Have you ever heard someone say something so bewildering you could feel your brain drip down your spinal cord because it realized it’s outlived it’s usefulness?

A guy was telling me about his kid, 17-18, having some trouble. I know I’m different because when I hear that I expect pregnancies, drug use, fighting, boozing, or, and gawd forbid this ever happens in your family, they joined 4-H.

But that’s not what happened here. I’ve met the kid. Just as sullen as any 18 year old. We’ve talked. Normal, good kid. Nothing jumped out at me.

The father tells me after he goes horseback riding (not a rental, not bartered for stall work, owned by him) and drives (in his own brand new vehicle) to his shrink (I almost exploded here. I don’t care how bad your home life. If you have your own horse you don’t get to have a shrink. Pick one! Stay with the horse for fucks sake if you don’t want to go home), he’s not that attentive around the house.

“I think he’s going through a quarter life crisis.”

What the fuck? Seriously. Anyone heard of that? A quarter life crisis? How did I miss that one creeping up?

“Ah,” I say taking a moment to compose myself. “You’d better take a mental mulligan here and start this conversation over.”

I don’t think I’d be able to control myself in a conversation of this ilk. But, no, he presses forward. And he’s quickly stopped.

“Seriously, I can feel my uvula shaking like a speed bag. You better stop before those words break through.”

He begins to say something. I stop him. I look at him for a moment and the damn (well, with me it’s a much more adult word) breaks.

“What the fuck is a quarter life crisis? He’s regressing back to his GI Joe with the kung fu grip days? What’s he going to do? Get a tricked out skateboard and start dating someone wildly inappropriate like Loretta Swit?”

Kid was lucky he wasn’t there to witness this. I’m sure he wouldn’t have survived. Then, just before he expired, he’d bum out thinking about missing his nine year old mid-life crisis.


6 responses to “Crisis

  1. Jesus. 18? That’s maybe a one-fifth-life crisis. And the only crisis you really have at that age is between your legs, isn’t it?

  2. One-fifth? Dude, if his life is so bad at 18 what kind of sniveling prick will he be at 90?

  3. He’ll be jumping off a bridge by 40…or almost finished with gender reassignment.

  4. It doesn’t sound like a kid problem . . . more like a jack-assian parent problem. The kid’s not attentive around home? WTF? I commend you for holding it back as long as you did.

  5. leave home, kid! as soon as you can, as fast as you can, before you wind up eating a slice of the old Glock cake with .45 icing….

  6. I’m with pamajama. Can’t fault the kid for his parents giving him stuff he doesn’t need, and I sort of admire him for having the good sense to distance himself.

    Maybe he’ll really shock his parents and find some way to spend his days that requires dedication and effort on his part.

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