Trust me, if you were shivered by the title don’t bother reading this. If you’ve never trusted me before, do so now.
Seriously, back out gently and safely. I’m going in now and it’s ugly. Last chance to exit the ugly train.
Okay, here we go.
I walked into this scummy bar around the corner from work. It’s the only place to grab a quick beer since they tore down the Chinese restaurant.
Every now and then there’s an old lady who makes passes at me. Usually I can turn it around with a quip, a gentle retort, a few words before polishing off my beer and exiting.
It does get tiresome. I just got out of work. I’ve listened to enough bullshit to fill congress. I’m tired of my voice. My coddling filter has shut down. All I want is ten minutes to drink a beer in peace and go home.
Is that too much to ask?
Like I said, I can usually fend off my admirer with a few words and a hefty chug. But this time she was fucking relentless.
She said things that would make a rapist blush. You don’t expect someone’s nana to sidle up to you and say,
“I’ll take out my teeth and let you slip into my velvet head.”
I know! What did I tell you? You’re washing your eyes out right now, aren’t you. I know!
I’m going to save you the real ripe things because I like you. You have a good life. You shouldn’t be subjected to things like this.
That’s my job.
I listened just to make sure I should respond in kind. Of course by ‘in kind’ I mean my kind.
Once I was cleared for take off (I won’t tell you exactly what gave me the okay, suffice it to say go wash your eyes again) I took the last sip of my beer and said,
“As interesting an offer as this may be, I’m afraid the first time I thrust my dick into your sand paper pussy your hips would break. Then, when I tried to pull out, I’d get stuck on the bone shards which would be cutting my cock into string cheese. Although the pain would be excruciating, I’d keep pulling because your tits slapping my ass would be freaking me out.”
Think she’ll ask me out again?