Private Piercings

I was talking to a guy who seemed okay at first but I could tell he was just another one in a long line of strange ass customers this bar attracts. The conversation took a weird turn when piercing came up.

I had a girlfriend who kept bothering me to pierce my nipple. I relented after months of constant conversation. When I told her she won, I’m giving in, she changed her mind.

Well, fuck her! No one badgers me for months and not get what they want whether they want it or not! When I got it she flipped out and wouldn’t come near me. So, there ya go! Another victory for the Zell boy!

Years later¬†another girlfriend didn’t like it so I took it out.

But, while talking to this guy, I still had it. So we talked about it and he told me his penis was pierced. I told him that was great. For him. Then began talking to someone else. I wasn’t being rude. I figured once the topic of conversation gets to another guys dick, well, we’re pretty much at the end of the festivities.

I’m chatting with my friend and the guy taps me on the shoulder. And points to his now exposed, and quite heavily pierced, member of the ‘you shoulda stayed in your pants while in public’ brigade.

I said it was nice and went back to my beer.

I told my girlfriend about it and she laughed. A few weeks later we were there and, hey, lookie there! It’s him. I pointed that out and my girlfriend said she wanted to talk to him. I call him over and we begin a chat.

In no time at all, my girlfriends curiosity gets the best of her and paraphrases Cleavon Little in Blazing Saddles,

‘Excuse me, will you whip this out?’

He looked at me, asked me if he could and to make sure my buddy (a large guy I’m usually found in this establishment with) and I weren’t going to kill him. I said he was safe and, right there at the table, a gleaming piece of work saw the grime of day once more.

My girlfriend, once the show was over, asked the guy, in all seriousness, why. He’s zipping up, shrugs his shoulders and says,

“I have pretty low self-esteem.”

Well dah!


3 responses to “Private Piercings

  1. I guess that is a way to get people to look at your penis!

    I am thinking it has be really be worse than low self esteem. I guess, after trying your natural appearance and personality, he had to be reduced to piercing his member AND showing it to everyone else for attention.

    It makes me wonder how desperate for attention I would have to get BEFORE I would wind up there. I would bet this person was a popular kid, and it went really wrong for him somewhere and this is what he is reduced to…

    • “Knock, knock.”

      “Who’s there?”


      “Penis who. . .the fuck would whip their dick out at a bar?”

      You’ve got a point, MTAE, he was a pretty personable kid who could converse well enough. I guess when things don’t work out the way you’ve planned, you’ve worn out every trick in your book, you may try something else to be unique.

      I don’t think anything would drive me to do it (and I feel pretty sure nothing would you). Even when I got my nipple pierced it was really to piss her off. A friend, a big, football player, went with me and got it done. It didn’t phase me in the least but, when we’re leaving, he taps me on the shoulder and tells me he’s going to pass out. I, being the caring person I am, told him he wasn’t.

      I was wrong.

      So there I am trying to steady this guy and get him to the floor safely. I will admit to laughing the entire time. I think that about sums me up. I’ll help you anytime I can but I’ll probably laugh at the same time.

      We walk out of the place and, by now, he’s drenched in sweat. What happens then? We run into people I know. I know I have to mention the wet state of my friend so I introduce him and say,

      “He usually doesn’t sweat this much.”

  2. Dr. Richard Johnson, president and CEO of Tight-Ass Industries

    Article 1.–Health Code Violation–pierced penis out in public.

    Article 2.–Good Taste Violation–pierced penis out in public.

    Summation–2 demerits.

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