You Might Be An Asshole. . .

. . .if you use more than six words to order one coffee.

. . .if you keep apologizing after each anal retentive and psychotic demand.

. . .if you put your over-sized bag on the counter and begin taking everything out of it covering every square inch of the counter making it impossible for anyone else to get served.

. . .if you parked in front of the door in an area well marked with no parking due to fire lane signs.

. . .if your illegal parking made it impossible for a gentleman parked in a properly marked space to pull put.

. . .if you ask for a large cup to put the cup with the coffee in so your delicate paw doesn’t have to touch the hot cup then ask for a tray for your single coffee.

. . .if you slowly collect the items unnecessary for this transaction you placed on the counter and carefully place them back into the over-sized bag.

. . .if you turn to face the ever expanding line and give a sparkly smile and insincere apology which no one buys but, as a group, have no desire or time to be featured in a special bulletin on a local newscast about a beating at a coffee shop, so, as long as you’re moving you’re allowed safe passage.

. . .if, when you reach your vehicle, you start screaming and giving the finger to the gentleman because he not only had the temerity to park in a legal spot but gave you the international ‘What the fuck?’ shrug.

. . .if, being fully aware the patient gentleman is still blocked by your illegally parked vehicle, you take your sweet time placing your bag gently onto the passenger seat, pull your coffee with the extra heat deflecting cup out of the tray then toss the tray out the window.

. . .if you look at the pretty much by now impatient gentleman and give him another finger before pulling out of the fire lane and cutting off a person pulling out of the drive-thru who had to slam on their breaks while watching you mime expletives as you sped away.

I’m thinking the title for this bit may be wrong. You might not be an asshole if you do any of these, you are.

Especially if you order coffee using more than six words. I know it seems to be a little, picking of nits sort of thing but it’s a direct gateway to assholedom.

Let me show you how it’s done.

“Cream, no sugar, please.”

I’ll even count my ‘please’ which is something I’ve never done with the more than six words crowd. Could it be because I’ve never actually heard it from any of them?

Let me take a second to say the above story is true. I was third in the line and watched it all go down. If I had to shoot a PSA on acting like an asshole I’d scour the earth to offer this woman the role.

So, anyone have any additions to the You Might Be An Asshole. . . file?

I know I do.

You might be an asshole if you ask a question, get an answer you don’t like, so ask the question in a slightly different manner.

You might be an asshole if you ask someone for the time, they give it to you then you ask if it’s the correct time.

You might be an asshole if you dial a wrong number then get bitchy at the person you are bothering.

You might be an asshole. . .


12 responses to “You Might Be An Asshole. . .

  1. Oh gawd, so many are coming at me that it’s like I’m in brain lock. I’ll have to wait for the system to cool down and come back with the better suggestions later.

  2. If you drive a trolley car on the Green B Line (period!)

  3. good one as usual sir

  4. you might be an asshole if …. you call Zell sir lol !!!

  5. I believe I sat next to that woman on a plane once … and it was a cross-country flight. “Sat under” is more specific. First thing she did was to lift the armrest I had lowered into place, as she said, “This works better for me up.” I paid for the whole seat, dammit, not for her overflow.

    Then, from the giant bag, she took off her jacket and put on her comfy shawl sweater, and took off her shoes and put on her comfy slippers (piling everything on the floor). It was the back row (no reclining possible) and she had the aisle, of course. No escape. The poor fellow stuck by the window and I were in misery for hours.

    I’ll have to work on repressing that memory again.

  6. “Sometimes the only exercise I get is shaking my head !”
    …Jack LaLane

  7. Dude! You should’ve said “Hi!” I had no idea that was you…I would’ve moved my bag.

  8. What you didn’t see was this; She shot out of the parking lot in typical assfuck fashion, and up Wellesley St. When she got to the stop sign, she ate it for breakfast along with her two sentence perfect coffee, and was imediately creamed by a T bus going up Flynn St.. The resulting explosion blew her into a nearby quantum filament, which transported her instantly across the galaxy, and onto the planet Colonis. When she excited the portal, she was greeted by approximately 3000 local natives, who had been waiting there for millenia in anticipation of her arrival. She was imediately crowned queen, covered in alien shit, and eaten… This all happened when you were ordering your three word coffee…

  9. You live in such a fantasy world, Suicide.

    I heard she creamed a cab.

  10. Did you read Dennis Leary’s new book from 2008? If not, you should!

  11. If someone from a doctor’s office calls you leaving a very well put, 2 minute message explaining exactly what needs to be done and YOU call back 30 seconds later forcing the polite receptionist to say, “I just left you a message, explaining the protocol – do you have any additional questions???” And YOUR response is – “I don’t have time to listen to the message!!! Explain it to me again!!!” YOU JUST MIGHT BE AN ASSHOLE!!!

  12. You’re right. He is in a fantasy world. The real street’s name is Lynn. His fantasy street is Flynn.

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