Wing Man

I can be a good wing man. I have. I can be entertaining. I have. I can keep someone’s attention while you attempt to bed their friend. I have.

But I don’t like it. I find it boring, work, and a waste of my time. What’s in it for me? And to make it worse, I usually end up getting touched for money when he over spends.

I also hate something that happens each time. They ask me for funny and charming lines. I always turn them down. I don’t think I’m being mean, I feel I’m helping.

What’ll happen if I give them some lines? They use them then what? Run back to get more? Why make the lady think he’s something he’s not?

He’s an idiot and the quicker she knows the better for all involved. Especially me.

When they bitch about that I tell them they’re getting off easy. I’ve been asked to be best man three times and said no twice.

“You’re not putting this war in my name.” Is my standard response.

But this wing man opportunity happened organically. My pal saw two girls walk in, counted, figured he needed back up.

This one really wasn’t too bad. Her friend was pretty much self contained with her cellphone and glaring disdain for me.

Just the way I like ’em.

As I sit there I overhear his clumsy moves. Although she’s giving him more attention then her cellphone she shares with her friend a glaring disdain.

When the girls speak to each other I take the opportunity to tell him he should cut his losses.

He is shocked!

Why are guys so fucking stupid?

A better question, why are my friends so fucking stupid?

“Shut it down.”

“What are you talking about? I’m almost there!”

“You’re not even in the area code of the ball park.”

He begins to sell me on how close he is when I begin to share something with the ladies: a glaring disdain.

“Listen to me, you’re wasting your time and annoying people.”

“You don’t know shit! I’m this close to charming her out of her panties.”

I shake my head and turn back to my beer.

“All you’re going to do is talk to her until you’re blue in the balls.”


3 responses to “Wing Man

  1. OMG!! That was YOU?!?

  2. I am surely not a charmer on demand, but when guys are on a “mission”, we are not good at reading people. Kind of like Marines storming a beach…maybe I’ll get through!!!!!

  3. That’s so true. Missing signs is always a riot. I watched this guy trudge up a hill, full mental jacket on, ignoring all the signs. It was so bad my date and I sat back to see how bad it would get. He’s chatting away, big ol’ smile on his face, while she’s sitting there with everything crossed.

    Finally, she picked up her drink and threw it in his face.

    And he still kept the death march dancing. He’s laughing and wiping his face trying to reason through until she finally got up and left.

    There was another time I was out with some friends and we watched this horrible date from a couple of tables over. He was an obnoxious ass and she was mortified. She must have come with him because she stayed but it did help us create a Bad Date Service.

    If you’re on a bad date call us and we’d send one of our operatives there to make a scene so you could escape. We had all kinds of weird scenarios such as getting the customer to leave the table and have the operative go over and tell the date to be careful because you had an STD.

    It is all about missing the signs because you’re so wrapped up in that ‘Me me me’ of impression making. If you have to work that hard there’s too much artifice going on.

    Yes, Becky, that was me! And if I had feelings you would have hurt it.

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