Crazies

For lack of a better term, that’s what we call certain people who partake in our services. We had to come up with a simple, easily remembered term instead of saying,

“The guy with his fly always down who smells like tuna.”

Or,

“The lady who hates me because I look like her ex-husband.”

To get a crazy tag, you can be the guy who sings, loudly, when he’s in the building; the woman who talks, loudly, from the time she opens the door until she leaves without ever making sense; or the guy who called the cops because he said I was stalking him (I’m not sure if he did it loudly but I assume there was a modicum of volume). The reason? He saw me in the city he resides in and every time he visits the company.

I’ll give you a clue to tell if someone is a crazy. They have an immense distrust of the post office. So if you’re ever wondering if someone’s a crazy, mention the post office. That’ll put any doubts to rest.

The reason for this dissertation is to guide you through dealing with a crazy. No matter what their problem, you deal with them all similarly. Sure, the woman who calls me a different name each time is different than the guy who asks me to look out the window before he leaves to make sure a guy in a blue cap isn’t out there, but, you must remain sane. . .I mean the same.

Never disengage. Once they have your attention I don’t care if they’re giving away grilled cheese sandwiches and HD TV’s behind you, stay focused. If you disengage you will have to start all over because the canary in the coal mine of their mind just thought of a solution to global warming (weird, but it always has something to do with soup). Maintain eye contact, forge ahead, and never let them see you reach for a weapon (that just angers them).

When they interrupt, with pertinent or, most likely, non-pertinent babble stand firm and use hand gestures. No, not that one. That one sends them into a vortex of biblical proportions. Just a quick hands up, hands down will suffice. All you’re doing is attempting to keep their attention. Like Hannibal Lecter conducting after gutting the cop. NEVER make a fist when gesturing because, depending on their medication, they may poop.

Also, be ready for the long haul. They have time yet have no concept of it so settle in. Be prepared to repeat yourself without letting it frustrate you. Pretend you’re the drummer in a Ramones cover band. Count off, one, two, three, four, pound out the 4/4 beat and repeat.

I know you can perfect these tasks. I have faith in you. But, if you ever find yourself faltering, you are only human after all, remember that, unlike your crazy, most people are happy when you arrive not when you leave.

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2 responses to “Crazies

  1. Your kitties look pretty crazy too.

  2. Where do you think I started my research?

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