We all know. . .

. . .I’m pretty much a big, fat whore. But even I have my limits.

I was contacted by a comedian (a guy you may have heard of who knows someone who knows me who I know is an asshole) who was, or so it seemed, looking for some bits. Yeah, okay, fine. Ah, here’s one,

I was thinking of putting an ad on craigslist advertising my services as a helmsman because I wanted to be known as the craigslist tiller.

Yeah, okay, fine. Maybe too local (I don’t know how it played nationally) and it seems he’s not interested in jokes that don’t have a long shelf life. Gotcha.

You want mother-in-law jokes you can put on the road for another decade. Yeah, okay, fine.

Ah, how about,

I don’t understand why people get nervous on first dates. I know it’s because they don’t know if they’re going to get laid. But I never get nervous because I know sometime that night I’m going to have an orgasm.

I watched his act. That was a perfect fit.

I’ve written for every level of comedic performer. People you’ve heard of and people, if you’re lucky, you never will. I do it for the money so gravitate towards those who will give it to me. A joketitute or whoremedian, if you will.

The problem is I have to get to know your act. That means I have to, if not actually meet you, talk to and watch your act. I’m not sure which is more painful. Watching an act or meeting the person. This time it was easy.

Meeting the person.

After about an hour of listening to what he knew was funny and what he knew wasn’t he told me he didn’t want me ‘write’ for him. That’s actually a pretty standard conceit. If I’m not ‘writing’ for you you can say you ‘write’ your own material. Yeah, okay, fine. I’m here for the money never mention names.

Then he started to move in directions I’m less interested in. Such as, paying me hourly. I’m a piecemeal worker. You tell me what you’re looking for, I huddle in my laughratory, think of funny things then send them to you. We do get together but it’s usually at the refining mill.

I was willing to overlook the hourly wage part until he said he’d only pay me when I was on the phone or meeting him. I’ll work with you but even a trollop needs some alone time to freshen up.

But I could even work with that. People have their own thing. Then he said he’d want my undivided attention a minimum of three hours a week.

“Sorry, dude, I’m looking for work not a new best friend.”

I don’t see anyone other than my boss and girlfriend that much during a week.

And one of them has to pay me.

Much more than he was offering.

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4 responses to “We all know. . .

  1. We all are weird in our own ways I guess. It has to be a big step for someone to take that step from writing themselves to actually purchasing material from someone.

    As far as the orgasm joke..
    Now that I have been married for almost 15 years, sex comes full circle. At 13, you discover a new “toy” and from 15 through 30 you spend your time trying to get someone…ANYONE…to touch it, but by the time you are 38, you learn to appreciate a little sex by yourself.

    • You’d be surprised how many people out there buy jokes. For whatever reason. It’s not that big a leap. You just have to hire people who can keep their mouths shut.

  2. @mtae–Are you advocating masturbation, or confessing it?

  3. @soup Denial of masterbation would be similar to the denial of the sun being hot. As far as advocating it…there is no other way that Kristen Bell would touch me OTHER than in my imagination that wouldn’t involve some jail time.

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