Okay, that may be a little grandiose for what actually took place but there were two startlingly realizations.

1) my girlfriend actually laughed at something I said.

That’s amazing. It’s been said she’s not a fan. That’s putting it mildly. When I spew my life punch lines the usual response is,

“Stop being stupid.”

And I’ve found saying anything close to, “Yeah, bitch! Those stupid words put a roof over your head,” don’t get the same response as when someone like Jamie Kennedy (who, by the way, put together a pretty damn sweet documentary called, Heckler, about hecklers and the state of criticism. Check it out) recites them.

So I don’t bother saying it.

Proving, at least to myself, my stupidity only goes so far. So there!

And the more important one:

2) the females in a mans life believe they are three year olds in a room filled with only electrical outlets and butter knives.

Everything we do is on the precipice of disaster. We get scissors and am reminded not to run. We get a drink and am reminded the mouth is in the front. We start to speak and am asked if our fly is up.

And I take serious umbrage with that. I was a three year old Peak Frean (Peak Freans are a very serious cookie after all).

It wasn’t until years later when sharp, hot, or sticky things should have been pushed to the middle of the table around me.

Those two concepts coalesced in my head when I was getting dressed for an event. Please turn the monitor away from the children for a moment because I must reveal something.

When I am changing for an event, when the process begins, I am ofttimes naked.

Okay, the kids can come back now.

Mommy and Daddy hate you and wish you were a puppy.

Ha! I can’t believe you fell for the old ‘it’s safe for the kids’ trick.

I’m in the bedroom changing. I’m not thinking much about it because I’ve already been told what I’ll be wearing so all I have to make sure is the correct appendage squeezes through the correct hole.

Even I’m good at that.


From the other room, totally blocked to my movements, my girlfriend calls,

“Make sure you don’t walk past the window naked. I don’t want our neighbors to see you naked.”

While the startling concept of men being three year olds in the minds eye of their loved one I say,

“But how am I ever going to make friends?”

With laughter came an epiphany light.


4 responses to “Epiphany

  1. Clearly she knows that your nakedness functions as the world’s strongest magnet.

    For what, I don’t know. But whatever it is, she didn’t want it in her house.

  2. Oh, I see you’re familiar with her quote,

    “When the whole world laughs, Chris must be naked.”

  3. Most of the girls that saw me naked in high school…laughed. At least in my mind…because that was the only place the other gender saw me naked.

    M wife could give heckling lessons to anyone. I don’t think I could get up on stage without doing a set about her. She’d just stand up and say, “You’re not trying materal out material on me, are you?”

  4. You were naked in school? No wonder they were laughing! They were glad they were in your nightmare.

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