. . .if you use more than six words to order one coffee.
. . .if you keep apologizing after each anal retentive and psychotic demand.
. . .if you put your over-sized bag on the counter and begin taking everything out of it covering every square inch of the counter making it impossible for anyone else to get served.
. . .if you parked in front of the door in an area well marked with no parking due to fire lane signs.
. . .if your illegal parking made it impossible for a gentleman parked in a properly marked space to pull put.
. . .if you ask for a large cup to put the cup with the coffee in so your delicate paw doesn’t have to touch the hot cup then ask for a tray for your single coffee.
. . .if you slowly collect the items unnecessary for this transaction you placed on the counter and carefully place them back into the over-sized bag.
. . .if you turn to face the ever expanding line and give a sparkly smile and insincere apology which no one buys but, as a group, have no desire or time to be featured in a special bulletin on a local newscast about a beating at a coffee shop, so, as long as you’re moving you’re allowed safe passage.
. . .if, when you reach your vehicle, you start screaming and giving the finger to the gentleman because he not only had the temerity to park in a legal spot but gave you the international ‘What the fuck?’ shrug.
. . .if, being fully aware the patient gentleman is still blocked by your illegally parked vehicle, you take your sweet time placing your bag gently onto the passenger seat, pull your coffee with the extra heat deflecting cup out of the tray then toss the tray out the window.
. . .if you look at the pretty much by now impatient gentleman and give him another finger before pulling out of the fire lane and cutting off a person pulling out of the drive-thru who had to slam on their breaks while watching you mime expletives as you sped away.
I’m thinking the title for this bit may be wrong. You might not be an asshole if you do any of these, you are.
Especially if you order coffee using more than six words. I know it seems to be a little, picking of nits sort of thing but it’s a direct gateway to assholedom.
Let me show you how it’s done.
“Cream, no sugar, please.”
I’ll even count my ‘please’ which is something I’ve never done with the more than six words crowd. Could it be because I’ve never actually heard it from any of them?
Let me take a second to say the above story is true. I was third in the line and watched it all go down. If I had to shoot a PSA on acting like an asshole I’d scour the earth to offer this woman the role.
So, anyone have any additions to the You Might Be An Asshole. . . file?
I know I do.
You might be an asshole if you ask a question, get an answer you don’t like, so ask the question in a slightly different manner.
You might be an asshole if you ask someone for the time, they give it to you then you ask if it’s the correct time.
You might be an asshole if you dial a wrong number then get bitchy at the person you are bothering.
You might be an asshole. . .