Mind Reading

“You should have known what I. . .”

I’ve heard that sentence beginning many time in my life. For as many endings there are (‘wanted’ ‘needed’ ‘meant’ ‘expected’ ‘thought’ ‘was going to do’) it only means one thing,

“You should have read my mind.”

Although I do possess many super powers (including, but not limited to, the ability to pick a melon thirty six minutes before it spoils. The ability to change a light bulb while listening to instructions from the moment I get the chair to the moment I properly dispose of the burned out bulb – home only. At work I can pull out a thirty foot ladder, grab an eight foot bulb, climb the ladder with the bulb, put the bulb in, climb down then put the ladder away without anyone knowing. My DVD’s come out of the player already rewound. I know this sounds like an urban legend, but, I’m not kidding. Every time! I can find every sliver of glass from a broken object except the one someone steps on. And I do this thing with my tongue people always respond to) but mind reading is not one of them.

Huh? What’s that? You want to learn more about that thing with my tongue? Perverts! I’m talking about yelling. People really respond when I yell. Geez, I can’t write you people anywhere.

“You should have known what I. . .”

The conclusion to that sentence is never important, it always means the same thing,

“You should have read my mind.”

When this person, who was quite appalled at my lack of legerdemain, kept pushing her agenda. After her rather angry rant I was allowed a slight pause to interject that she was right.

“I can, in fact, read minds. The problem is I’m dyslexic so it comes out all backwards. In your case, I knew you were going to gather all your family and friends; arrive after closing; knowing I would be here and happy to remain open until you completed your task.”

I pause and smile. I have her full attention. I can tell she’s expecting some compensation, a little repentance, maybe some tearful remorse. So, I continued,

“But, you know dyslexics. It got all jumbled and came out like this: there’s no way she’s stupid enough to assume I’d be in the building after closing, not only that, be willing to stay here for gawd knows how long without getting paid.”

I’m going to tell you something not many people know. I actually am a little psychic. As a matter of fact, I’m having a little spell right now.

I predict, in the very near future, there will be another very vivid letter of complaint in my personnel folder.

And it will be from this woman!

It really is scary when I do that, isn’t it?


6 responses to “Mind Reading

  1. But it sounds like you didn’t even make her cry…are you losing your touch?

  2. I think that you might have a new job as the “Idiot Whisperer”

  3. It’s far from a new job, Eric.

    In my defense, Steve, I was off the clock. It’s no fun to have a client cry on my own time.

  4. I probably would have stayed, got home late after doing a good deed, feeling good for the moment, then waking up the next morning pissed, cause I didn’t get enough sleep! God Bless!

  5. damn, they even come after you on your workcation!

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