I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s because I let people talk for uninterrupted periods of time. Maybe it’s because I pretend to give a shit so often I’m damn good at it. Whatever it is, people tend to tell me stuff (truly amazing stuff you’d have to devise the most horrific torture to get out of me) and want me to support them in their endeavor.

It’s usually acquaintance types who do that so I guess that’s some of the explanation. Don’t get me wrong, I do things for my actually friends too but those things lean more towards lifting, hiding, or disposing of heavy things. They know better than to tell me their deepest, darkest demons unless they need a laugh about it.

They’d never do something like want my shoulder to cry on during a divorce. Those people are more likely to run their plans for revenge past me to see if I can find flaws. But the acquaintance type needs to use me to vent. Sorry, spunky, I ain’t a heat exchange, peddle you’re piddling ass problems elsewhere.

That’s not to say I won’t be there because I will. I don’t mind helping someone in crisis as long as they don’t mind my using their sadness as fodder. It’s not really an even exchange (I have to sit there sometimes for hours without shaking whereas they don’t help write my bit about it) but one I’ve resigned myself to enduring.

This acquaintance has been talking about his pending divorce for what seems like longer than he was married. I listen and nod and try to see if there are any flaws in my revenge plans. And, truly, I don’t mind. As long as there are rules. Rule, actually. That rule states, you come to me. I don’t go to you. I don’t go with you. I don’t actually do anything. Seems fair. If you’re going to beat on my ear drum all day I shouldn’t have to travel to get the pounding.

“Would you come to a support meeting with me?”

Are you unaware of the only fucking rule about me helping you, spunky?

“It’d mean a lot to me.”

What was that? I can be mean a lot to you?

Of course we all know I went. I’ve never been to any type of support meeting. I don’t even wear underwear, that’s how little support I need!

We walk into this room and it’s full of whiny, complaining, ex-hating twits. They ruined my life! They got my house! They weren’t the person I married.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And right across town your ex is saying the same shit about you. Roll with it or get rolled over, chuckles.

When we were trying to sit it turned out there were only single seats. He’s hesitant so I pushed him in the direction of a seat between a crying woman and a guy who was rocking back and forth. I found a seat between two guys who were glaring straight ahead. My peeps!

I’m listening to the stories and, yeah, okay, fine. Life didn’t work out the way you planned. Do you think I wanted to be doing this for a living? Do you think I want to be here? Do you think I’m not having a heck of a time stopping myself from laughing right out loud?

As time goes on people start to whine down. The leader looks around and sees that everyone’s had a handful of snivel snacks. Except me. He starts to ask why I came and I don’t want to make my acquaintance seem even more of a whiny maggot than he is so I say I’d rather not discuss it.

Turns out that’s like waving black eyeliner at a goth.

“I’ve been listening to everyone’s stories and I feel for you all, I really do.” I always say that when I really don’t. Gives an air of care, don’t ya think? “But that’s not me.” I can tell they’re trying to have me shed some light on my darkness but I stop them. I guess the only thing I can do to get them to stop badgering me is to come clean.

“Besides, the only reason I’m here is for the alibi.”

You’d think a conglomerate of gloom like this, with revenge fantasies in their heads, would find that, if not funny, at least a damn good idea.

15 responses to “Support

  1. Not one laugh? Those people need a good stiff Gin & Cyanide.

  2. Yikes ! Not a laugh ! Sometimes the only exercise I get is shaking my head ! Thanks for the workout !

  3. Hey I don’t wear underwear either. Oh that’s right you taught me that beautiful lesson. I also shave my body, oh yeah another thing in common. What does this have to do with divorce? Maybe if everyone took your very valuable lessons in life about no undies and shave that smelly hair off, we could all be alibi’s at these meetings.

  4. “Besides, the only reason I’m here is for the alibi.”


  5. OF COURSE no one laughed at your HATEFUL statement! They are at one of the lowest points in their life and you decide that’s an appropriate time to ridicule and belittle them for seeking help they are in need of. Their lives are in turmoil, they are in pain, they are seeking a way out of the darkness and there you are with your smugness. You sicken me. I hope you never need support and the kindness of strangers then have some ignorant asshole decides that’s a good time to make fun of your life. Who the fuck do you think you are? I hope you never try that shit anyplace I’m at because I’ll beat your ass. You are what’s wrong with people these days. You find mocking the distressed a worthy proposition. You have made me so angry just knowing people like you are in this world. Fuck you and anyone who finds your ignorant and hurtful misuse of the first amendment in any way entertaining.

  6. I just want to say the above message came to us via an anonymous surf site with an obviously fake email address. I thought about not letting it go through but, after all, he is in pain so we should let him have his say.

  7. that’s pretty funny about “Fuck You”. is it repetitive to say, “Fuck you” to Fuck You?

    it seems that Fuck You took your post too seriously and forgot about the fact that in life we’ve all encountered acquaintances that, after awhile, become whiny about their problems and drag US into their tragedy.

    sometimes, ya just gotta stop bothering your friends and get stoic. Take all the hurt and pain and swallow it— just keep pushing it down way inside. And when there’s no more room for the pain, you just keep making room and pushing it down deeper inside. Until you snap like a rubber band.

    Have a glass of Tang, get a gun and get out there!

  8. Another Internet Ninja, here to flex his/her anon-fu muscles at us.

    Mr./Ms. Fuck You: I’ve been in the situation described above. And I assure you, getting a good laugh out of a line like that was exactly what I needed at a time like that.

    You and your righteous indignation can now go and enjoy your nice angry circle jerk together. Go ahead, it’s on me.

  9. SUPPORT this sounds so helpful. To the FUCK YOU ONE…SUPPORT THIS. The meeting would have torn YOU a new asshole. Since you’re so close to that AREA SUPPORT THIS. Just be a quiet JOCK SUPPORT and live with your smell of shit and sweat. Peter A…..

  10. :: snicker :: I thought it was hilarious. The day I lose my sense of humor, even in the thick of the worst, is the day I BELONG in that stifled “support group”. Feh.

  11. YEAH! Whatever it was Peter said! Holy crinkled ego, Pete! I’m gonna have to ask that you up the meds a pill or seven before posting again. We’re trying to be all kind and respectful like around these here parts.

    What amuses me is that people do come to me with situations like this. I know I’m not their first choice. I’m more of the comic relief pitcher. I come in during the late innings to close out your self-esteem after you’ve gone through the rest of your starting friends rotation.

    And then, as the ‘friend’ here did, get pissed when I do what’s expected. When I said that I thought even he was going to plotz. Sorry, you can’t hold a vulture and not expected to get pecked.

    As far as FUCK YOU!!!, although I know you’ll never read this (and it’s too bad because TB has a valid point), you have two choices, chill or melt.

    I’ve received a few emails asking when I’m going to ram my fist from your ass to your nose so you can, indeed, discover that your shit do stink, but all your tough talk vanished the moment you didn’t have the balls to come clean with who you are.

    I stand by the evil things I say. As a matter of fact, I stand in front of the person when I do it. You want me to give it a go? Cool, let me get some background on you.

    What’s your malady? Momma didn’t breast feed you long enough? Daddy dick fed you a little too long? Was it that, as much as you wanted to be an alter boy, they just didn’t find you attractive enough for the position? That had ta sting, eh? Could it have been the love of your teenaged life laughed at you IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL!!!!! when you left a poem claiming your undying love in her locker?

    Come on, FY! Something had to take the sense of humor a hamster was born with and stuffed it up your ass! Let us know! We’re here to help!

    You know you’ve helped someone when you’ve made them blow snot bubbles and they keep in laughing.

  12. One time grape soda came out my nose when I was drinking it and a friend cracked a good one about her ex– (they were both women, and had been seriously committed for YEARS!- Long enough that their daughter was in high school with my son-same bus stop!)– and we are still friends, but I no longer have the white shirt with the grape soda stain 😦 . You just have to keep the important things, and let the others go.

    Confidential to FU– You ended your second sentence with a preposition, and that’s a journalistic and composition no-no. Get a life and take an English class. Oh, yeah, and while you are at it, just get yourself some class, because compared to everyone else who posts here, you are in desperate need.

  13. The unexpected should warrant some laughter. Maybe a little “hate” in that room.

  14. Although I have done it to people there were two brother I had, to them, the misfortune of saying things that made them blow all kindsa things out of their noses quite often. You’d think they’s learn, huh? The one that had to sting most was a coke. His eyes watered for the longest time. The funniest one, for me, was milk. That looked funny.

  15. This is one of the best damned blog entries I’ve read in a very long time. Oh my God, you are so funny & so inappropriate, like my two favorite things.

    As for “Fuck You,” how does the fact that you were willing to go to this meeting & support this person, even against your own will, somehow get ignored in the mix?

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