Biography

bi-og-ra-phy [bahy-og-ruh-fee]
1. a written account of another person’s life.

I just wanted to start with everyone on the same page.

If you’ve passed here before you’re aware that I’m a whore. I’m usually clothed when I whore but I often feel just as dirty when it’s over.

Being a whore I take many calls about my endeavor. Some are pleasant and pass quickly (“Chris, I need jokes about [fill in topical event].”). Others are ugly and never get a groove on (“Chris, what I’m looking for is a singing/dancing sword and scorcerer script with a time travel hook.”). Then there are some who shouldn’t have pulled up to the curb.

And here is just one of those conversations.

“So, ah, Chris, if I hire you to write my biography, would I have to tell you about myself?”

“That’s the proceedure.”

“I’m not comfortable with that. Wouldn’t it be just as good if you followed me around and wrote what you saw?”

“Yeah, if I started from the moment you fell out of your mother’s pussy.”

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6 responses to “Biography

  1. c’mon … there has to be SOME satisfaction in the work — right?

  2. Um…
    Speaking of whores, I was talking to an editor the other day (trying to worm my way into a job) and he said “I consider myself a whore, and if you take this job you’ll have to consider yourself one also.” I said, “Yes! I already do!”

  3. DavisW: c’mon … there has to be SOME
    satisfaction in the work — right?

    There must or I would have turned off my phone, shut down email contact, and moved by now.

    The problem is the ratio of jobs I think I can actually help vs. just awe inspiring numbskulls who think they have a great notion is slim. I know some people who call me stupid for not taking the work but the problems involved aren’t worth it.

    Wendy: Ha. We all are. Peddling our services right out in the open like we do. Do we have no shame? The thing is, unlike the vanity project above or brilliant idea people who get stuck or get rejected (I just had a meeting with a group you’ll read about in the coming month), I never turn down the nuts and bolts work. It’s slower now but I’d much rather spend fifty hours writing general copy then spend it with vanity or brilliant idea people. That’s pretty whoreish.

  4. Jeez Chris cut the guy a break. He fell out of his mother’s pussy for crissakes! That musta hurt. So you already have the beginning right there. Next he grows up, blah blah blah, and dies. The end. $50.00

    NEXT!

  5. I am thinking if he “fell out of his mothers pussy” that his mom might have a few interesting stories to tell about HER life…maybe she should be the one being written about.

  6. David: Hahahahahahahahha. Oh man.

    MTAE: You’ve been over at Taoist Biker reading his filth, haven’t you? I’m sure he could tell you why that would happen. Knowing him he probably has video.

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