In My Defense. . .

. . .I must say that, and many people who’ve had personal interaction with me would probably agree, I can be pretty patient and reasonable in conversation. Downright helpful some people may say.

But then there are these other times. The times you mostly read about here. It’s when the conversation of others builds and builds until the pressure gets too much and I, for lack of a better phrase, flip the fuck out.

Part of the problem is I’d rather be in silence than have inane words float through the ear. I’m not a suspension of belief sort of guy. It’s most likely the reason I’m not a big fan of science fiction.

No, you won’t change my mind. Yes, friends have locked me in rooms and played Trouble With Tribbles. Explained why some far out concept is plausible. But the best that’s ever happened to me while watching scifi was, in the theater at the first Star Trek, I fell asleep right after the space ship hit hyperspace.

After the movie, when my incredibly pissed off (soon to be ex) friend woke me, I said,

“Cut me some slack! Do you know how hard it was to sleep through all the hooping and hollering you people were doing?”

It’s just me, I know, but it’s difficult for me to bend the laws of reality just to fit a story.

The same is for hypothetical situations. One of the classics is the time machine. As in what would you do if. . .

I’m sitting there while these people tell what they’d do to better the world if they could use a time machine.

I think the only time machine use that works for me is when Biff used it to get a sport almanac from the future to make a fortune betting.

But no one ever does that. They go back in time. They’d kill Hilter. Keep Booth out of Lincoln’s box. Make sure all the book depositories windows were closed.

You know, something humanitarian. Always something selfless. Never selfish like go back in time and not fuck that person who gave you chlamydia.

I guess time machines bring out the best in people.

So there I am listening to this claptrap wishing I could go back in time and decline this invitation when someone asks me what I’d do.

“I’d go back in time and kill Adam and Eve so there would be no possibility of conversations like this ever taking place.”

I figure if you’re going to change history be sure of the consequences.

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4 responses to “In My Defense. . .

  1. You don’t have to KILL ’em.

    Just tell Eve you’ve got something for her mouth that’s even better than forbidden fruit – and won’t get her kicked out of Eden.

    I might be wrong on that last bit, but fuck it, at least you won’t be dragging Adam down along with her this time. (Unless you’re a kinkier bastard than I thought.)

  2. > You don’t have to KILL ‘em.
    Kill joy.

    > Just tell Eve you’ve got something for
    > her mouth that’s even better than
    > forbidden fruit – and won’t get her
    > kicked out of Eden.
    Well, now, there’s a bible chapter I’d like to read.

    But, if you think about it, you’re really only trading one snake for another so I’m sure the big guy would still get a hair across his ass.

    > . . .at least you won’t be dragging Adam
    > down along with her this time.
    Oh sure, but did you ever think that that weak-willed bastard might just deserve it? Because he was lead around like a puppy in a crotch factory we now have man purses and guys with better landscaping than the White House lawn.

  3. I always know these are going to be entertaining when you start it off with the “I’m a nice guy…” racket.

  4. You know me so well, Steve!

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