Jokes Are Bad

Or at least my jokes if my exchange with a guy is to be believed.

I write monologue jokes for a show and happened to be in the studio for the shoot. I never do that. I just stay home staring at my check. But this time I happened to be in the area having dinner so stopped in to say howdy.

After the show an audience member was talking to the host. He called me over and introduced me as the guy who wrote the joke there seemed to be an issue with.

The guy laid into me about a joke about the president. It was rather innocuous seeming joke but I’ve come to the conclusion there is no such thing.

No matter how soft a joke there’s always going to be someone with a pie hole full of bile.

I listened to the guy for a moment (glaring at that pussy ass bastard of a host) before stopping him. I explained that, although he’s entitled to his opinion, I don’t have to spend my private time listening to him whine.

Of course he doesn’t stop so I stop him with,

“Jokes don’t kill people.” I say leaning in. “But a comedy writer with a chainsaw will.”

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10 responses to “Jokes Are Bad

  1. Ram Venkatararam

    Are you the person I complain to about Charles in Charge being cancelled. You seem extremely important. Please put the show back on and do something about all of the programs about morbidly obese people trying to lose weight. I find it uncomfortable.

    Handle it man!

  2. That’s when you pull your goalie’s mask out of your bag…

  3. I don’t need no stinkin’ goalie mask!

    Ram: I’m sorry to report that, even with the mighty effort I put forth with the vast network of bloodsuckers, sharks and legal eagles at my beck and call, I could not make your dream come true.

    Something about Scott Baio not being able to take care of his own days much less someone else’s nights. That and, what, he’s 70 now? The consensus was viewership for a show called Charles In Charge Of His Colostomy Bag would have a rather limited appeal.

    I hope you can find other fine televised presentations, in living color, to satisfy your viewing desires.

    This discussion brings to mind remakes. I’m not a big fan but I think there are some movies that are difficult if not impossible to take out of their time and update to current sensibilities.

    Bad News Bears comes to mind. Can you imagine the outrage if Greg Kinnear slapped his son like Vic Morrow? What about Tanner’s profanity and ethnic slurs? Let’s not even talk about the pursuit of victory at all cost. How’s that going to translate in this ‘everyone’s a winner’ world? What about a drunk Walter Matthau driving the entire team around without seatbelts in a rag top?

    I watched the original with a couple of people who’d only seen the remake and they were SHOCKED! They didn’t get through the entire movie. They couldn’t get over the bullying. Good thing they didn’t see Tatum O’Neal take a cleat to the chest, eh?

    And now we have another classic from that era. Although this movie has taken a couple of hits over the last few years with some crap piggybacking on it’s good name, the original stands as a classic. And now there’s a remake in the works.

    Although I truly hope for the best I have my concerns about how the foul mouthed and unabashed vulgarity of Slap Shot will work in today’s society.

    http://tinyurl.com/dahuo6

    Hell, Mo Wanchuk would be sent to the David Duchovny Home For Sex Addicts. Let’s not even talk about trying to replicate Reggie Dunlop. Let’s take it a step further and put a moratorium on remaking any movie that starred Paul Newman, okay? Who could replicate him? Who’d have the balls to try?

    Although I have heard good things about this new production and the people involved I have my trepidation.

    That didn’t stop me from telling people who get these things that I’m first in line for a poster (I have posters from around the world from it except for the one from Sweden) but I don’t know if I’ll be first in line to see it.

  4. The Slap Shot remake could be more true to the original than the Bad News Bears was…I haven’t seen Slap Shot in years, but I imagine there are some references to the “intellence level” of the Hanson Bros (especially when they are playing the cars in the motel room) that will be changed.

    The word “retard” comes to mind. I hadn’t heard they were redoing this movie…I don’t think I made it through the new Bad News Bears. This will probably be the same. This movie will be made for the masses that didn’t see the original Slap Shot…which must be 95% of the population, not those of us who have…that 95% is a lot of $$$.

    $$$, or potential $$$, is what drives the bus.

    After my son and I went to his first minor league hockey game, I wanted to show him this, but I am not sure nine is the best age for this…

  5. Whatever you do, MTAE, do not, I beseech you in the name of Toe Blake, do not show him or anyone you don’t want to hate you for life, either piece of cinematic trash with a number following the words Slap Shot.

    You have been warned by a person who has watched this film more times than is considered healthy in normal society.

    Youngblood may be good and safe (I didn’t say exceedingly good but it has it’s fans), Mystery Alaska was good but may be too talky, Miracle is rousing, Mighty Ducks (the same rules apply to numbers after name, just the first one) might be a good one for a kid. As much a fan of Rhino Brothers I am it would not be good for a kid.

  6. I haven’t seen anything other than the original Slap Shot. Its’ those Hanson boys he needs to see…he just stares at me when I start randomly yelling at him during the National Anthem on TV that “…I am trying to listen to the song!!!!”

    He just scoots over on the couch and curls up in a ball.

  7. Sorry to change topic, you guys are doing great with the Slap Shot stuff and all, but I would just like to add that comedy writers should not be allowed to operate chain saws.

  8. I do have another Slap Shot story just for David (I’m just saying that to make him feel good. Anyone can read it).

    I got a call from Yvon Barrette who played the goalie, Denis Lemieux. He was with a friend of mine who knows EVERYONE involved with the movie. I’m not expecting the call. I picked up the phone and hear,

    “Trade me right fucking now!”

    I recognized the voice immediately so said,

    “Consider yourself traded you Swiss cheese gloved, no talent hack.”

    And hung up the phone.

    My friend called back saying when he was told what I did he laughed so hard he almost drove off the road.

    As far as myself, or any writer of comedy, being forbidden from chain saw use, I am personally upset you would feel us such a inappropriate segment of the population to use dangerous, yet entirely entertaining tools, it makes me want to spend a week to ten days wallowing on the davenport of despair.

    But, as a member of the general population, well, I have to admit you have an exceptionally valid and healthy point.

  9. I like to wallow, although not usually on the “davenport of despair”; I prefer to be on the “sofa of serenity”, or the “couch of cozy cuddling”, and sometimes on the “lounge of lazy loquaciousness”.

  10. @ David–There are a lot more people out there , besides comedy writers, who should also be restricted from chain saw use.

    Perhaps “Chain Saw Usage 101 – the basics of chainsaw safety and the polite and proper way to operate a chainsaw with respect to one’s neighbors who don’t want to help take you and your severed body parts to the nearest hospital in their summer-time beer coolers” could be taught at local schools and colleges.

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