How’d Ya Meet?

I have a standard answer to that whenever it’s asked about me and how I know anyone,

“Prison. I was a guard and they needed a REALLY big favor.”

Needless to say, it get laughs (or I wouldn’t keep doing it). The best was when it was asked about me and a priest.

But my girlfriend hates it. Loathes it. Forbids me to use it. So, to keep peace and myself alive, I acquiesce to her when that question is asked.

Until the other day.

I don’t know what came over me (except my personality) but I answered that question thusly,

“We were in the Army. There was a firefight and someone was pinned down in a kill zone. I got to the front and saw that getting the wounded soldier was a suicide mission. I asked who it was and someone said,

“Chuck.”

“Chuck?” I said. “I hate that fucking guy.” So we waited until he bled out and I took his girlfriend.

That is why I tell people to let me go with my first idea. History shows the next one will only be worse.

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6 responses to “How’d Ya Meet?

  1. Stick with your instincts. My wife has learned an eye roll/head shake when I do stuff like that…

    I go with her working in a homeless shelter and her taking me in…

  2. I know it can’t be easy living with people like us. I’m always getting ass eyes, but I have forever so it doesn’t phase me much.

    I don’t go out of my way to annoy and do temper it somewhat for her benefit but, if an opportunity arises, I’m taking the shot. I do let many pass to avoid arguments but I can’t let them all pass.

    She gets pissed when I swear in front of her mother but my answer is she’s read my books, she knows I’m a foul-mouthed, guttersnipe. It’s not as if I’m ripping them out like a rapper with tourette’s but if it’s part of my timing it’s going to happen.

    The thing is, her mother is a fan so I don’t have to defend myself. If it’s just the two of them and only her mother laughs I take it as a win because I’m still doing better than According To Jim.

  3. My psych classes are starting to pay off and I have started using negative re-inforcement techniques with my husband when he pulls his crap; not just an eye roll or a shrug of the shoulders any more! I’ve been using a Tazer, which allows him time to lay there on the ground, quivering and drooling and thinking about what he has said or done.

    Now you two can just sweat it out and hope your wife and girlfirend don’t read this!

  4. OMG so THAT’S how Chuck Norris finally bought it!

    What? He ain’t dead?

    Shit! Then you better watch out B&G!!

  5. I love your Army story. It’s possibly the best How’d Ya Meet story I’ve ever heard. Keep using it.

  6. I don’t think that’s a possibility. She said if I do that again she’ll stick needle nose pliers up my nose and open them very, very wide.

    Although I’ve never experienced that, exactly, I think it would hurt.

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