Surviving Customer Service 9

Well, this is it. Hope you liked it. But, even after my subjecting you to it, if you’d like a copy of your very own, wander on over to my store to get one.

GLOSSARY

2-way, 3-way, 4-way, 6-way – Ways you will get fucked.

80/20 Rule – Amount of work you do versus the amount you get paid.

Activity Based Costing – The harder a Customer Service Representative works (activity) the fewer Customer Service Representatives you need (costing).

Assortment – No matter how large, you’ll never have what people want.

Average Inventory on Hand – 40% less than necessary. Except when it’s a sale item. Then it’s 80% less.

Backorder – When you flip off a customer behind their back after they’ve sent you back to the stock room seven times.

Backstock – Items in stock you don’t want a customer to have. Usually saved for extreme situations, see ‘Backorder’.

Bar Code – Symbol used for identification purposes for which bar you’ll be hitting after shift. The Bar Code is necessary so the Manager can be sent to the wrong bar.

Cannibalization – When there are 2 or more customers fighting over 1 Customer Service Representative.

Category Killer – When an item on sale is worn improperly by a Customer Service Representative. Usually on purpose. Example, male Customer Service Representative wearing stiletto heels and a hockey mask.

Cherry Picker – Consumer who runs from store to store for the best price. The only defense is for both stores to call one another and keep lowering the price until the ‘Cherry Picker’ is in a frenzy but still has to make one last trip to the other store. Once at the other store, the Customer Service Representative will say they cannot match that price. The ‘Cherry Picker’ will go back for the deal only to be told the Customer Service Representative they had a ‘deal’ with is off or the item is no longer in stock.

Commodity – Necessary evil. AKA: Customer Service Representative. Seen as interchangeable and renewable to management.

Consumer – Carrier of all Customer Service Representative’s hatred.

Continuous Replenishment Programs – Practice of partnering up with other Customer Service Representatives to buy rounds at the bar until closing time.

Corporate – Nameless, faceless drones desperate to suck every last ounce of a Customer Service Representatives usefulness. Also responsible for Customer Service Representatives having to clean the never used back stairs for their once a year 3 minute visit.

Customer Loyalty – Hahahahahahahahahahaha. Yeah, right.

Data Mining – Chatting up a customer for dates. Although that seems against all our teachings but sex in the backroom doesn’t count if you don’t call back.

Decision Support – System from that reveals trends and patterns which will have nothing to do with the real world. The decision was made by a chimp and supported by a slug.

Decision Support Software – Computer game Manager is playing in the office.

Demographic – Characteristics of the teeming masses that ruin your day.

Demographic Clusters – When they all come in at once.

Direct Store Delivery – Process where boxes are dropped off and immediately lost.

Efficient – Producing a desired effect with minimum effort, expense, or waste; working well. One of the most virulent of the Urban Myths.

Efficient Consumer Response – Time it takes Customer to complain (average: 8.3 milliseconds) vs. time it takes Customer Service Representative to react (average: 8.3 seconds) vs. time it takes Manager to get involved (8.3 minutes) vs. amount of time it takes Regional Manager to formulate plan of action (8.3 hours) vs. time it takes Corporate to finalize plan to customers satisfaction (still awaiting Oversight Committee’s decision).

Efficient Assortment – Allowing customers to drop items where every they want.

Efficient Replenishment – Placing boxes in the aisle with the manager standing over them screaming for a Customer Service Representative to open it and place items in an eye-pleasing display on the shelf.

Every Day Low Price – Retail strategy that entails lying to customers to avoid having to run specials.

Every Day Value Price – Differs from every day low price by lying to customers about the perceived ‘value’ of their price gouging.

Execution – Fired.

Facings – Number of expressions a Customer Service Representative can make during one insipid conversation with a customer.

First-In-Rotation – Practice of Customer Service Representatives taking customers in turn. Also known as, “I got the last one. This one is yours.”

Frequent Shopper Program – Systematized program designed to torture Customer Service Representatives due to the fact that any customer who gets such a card sent to them by Corporate feels an overwhelming fealty so demands added attention and supplication by all.

Gross Margin – Profit percent of sales which is always less than the projected outcome for that quarter. Even though this happens all the time, Corporate has never reduced one projected outcome.

Gross Profit – Figure calculated by subtracting the cost of an item from its selling price which, if you think about it, if they raised the price of the item the above failure would never occur. But, that’s silly. The reason the projected outcome is never hit is clearly the fault of the Customer Service Representative.

Gross Sales – Total dollar amount which is never enough to please Corporate which is blamed on poor attitude and sales abilities of Customer Service Representatives.

High-Low Pricing – Customer Service Representative is instructed to tell the customer the price they feel is high is actually lower than the Manufacturers Suggest Retail price (AKA lie).

Home Meal Replacement – Food a Customer Service Representative tries to jam down their throat during their 15 minute break that never seems to be a full 15 minutes because of Management’s constant barging in screaming, “Isn’t your break over YET!”

House Label – Poor quality goods that couldn’t be sold with ‘CrapCo’ label sent back to Corporate who then sent it to a sweat shop and had new labels with their name put on it. Marked-up 60-140% from the ‘CrapCo’ label.

Information Management – Keeping all information away from management.

In-Stock – What customers never seem to be able to see although it’s sitting on the shelf three feet from their corpulent face. Wow, I feel better now.

Internet – Where Customer Service Representative places fake (or are they?) pictures of Manager having sex with various farm animals

Intranet – Where Customer Service Representative places fake (or are they?) pictures of General Manager having sex with various farm animals using hacked account of the stores Manager.

Inventory – Shit that attracts the damn customers.

Inventory Turnover – Good shit Customer Service Representatives hide behind the counter so customers can’t get it.

Just-In-Time Purchasing – Approach to inventory management that never works and causes hours of aggravation for Customer Service Representative.

Kiosk – Freestanding display which is often a last resort of employment for Customer Service Representatives.

Layout – Location in store Customer Service Representative’s hide in plain sight.

Letter of Resignation – Pre-written, undated letter carried at all times to be dated and delivered to Manager five minutes before being fired in order to secure two extra weeks pay.

List Price – False high price placed by the manufacturer to make store look good by not gouging that much.

Loss Leader – Shit placed in the open for thieving little bastards to steal.

Low Involvement Merchandise – Dusty shit that sits there forever.

Ma’am – Bitch.

Manufacturer Brand – Same as ‘House Label’ except, because it’s a bigger corporation, the mark-up is 150% across the board.

Margin – Difference between the cost of an item and its obscene mark-up.

Markdown – Reduction of specially marked-up items to a selling price that is still above the usual selling price yet advertised as a sale.

Market Leader – Store with the biggest turnover of Customer Service Representative due to gung-ho nature of Management and draconian Corporate culture.

Market Research – Study that determines needs of consumers that is hung in the break room and laughed at for it’s inaccuracies of current trends and slang.

Markup – Amount is solely dependant on number of sexual harassment suits pending on Corporate.

Mass Marketing – Having the newest Customer Service Representative dress up in a furry costume and greet the masses.

Merchandising – One of the Customer Service Representative’s most important tasks. Making sure the store is clean, the shelves stocked and eye pleasing until the first customer barges through and tosses the place like the DEA at a meth lab.

One-Stop Shopping – Store with everything that is the perfect place for a Customer Service Representative who knows nothing but likes to run around looking busy.

Operating Expenses – Number Customer Service Representative’s never know but are always blamed for it being too high.

Out-of-Stock – Perfect Customer Service Representative response to an overly annoying customer for whatever item they are looking for. It takes an exceptionally talented Customer Service Representative to pull this off when the item is on the shelf, but it has happened.

Overhead – Place they keep the lights, signs, dust and security cameras.

Overstock – Too much is ordered so the Manager makes the Customer Service Representative stuff the shelves so when a customer tries to get an item every item on the shelf falls.

Plan – Formulated Corporate approach that results in much hilarity to Customer Service Representative’s.

Point-of-Sale – Location Customer Service Representative spends the most time due to the safety of the counter between them and the customer.

Process – Arduous task Customer Service Representative’s go through every horrible day of their lives.

Product – Shit sold in the store.

Promotion – Activity Customer Service Representative will never achieve.

Quick Response – Most abused Corporate policy. Corporate sets a time they find acceptable from the moment a customer enters the store and a Customer Service Representative greets them.

Safety Stock – Urban Myth.

Scanner – Instrument waved over product in all locations except the one that will activate the scan process.

Scanning – Longest increment of time Customer Service Representative is allowed to torture customer.

Seasonal Promotion – Holy Grail of Hate on the Customer Service Representative’s calendar.

Shelf Talkers – Out of all customers to avoid, these are among the top. They talk to socks! If a Customer Service Representative is cornered by one call the next of kin.

Shrinkage – When a Customer Service Representative hides from a potentially annoying situation (i.e. a customer with an arm full of goods and a mouthful of questions).

Sir – Asshole.

Space Management – Procedure used to squeeze as many Customer Service Representative’s into a car as possible on the way to after shift drinks.

Special Order – Item petulant customers will spend an hour explaining, in intricate detail, how it must be ordered only to ignore incessant pick-up calls or, if they do show up, will immediately find a flaw and refuse the item which means, because Special Orders cannot be returned, it will sit on the shelf forever (see Low Involvement Merchandise). Don’t believe the jingles, special orders bug the shit out of us.

Stock – Shit on shelves.

Stock Keeping Unit – Security Officer. Can’t be found whenever there is a problem.

Trade Allowances – Swag provided by manufacturers to provoke Manager to put their item in a good location that the Manager hordes and hides in the office doling out only to favorite Customer Service Representative. Always hidden in locked shelves behind Managers desk.

Universal Product Code – Place to wave Scanner over a minimum of 12 times per item. ‘Customer Service Representative Of The Day’ is whomever’s customer gets so mad their face gets redder than the scanner beam.

Warehouse – Location Customer Service Representatives tell customers the item they’ve been waiting for is stuck.

Warehouse Club Store – Where old Customer Service Representative’s go to die.

Xer – Customer Service Representative who used to work at this location but now only comes by to brag about their new job where they don’t have to deal with customers.

Yawn – Activity most often occurring when a customer approaches a Customer Service Representative.

Zero – Amount all this ‘hands on’ experience will mean on your resume.

Click here to purchase the entire book.

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One response to “Surviving Customer Service 9

  1. Pingback: Just Updating « Idea Jump!

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