Sexy Octogenarian

Trust me, if you were shivered by the title don’t bother reading this. If you’ve never trusted me before, do so now.

Seriously, back out gently and safely. I’m going in now and it’s ugly. Last chance to exit the ugly train.

Okay, here we go.

I walked into this scummy bar around the corner from work. It’s the only place to grab a quick beer since they tore down the Chinese restaurant.

Every now and then there’s an old lady who makes passes at me. Usually I can turn it around with a quip, a gentle retort, a few words before polishing off my beer and exiting.

It does get tiresome. I just got out of work. I’ve listened to enough bullshit to fill congress. I’m tired of my voice. My coddling filter has shut down. All I want is ten minutes to drink a beer in peace and go home.

Is that too much to ask?

Like I said, I can usually fend off my admirer with a few words and a hefty chug. But this time she was fucking relentless.

She said things that would make a rapist blush. You don’t expect someone’s nana to sidle up to you and say,

“I’ll take out my teeth and let you slip into my velvet head.”

I know! What did I tell you? You’re washing your eyes out right now, aren’t you. I know!

I’m going to save you the real ripe things because I like you. You have a good life. You shouldn’t be subjected to things like this.

That’s my job.

I listened just to make sure I should respond in kind. Of course by ‘in kind’ I mean my kind.

Once I was cleared for take off (I won’t tell you exactly what gave me the okay, suffice it to say go wash your eyes again) I took the last sip of my beer and said,

“As interesting an offer as this may be, I’m afraid the first time I thrust my dick into your sand paper pussy your hips would break. Then, when I tried to pull out, I’d get stuck on the bone shards which would be cutting my cock into string cheese. Although the pain would be excruciating, I’d keep pulling because your tits slapping my ass would be freaking me out.”

Think she’ll ask me out again?


12 responses to “Sexy Octogenarian

  1. I dunno. Anybody who’ll go with the “velvet head” line probably wouldn’t be too scared off.

    (And yes, mental bleach is on order after that one. But God knows I couldn’t resist your intro, eh?)

  2. You’d think, huh? But, as is quite often the case, those who dish it out can’t take it. Can you believe she was ‘highly offended’ by my response?

    She’s the type who likes shocked attention so says colorful things when the spirit moves her. I think she focused on me because I never bit. She never got a reaction so had to keep trying. I guess she found out that could be a mistake.

  3. I think “sand paper pussy”, technically, might be offensive…

  4. Thanks, Steve, call me out on a technicality why don’t ya?

    Would dust bowl have been less offensive, technically speaking?

  5. “Dust Bowl.”


  6. While the use of “sand paper” as an adjective describing the abrasiveness of one’s pussy is considered offensive, the use of “dust bowl” only IMPLIES the barren state of her female region and is therefore considered an acceptable substitution to use around a sensitve *bitch.

    *”bitch” is also an acceptable substitute for the “C-word” for similar reasons.

  7. I wouldn’t touch this one with a 10 foot pole, and, just to keep things mathematically accurate, since most guys think that 4 inches is really 6, I guess you’re all picturing me with a 14 foot pole, and I just don’t have the upper body strength to manipulate a 14 foot pole…

    OK now get your minds out of the gutter, because under no circumstances will any pole manipulation be happening here.

  8. “Sexy Octogenarian” it’s sort of like “Jumbo Shrimp”, except it makes me shudder in revulsion, and the shrimp thing just makes me hungry!

  9. Y’all do me proud!

  10. Is “velvet head” an actual term? Because I’ve never heard it before and, frankly, it conjurs up a horrendous image. Wash my eyes out? I need to wash my brain after that.

    Hey, have you seen the “Porn for the Elderly” on Family Guy? An old lady answers her door and an old guy is standing there. She says, “Nice pants,” and he says, “I got ’em on sale at Caldor.”

  11. Yeah…”Velvet head” reeks of some kind of “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” porn remake…

  12. If you’re desperate enough for a beer that you’ll go in there, I’ll wait outside work and hand you a beer. I’ve caught things from that place just by driving PAST it.

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