Certificates You Can Use

Everyone gives out awards. Every troop, group, club. Each organization, corporation, or blovation.

But, be honest, none of them are useful. We all know who the best potato picker in Poughkeepsie is. What we don’t need that prick Floyd Slockner shoving that certificate in our face all year. He’s annoying enough without pointing out that he can grow a gigantic tuber.

What we really need are awards that say something. Something that tells that person in accounting we know the brown stain on their lips isn’t fudge. A little something to bestow on that person who listens in on everyone’s conversations. A useful award that say, ‘Hey, you’re not fooling anyone you lazy slug!’

But, alas, nothing that necessary is available in our accolade craving, praise anyone for doing any trifling thing, proudly put a ‘My kid is getting gang raped in the county jail!’ bumper sticker on your car because at least he’s making friends society.

Until now. You knew Bound & Gags would let this hole go unplugged, didn’t ya? You knew we couldn’t let that rumor spreading, gossip monger get away without proper recognition. That’s not the type of people we are.

So here, for the first time anywhere, is a collection of award so useful, so needed, so necessary that we call them ‘A Useful, Needed and Necessary Collection of Awards.’

If you see any you’d like, you can find the large version here:



2 responses to “Certificates You Can Use

  1. May I never be the recipient of any of those awards.

  2. I can always use one for every day of my life , to pass out of course!

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