I Have To Ask

All of you have been in grocery stores. You often see odd things in grocery stores. Sometimes you’ll have weird interactions. See kids throwing tantrums. I don’t want to tell you what I’ve seen in the produce section. But if you have any stories like these, please, let me know.

I just don’t want to think I’m alone in this world.

I walk in. I see a woman. She is alone. She is having an animated conversation. With a melon. Wait on it, it’s not a,

“Is it thump a melon squeeze a lime or the other way around?”

conversation. I do not know the entire conversation, but, when I passed it went something like this:

“I wonder how you’ll taste? You have a nice color but you could be misleading me. I’ve been mislead by your kind before.”

No, sadly, I wasn’t on meds (Becky wasn’t around) so did not mishear her conversation.

Passing her (quickly) I approach two people I heard before I saw. It was a mother/daughter team losing their shit at each other. I’m not sure what caused such a loud and lengthy (I could still hear them clearly ninety seconds later when I was checking out at the front of the store) but they both had opinions they needed to express.

Did I mention they were doing it loudly? I did? Did I mention that, when I was walking past, the mother was bouncing the cart up and down making everything in it pop like over stimulated corn.

Good thing they hadn’t been to the egg aisle yet.

I accepted both those situations is stride. Come on! I’m a guy who’s seen a woman squat in piss in the canned vegetable aisle. It’ll take a bit more than talking to fruit and a mother/daughter spat to shake me.

At first, I didn’t think I was seeing what my eyes told me they were processing.

It was a woman, stopped in the middle of the aisle, shucking the husk from corn and dropping it on the ground. Is that some sort of cost cutting measure they teach you in fucking crazy ass loon school? Is she going to snack on the raw cobs while shopping? I sure as fuck don’t want to imagine that she’s going to do some special dildo popcorn trick.

Although I may have spent more time wandering the aisles to find myself a more fulfilling lunch, I grabbed the item as closely resembling lunch that was closest, found a unpopulated aisle and scurried down.

While in line, moments from leaving, I hear above the cash registers, various conversations, the sounds of shopping, I hear.

“Fuck you, ma! I’m getting fruti pebbles.”

“You know I hate them! Get coco puffs like I said!”

May I suggest some bran flakes?


9 responses to “I Have To Ask

  1. Aaahh! The buttery good taste of Dildo Brand Popcorn! Season it yourself and then pop it right off the cob! Yummy!

  2. First, let me just apologize for not being available to hand you your prescribed dosage at the corrrect time, so your blood level would be maintained, and for not being around to help you out with a non-prescription alternative as was apparently needed.

    Second, oooohhhhhh gross! Dildo Brand Popcorn?!?

    Soup, you are sick and need help. Take a nap and call me later and we’ll discuss YOUR medication needs. Please. I just want to help.

  3. And this was just your lunch time activity! What must the rest of your day been like? I am almost afraid to ask…

  4. How about a “nooner” with a box of Dildo Brand Popcorn!

  5. I had a woman apparently come off her schizophrenia meds and commence to start screaming her ass off at me in the parking lot once. I don’t know if that counts.

    And, by hearsay, one of the initiation rites of a fraternity a roommate of mine once rushed (and dropped out of during the rush process) was to go to the local 24-hour supermarket at 3am and leave penis-prints in the peanut butter. Pee-yuke.

  6. I once worked in a health food store in Santa Cruz, California. For some folks, ’nuff said.

    For everyone else, the weirdest thing I can think of is a guy who had a fancy pendulum that he swung over every piece of produce before he put it in his basket, to make sure it had good heebie-jeebies, I guess. Didn’t realize we were a cootie-free store.

  7. Oh, Elena! For some reason that does not surprise me. I wrote a story some time ago here about being in a health food store:


    And nothing that happened in places like that would surprise me.

    TB: Did your friend washout before or after buttering his peanut?

    Becky: No problem with not being there to medicate me. You have your own problems to take care of.

    I can’t properly relate how the rest of my day was but let me say it contained getting almost six minutes of voice mail messages from a pissed off customer along with four pages of email.

    And, Soup: Soup, Soup, Soup! You are a marketing genius!

  8. The weirdest thing I ever saw in a grocery store was three lesbians kissing and groping each other. I personally didn’t find it weird, but where I’m from, shit like that just don’t happen. It’s likely to get you a Holy Roller exorcism.

  9. Becca, See point #2.


    The 2nd ‘Lesbian Kiss Outtake and Scene (Smack the Pony)’ video is worth a watch.

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