It’s not often I spend the evening with someone who hates me. As far as I know. But this night I know I was in the presence of someone who hated me on sight.
The evening didn’t start like that. I was visited by two friends from the music days. They were passing through town. It was nice to see them and, for some reason, maybe it’s because I hadn’t seen them in a long time, maybe because they’re the ones who usually do the entertaining, but, I started telling a story and just kept going.
We were having fun. We were having laughs. I must have been saving up for this occasion because, about half hour later, I was already planning my next half hour.
Then the door bell rang. It was a friend I’d made plans with and his new girlfriend.
“Get me a beer.” He said upon entering.
“You know where the fridge is, ass ear.” He hates that. He has very fleshy ears. “Get all of us one.”
I’m quickly introduced to his new girlfriend as he walked to the kitchen. I shook her hand and went back to my set.
Although my friends were still enjoying themselves they couldn’t help but notice the distinct air of distaste the new person was having for me and my jokes.
Her date comes back, hands us beers, and I finish my story. I know I’m not going to keep going after this story. The mood is beginning to change.
Now I have three people laughing and one person staring wide-eyed. I’d been told to be on my best behavior because she wasn’t used to people like me and this was her first trip to the big city.
She’d only been to Boston once. On a school trip. She’d spent her entire life in some podunk New Hampshire town. Now why in hell, with all the people he knows down here, would he choose me to hang out with? I’ve never said I had bright friends.
I finished my story, my friends finished their beers and started to leave. One of them asked if I really was going out with those two. Sadly, I said I’d promised. They wished me luck and reminded me not to work blue.
“I’m not going to work at all. I think I talked enough for the evening.”
When they exit we chat with for a while. He’s catching me up on his doings. He tells me about her. All the while she sits there staring straight ahead with her arms crossed.
I tell them we should get a move on. We get in the car and she starts to ask me questions.
“Do you always swear so much?”
“Are those typical stories that you tell?”
“Do you really think those were funny stories?”
And those were the non-insulting questions.
I ‘good behavior’ her but I catch my friends eye in the rear view mirror and he knows I’m going to sticking a can of whoop up his ass in the very near future.
I want to fly under the radar now. Get in, get out. I have to use all my effort to not start ripping this horse-faced, sputtering, hayseed’s nose off and shove up her ass so she could, indeed, sniff that her shit also stinks.
Get in, get out. That’s all I’m looking for. And wouldn’t you know it? It’s this night where I run into everyfuckingone I’ve ever met. Hockey buddies, a tennis student, a musican, friends, neighbors, strangers who were sucked into my vortex. Every few minutes someone would stop by or wave.
“Does everyone know you?”
“Just the cool people.”
“I guess I’m not cool.”
“You’re not even lukewarm.” See? Proof I was on good behavior. My first thought was, “Don’t underestimate yourself. I heard you’re frigid.”
We finish eating and leave.
“Let’s go here!” My friend offers a club we used to go to.
Before they go back to the land of pig fuckers, he wants to show her a real big city night club.
“Well,” I think. “At least it’ll be loud and I won’t have to listen to her.” Always look on the bright side of life!
We get to the club and there’s a line and a cover. I go up to the doorman and he lets us in. I’ve known him for years.
“We’re not supposed to do that. It’s rude.”
“Then stay outside.” I say walking up to the bar where, of course, there’s a bartender I know who runs around to give me a big hug and kiss.
She orders us a round on the house and my friends date is appalled.
“How can all these people like you?”
“Because they know I don’t usually associate myself with tight-assed, fuck wads. Tonight’s just a special occasion.”
She is appalled! She is incensed! She’s about to say something else but I hold up my hand,
“Shut the fuck up, bitch. I’ve been listening to your backwoods bitching all night long and I’m fucking done.”
“Hey, Chris. . .” Her boyfriend begins. Just as quickly he rethought his decision.
“Good to see you haven’t gone all backwoods retard yet, chumbrain.” The bartender hands me the drinks. I hold one out to her. She takes it. “Enjoy your drink. Just remember to keep your mouth shut because if you say one more insulting thing I’ll tear you from your Payless knock off shoes to your Nutrasweet addled brain.”
It was amusing to watch her fade behind her boyfriend who was looking anywhere but in my general direction.
I hold my beer aloft.
“Here’s to you two!” They turn slowly towards me. “I hope you never have kids because once it found out you were it’s parents it would become the first in vitro suicide.”
The rest of the evening was perfect because no one, other than friends, spoke to me.
That’s not exactly true. When I got out of the car she rolled down the window and called me an asshole.
“That may be true but I’m not stupid enough to be fucking someone with genital herpes.”
He doesn’t (to the best of my knowledge) but I bet they had an interesting conversation all the way home.