shit there. Now I know I was seen by him and his family working back there. I was there for quite a often. I even had a conversation with his mother that went something like this, “You’re going to find one of our old lawn mowers in there.”

    This is normal behavior?

    My girlfriend sees the some trash back there so goes to see. Things blow around, no big deal. But, as she’s heading over there she sees the kid dumping trash and his lawn clippings.

    Needless to say, she went ballistic. His response?

    “We’ve been dumping here long before you moved in.”

    She, as first politely, said that was then this is now.

    His response? While she’s saying this? Standing in full view of his actions? Dumps another container of crap and clippings.

    Then there was the argument which caused her to call the cops who told her to go to some department in town hall while he would talk to the kid and make a report in case it happens in the future.

    This isn’t the first entitlement issue we’ve had with neighbors. It truly is rampant in this area. What irritates me most is not the action (people are lazy assholes who will do anything to make things easier no themselves) it’s the attitude,

    “We’ve been living here for fifty years so. . .”

    You know, I’m fully aware of my assholeness. But I’m more like the counter puncher in the world of assholes. You have to provoke me before I attack.

    Am I’m always carrying a bag of ugly.

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