Monthly Archives: October 2009

Mind Reading

“You should have known what I. . .”

I’ve heard that sentence beginning many time in my life. For as many endings there are (‘wanted’ ‘needed’ ‘meant’ ‘expected’ ‘thought’ ‘was going to do’) it only means one thing,

“You should have read my mind.”

Although I do possess many super powers (including, but not limited to, the ability to pick a melon thirty six minutes before it spoils. The ability to change a light bulb while listening to instructions from the moment I get the chair to the moment I properly dispose of the burned out bulb – home only. At work I can pull out a thirty foot ladder, grab an eight foot bulb, climb the ladder with the bulb, put the bulb in, climb down then put the ladder away without anyone knowing. My DVD’s come out of the player already rewound. I know this sounds like an urban legend, but, I’m not kidding. Every time! I can find every sliver of glass from a broken object except the one someone steps on. And I do this thing with my tongue people always respond to) but mind reading is not one of them.

Huh? What’s that? You want to learn more about that thing with my tongue? Perverts! I’m talking about yelling. People really respond when I yell. Geez, I can’t write you people anywhere.

“You should have known what I. . .”

The conclusion to that sentence is never important, it always means the same thing,

“You should have read my mind.”

When this person, who was quite appalled at my lack of legerdemain, kept pushing her agenda. After her rather angry rant I was allowed a slight pause to interject that she was right.

“I can, in fact, read minds. The problem is I’m dyslexic so it comes out all backwards. In your case, I knew you were going to gather all your family and friends; arrive after closing; knowing I would be here and happy to remain open until you completed your task.”

I pause and smile. I have her full attention. I can tell she’s expecting some compensation, a little repentance, maybe some tearful remorse. So, I continued,

“But, you know dyslexics. It got all jumbled and came out like this: there’s no way she’s stupid enough to assume I’d be in the building after closing, not only that, be willing to stay here for gawd knows how long without getting paid.”

I’m going to tell you something not many people know. I actually am a little psychic. As a matter of fact, I’m having a little spell right now.

I predict, in the very near future, there will be another very vivid letter of complaint in my personnel folder.

And it will be from this woman!

It really is scary when I do that, isn’t it?

Baseball Vs. Football

Thank You, Masked Man

Yes, I’ve been on vacation.

A Positive Story

Cake Or Death?

Bob Marley

Yeah, mon!

Emo, Emo, Emo!

Here’s the man from ’83.

Birbiglia’s On Fire!


Workation: Spending your vacation working because the economy sucks so badly you couldn’t hire people throughout the year.

Guy 1: Hey! I hear your off next week! Sounds exciting!

Guy 2: Don’t spin yourself into a tizzy, freak. It’s a workation.

Guy 1: That sucks.

Guy 2: Yeah. I’ve got to stain the deck; clean up the yard; bring in the lawn stuff; tear down the gardens; check the gutters; winterize the vehicles; make sure all the fluids are drained from the summer motorized tools; make sure the winter motorized tools are primed; my neighbor was told I was going to be around so I was volunteered to help him shore up a retaining wall; then, when my mother in law finds out I’m off I know she’ll have. . .

Guy 1: BANG

Woman 1: Oh! My! Gawd! Kenny shot himself! Why would he do that? What were you two talking about?

Guy 2: I was just telling him about my workation.

Woman 1: Workation? That sucks?

Guy 2: Yeah. I’ve got to stain. . .

Paramedic 1: . . .clear the way. Coming through.

Paramedic 1 looks at Guy 1 and sadly nods his head. Paramedic 1 looks at Guy 2.

Paramedic 1: You were telling him about your workation, huh?

Guy 2 sadly averts eye contact while nodding his head.

Paramedic 1 pats Guy 2 on the shoulder.

Paramedic 1: It’s not your fault. I’m seeing more and more of this in my line of work.

So, don’t fret, I’m just going to be busting my ass next week. But I’ve left humorous tidbits from the world of stand-up for your laughing and chuckling pleasure.

So, play nice and don’t break my collection of jelly glasses.

A Growing Trend?

I need some help with this. We were at a sort of upscale restaurant last night and something I have noticed over the last year really came to the forefront.

What’s up with all these Olive Oyl armed chicks? I’m not talking wax paper thin women. I’d expect coaxial cable arms from them. I’m talking otherwise proportionate females.

Slender wrists up to the shoulders. Arms I’m shocked bend because I didn’t think they had biceps. Arms so bereft of definition it takes both hands to hoist their Candy Cane Martini.

Is it due to the fact men these days are so weak and ‘metrosexual’ the only women they can impress with their manliness are those who can’t lift their arm if they’re wearing more than one ring and two layers of fingernail polish?

“Here,” he says moving in to save the day. “Let me open that bag of peanuts for you!”

I can see the next big growth industry being door to door window openers and grocery carriers.

I’m not even going to talk about guys who could put in air conditioners or open jars.

Those guys would be super heroes.