I can be a good wing man. I have. I can be entertaining. I have. I can keep someone’s attention while you attempt to bed their friend. I have.
But I don’t like it. I find it boring, work, and a waste of my time. What’s in it for me? And to make it worse, I usually end up getting touched for money when he over spends.
I also hate something that happens each time. They ask me for funny and charming lines. I always turn them down. I don’t think I’m being mean, I feel I’m helping.
What’ll happen if I give them some lines? They use them then what? Run back to get more? Why make the lady think he’s something he’s not?
He’s an idiot and the quicker she knows the better for all involved. Especially me.
When they bitch about that I tell them they’re getting off easy. I’ve been asked to be best man three times and said no twice.
“You’re not putting this war in my name.” Is my standard response.
But this wing man opportunity happened organically. My pal saw two girls walk in, counted, figured he needed back up.
This one really wasn’t too bad. Her friend was pretty much self contained with her cellphone and glaring disdain for me.
Just the way I like ’em.
As I sit there I overhear his clumsy moves. Although she’s giving him more attention then her cellphone she shares with her friend a glaring disdain.
When the girls speak to each other I take the opportunity to tell him he should cut his losses.
He is shocked!
Why are guys so fucking stupid?
A better question, why are my friends so fucking stupid?
“Shut it down.”
“What are you talking about? I’m almost there!”
“You’re not even in the area code of the ball park.”
He begins to sell me on how close he is when I begin to share something with the ladies: a glaring disdain.
“Listen to me, you’re wasting your time and annoying people.”
“You don’t know shit! I’m this close to charming her out of her panties.”
I shake my head and turn back to my beer.
“All you’re going to do is talk to her until you’re blue in the balls.”