I was sitting in a bus minding my own business. As if that alone doesn’t scream ‘fiction’ I assure you, it is not. I was quietly listening to the music that was being shoved into my ear hole and staring blithely into the ether.
Then something moved into my sight line. And it flummoxed me. Not that I hadn’t seen it’s ilk before but I was not usually befuddled when coming across it.
It was ass advertising. Words, phrases, the backside bon mots that are so prevalent in today’s society.
And I don’t like it. You can’t plaster some letters on your posterior and force me to believe it’s gospel. That’s like giving yourself a nickname.
“Hey guys, from here on out I want to be called The Expediter! ‘Cause I always deliver!”
“What if we just called you The Expired? ‘Cause once we beat your head in with this collection of truncheons that’ll have a better chance of sticking.”
But it’s also the distraction. Am I ogling girls or doing flash cards for a spelling bee?
But I’m not thinking about that with what’s happening in front of me. What I’m thinking is,
“Nah! I must be wrong. There’s no fucking way her ass says that.”
But I’ll tell you, until very near the end of my ride, I truly thought her ass read Ample Butt.
So, with that bounding around my skull, this collection of words got stuck.
So many words and phrases
bombard us through the day.
A slick ad here, two flyers there.
They’re virtually everywhere.
But one place should be sacred.
A single place that’s left alone.
You don’t need words on asses
so leave your buttocks alone.
Readin’s for books and obscure foreign movies.
We ain’t here for learnin’ just a quick look.
Nothin’ too long just your ass while it’s movin’.
So do us a favor and leave your buttocks alone.
Girl watchin’s been here since Jesus
was out slaying pterodactyls.
So you know it’s got his blessin’
just like blow jobs and anal sex.
You may think your ass is juicy,
sexy, fierce, or too hot for you
but truth be told it’s a nuisance
distracting attention from you.
Readin’s for books and obscure foreign movies.
We ain’t here for learnin’ just a quick look.
Nothin’ too long just your ass while it’s movin’.
So do us a favor and leave your buttocks alone.
Don’t think I’m being selfish
I’m trying to help you too.
Sometimes your words gets mixed.
It happened to me, it’s true.
She’s bending over, squatting down
So I’m trying to take a peek
but her ass words were confusing
so I stared like a perverted freak.
She was trying to say Apple Butt
but in her folds and indentations
it sure looked like Ample to me.
So heed my words before you strut
make sure your ass is all ad free.
Readin’s for books and obscure foreign movies.
We ain’t here for learnin’ just a quick look.
Nothin’ too long just your ass while it’s movin’.
So do us a favor and leave your buttocks alone.