I don’t want to but I find it my civic duty to grab the gauntlet and smack a few people in the head to get them on the straight and narrow. It’s a short list because there’s only so much smacking a lazy bastard like me can do. But, please, feel free to yank the gauntlet from my hand and swing away.
1. Any male of any age and anyone over the age of 18 using BFF (except for food servers writing down an order for Bacon French Fries). Even you hipster, “I’m being ironic, dude!” dudes. Yes, you’re being an I word but it’s idiotic.
2. It’s an oldie but annoying. Anyone not wearing their baseball hat in a manner authorized by major league baseball.
3. Reality show spins offs. You weren’t interesting in an ensemble so with the focus entirely on you it’s more noticeable that you couldn’t be more vacant if your were an empty lot.
4. Whining at non-whineable offenses. Sure, take a few seconds if your arm gets ripped off in the mill, just keep the hand gestures to a minimum. But things like (and I witnessed this two days ago) getting full blue faced and a snapping foot stomp going because the ‘escalator is broken’ will not be tolerated. Excuse me, miss, the escalator is not broken. They are stairs. (a nod to Mitch Hedberg)
5. Anyone who said, “If Obama wins I’m leaving the country.” who has not called My Guy Lost Travel to book their one way flight to the country of their choice. We must round them up, get them to the office with cash in their hands and make them live up to their words. No passport? No problem! We’ll expedite!
If there is anyone who wants to bitch about the wording of that last bit, fuck you. The joke would go in either occurrence. As a matter of fact, on election day I had the misfortune of being a few seats down from a guy who was losing his nut. During his nut loss he said if McCain won he’d leave the country. He turned to me and asked if I’d voted. I said not yet but,
“I’m thinking of voting for McCain just to get you out of the fucking country.”
Annoying is annoying so I’ll smack across any lines.