Phrases

Some phrases have usual responses.

For example, “Only one beer with dinner, officer.” Is usually followed by the nice police officer asking you to step from the vehicle.

“I’ve never done this before.” Is usually followed by the speaker thinking, “With you.”

“I swear.” Is usually followed by a huge pack of lies.

Then there are phrases which will only have one response.

“Duck!” Is always followed by the sound of an object conking someone on the skull.

“I’ve done this plenty of times.” Is always followed by the speaker doing something so injurious that, the moment quick thinking people hear it, they grab their video equipment.

“Nice dick.” Is always followed by a men’s room emptying.

But I’ll add one that, as I found out last night, will empty a bar very quickly.

“Hey,” I called to the cavernous yet mostly empty bar as I walked out of the men’s room. “There’s a dead guy next to the toilet.”

The seven people in the place looked towards me accompanied by the sounds of bar tabs being paid and four motorcycles starting up and getting outta Dodge.

We’re paying our tab as the bartender is dialing the phone. She says,

“I was wondering where he went.”

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9 responses to “Phrases

  1. Now that’s what you call a dedicated customer. One who not only chooses your establishment to shuffle off his mortal coil, but one who is so well known that his absence from his stool was noted by the barkeep.

    Ker-heh!

  2. Between “Really dead?” and “his absence from his stool” nailing him to him perch comes to mind.

  3. > Really dead?
    Yep.

    I think she was more worried that he’d walked out on his tab. I’ve heard that happens more often now with the smoking ban.

    I’ve seen some weird bar going ons in my day and that was another one. One of my favorites was when I was walking into a bar with a friend. As we’re trying to walk in two guys come tumbling out fighting. They bounced off a wall and hit the ground. I stepped over them and went in.

    About twenty minutes later the guy I was with came in. I guess the fight got pretty brutal. He asked how I could just walk over those guys. I told him it was no big deal, they weren’t mad at me. Besides, I figured service would be awesome with all the people going out to watch. I was right.

    Another story I love to tell is when I worked in advertising. The boss and I were always working late so we’d bring work to this crummy bar around the corner (back when Downtown Crossing in Boston had a bunch of crummy bars). We’d take over a bunch of tables and work.

    One night one of the regulars, a rather large gentleman, fell backwards. We were fortunate enough to watch him from first tilt to the hard crash into the flo0r. He was meat. Motionless.

    The bartender and another guy tried to pick him up but couldn’t. So they left him there. Still in the chair. About twenty minutes later he woke up, stood up, set up his chair and went back to drinking not missing a beat.

  4. Wow, a dead guy on the toilet? Sounds like it would make a great song!

  5. you can never have enough “dead guy in the can” stories.

  6. Guess it depends on which side of the dead you’re on.

    Or how bad you have to go.

  7. Earl: Sounds like it would make a great song!
    You know, like many things I hear and see, I didn’t give that much thought. Not that I didn’t laugh and think it was a good idea, it’s just that I haven’t worked in music for a long time.

    Then I was sitting on the bus on the way home and this popped out (it’ll probably take me longer to type it than to originally write it):

    In a scummy little bar
    on a crummy Friday night
    but the beer is going down
    so time was near to go

    Walking past a pool game
    the cue ball blasts the rack.
    I slip on by unnoticed
    until my cry hit the air.

    I just gotta take a piss
    but there ain’t no way to miss
    the guy on his way to rigor
    How in the world could I figure

    There’d be a dead guy, dead guy
    dead guy on the toilet.
    Hard to expect a dead guy, dead guy
    dead guy on the seat.

    He’s already gone
    I still gotta go.
    Can someone please get
    this stinking ass dead git?

    Pool guys came to see.
    Their eyes bugging wide.
    Huddling at the men’s room door
    not caring a whit when it’ll be free.

    There’s a dead guy on the toilet
    and I really have to go.
    There’s a dead guy on the toilet
    and my piss has gotta flow.

    The ladies rooms occupado
    Some chick is birthing twins
    Can someone please just ask her
    if there’s a sink I can go in?

    There’s a dead guy on the toilet
    and he’s getting in my way
    There’s a dead guy on the toilet
    what a shitty end to the day.

    Call the paramedics.
    Call the damn police.
    Call the undertaker.
    Haul this guy away.

    Yeah, the dead guy, dead guy
    dead guy on the toilet.
    Move the dead guy, dead guy
    dead guy from the seat.

    He should be long gone
    But I still gotta go.
    Can someone please get
    this stinking ass dead git?

    Motorcycles rev up.
    A couple people toss up.
    I had to ask someone what’s up?
    Am I gonna have to piss in a cup?

    The bartender dialed nine one one.
    I smiled when her task was done.
    She told me she wasn’t having fun
    she couldn’t believe what he’d done.

    She asked me for a favor
    something little she couldn’t do.
    Could I go through the dead guy’s pockets
    he’s stiffed her on a tip or two.

    I said there’s a dead guy on the toilet
    and I gotta take a piss
    but there’s a dead guy on the toilet
    who’s cock blocking me on this.

    He’s a dead guy, dead guy
    dead guy on the toilet.
    He’s lucky he’s a dead guy,
    dead guy dead guy on the toilet
    and not a live pissy pant guy like me.

  8. I hear this in Johnny Cash’s voice.

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