Today’s Lesson

I guess it’s not good to have your nipper think I’m part of his school work. Yeah, pretty much that’s all I can see with this tale.

It’s happened before, parents bring their school neonate to me to ask questions. Now I don’t mind if you ask me first and it’s something I know about (two things that limit the chances I’ll ever be asked) but it never seems to work out like that.

It’s usually an ambush and way out of my field of expertise. And, for whatever reason (reason: I’m pretty much an asshole), I don’t act in a manner most would consider proper.

Not that I think it’s bad, I never expose the tyke to anything that’ll harm their delicate psyche. It’s just my way of teaching the parent to think their actions all the way through.

“Ask Chris.” The father prodded his squirt. “Go ahead.” The father looks at me and smiles. I do not offer an in kind.

It’s explained to me that the bairn has to ask people who their favorite Indians are. Oh, this should be pretty easy.

“Rocky Colavito.” I respond. Nothing. They’re both blank as a fart. I didn’t even get anything when I offered up Bob Feller.


The urchin begins to tell me what the project is, but I don’t care. He goes on about what he has to accomplish, I care even less. He tells me he’s having trouble because it seems everyone he asks is offering pretty much the same names. Okay, this gets my interest.

“Do you have any?” The anklebiter asks. I smile at him, nod to his father and begin.

“I have three I’ve always admired. There was the warrior Running Fever; Chief Sitting Shiva; and the notable squaw Smells Like Fishes.”

9 responses to “Today’s Lesson

  1. I did like Robbie Alomar, but he wasn’t an Indian until AFTER the spitting incident when he was with the Orioles!

    You should have mentioned Clayton Lonetree, Leonard Pelletier, Russell Means. That would raise some eyebrows when he turns his project in!

  2. Earl, Earl, Earl! Have you learned nothing? If I’m helpful two things happen:

    1) They’ll keep coming back
    2) I don’t have anything to write about

    A lose/lose in my book.

  3. Rocky Colavito could be an Indian name…but I think that might be a bit before your time.

    Robbie Alomar could be renamed “Spits like Llama,” but I still have to acknowledge “Smells like Fishes” as funny. And much more PG-13 than using “tastes.”

  4. Thank you, Steve, for recognizing that I don’t take it as far as I can.

    Well, not always.

    The reason I used Rocky Colavito is because I’ve been watching a show on ESPN Classic from 1960, Home Run Derby, and he was on with Jackie Jensen the day before.

    It’s all about the timing.

  5. But it would be funny to radicalize the kid under the dad’s nose all under the guise of helping him with his project.

    Have him go “native”, so he’ll start spouting Native American and indigenous rights slogans in the class room, that the teacher is full of Euro-centric propaganda designed to destroy traces of native peoples, etc….

    The dad will come home to find Junior coming out of a makeshift sweat lodge with a band of surly Lakota, disavowing his Anglo name….

  6. All valid points, One Who Shuns Injustice. That said, seeing you feel the need, the need to screed, I’ll send the next one right on over to you for a big dose of helperton.

  7. It’d be worth it to see Junior gore his dad with a flaming spear to the chest!

  8. When you put it that way helping sounds like a blast!

  9. You see, they seek you out because it is a well known fact that one can learn much from assholes. They possess certain sphinctral knowledge of which the bairns have great need. 🙂

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